Lost sight of what is reasonable...

[Bubblebrush]

Three months ago DH announced he was leaving. And left the next day into a flat in the next town to us (50 mins drive). It must have been planned for ages. I was horribly shocked. We have a 6yo and a 2yo.

The first month was full of horrific conversations whereby he explained how he hates me, our lives, various traits of our children etc. It has been absolutely awful.

I have since found there is (inevitably) another woman. Well, at least one. Probably more. The main one is 18 years younger than we are. He is splashing the cash around in his new single life.

The issue I am posting about is contact with the children. He doesn't want any access in the week (too restrictive). He wants every other weekend BUT wants one child one weekend and the other the other weekend. He wants to pick up a child at 10am in the Saturday and bring them back 3pm on the Sunday. If they have a birthday party or other commitment, I am to switch weeks so he doesn't have to do anything like that.

Very limited contact therefore. And I never get a break basically. (We have no relatives to help out etc). I do all the hard bits.

Would you just go with this - on the basis that any contact with their father is better for the kids than none? The 6yo misses his Dad SO much. He is a happy child but at the age of asking difficult questions and struggling to understand his new world.

I feel at my wits end - arguing with him that he should see them more and together. He just sneers and mocks me.

To add to the mix he pays more than the minimum in child maintenance and I need the extra to stay living where we are. Every argument ends with him saying he'll reduce the payment if I keep banging on...

What would you do??

This does not sound like a man who's paying more than he has to out of the goodness of his heart. My guess would be you're entitled to a lot more than the minimum and he knows more than you do on that front. He sounds vile and I'm so sorry you're going through this

I'm so sorry. He sounds awful

To me this sounds ridiculous. Am I right in thinking he would see each child once a month?? And presumably longer if they dare to have a party to go to! I don't think it's fair on the kids, or you – your family life will forever be interrupted as you'll so rarely be all together. You have to find a calm, firm way to say no to this.

While I understand that he should make more time for the kids, you can't make him want to see the kids more. Seeing one child at a time is not good for the sibling relationship imo but you can't make him have both.

I would say that its totally unreasonable for him to only have one at a time. YOu never get a break and the children never have any down time together.

I think you need to put your foot down now and say thats not in the children best interest, hes only interested in what he wants!!

Suggest he takes you to court if he doesn't like it.

Regarding money personally i wouldn't allow my ex to control me over money. I would find a way of not needing the extra money and go through cms.

Whats his reason for only wanting one child at a time??

@JustmeandtheKIDS2 I think you've answered your own question .... he wants the kids one at a time to stop the @Bubblebrush having her own life

Yes exactly and its unreasonable and not in the children best interest. Dont let him control you, start by not needing him financially, thats a massive things he got a hold over you for.

I assumed the ex wants each kid once every 4 weeks?
If he wants every weekend then that is out of order.

Courts take a VERY dim view of siblings being separated like that for visits. No judge is going to go with that plan. If he cannot handle both children at the same time, then it raises concerns about him overall. Further, you were married, he might be paying over and above maintenance because he knows that if you get lawyers involved on the financials he would actually not fair so well. Call his bluff. And don't let the kids be separated - it's not nice for them or you x

If it was one kid one weekend and the other the next that would be ridiculous as they wouldn’t have any time together at weekends. Also you wouldn’t see them together at weekends, nor would you have an actual time to yourself.
I honestly wouldn’t split the kids up, who cares if there is a party on his weekend, he can step up and take them like any parent would.
He might pay over the odds maintenance BUT this is something clearly he is always going to dangle in front of you if he doesn’t get his own way.... how much over is it? Can you take the hit of a couple of hundred quid if he drops it.... as it’s not worth him always holding it over you.

He struggles with the children. He has little patience with them so just wants one at a time. Really he just wants the older one: to go swimming, go to the cinema etc, big day trips (full on Disney Dad - once a month). He has never bonded well with our younger child. There's some development delay and a skin condition which means swimming is out. She cries a lot - he can't cope with it.

I think it's more that he doesn't give a shit if I have a break or not, rather than actively trying to prevent it.

On the finances, he is self employed so I wouldn't get any more by going through CMS. He has a lot of money but wouldn't need to take it out of the company if he needed to manipulate the figures for a year or two.

If I move to afford a smaller house, it would mean taking the 6yo out of a school he loves. Or risking the 2yo being in a different school in 2 years time. School is over subscribed. No siblings policy etc. The guilt at potentially distressing the 6yo is unreal.

I think you need to go to court or mediation regarding the access - EOW and both go, he doesn't get to take just one.

You need to sort out your finances/living arrangements so he no longer has this leverage.

So lawyer up if you haven't already and get things formalised.

So - yes - the children world have two weekends a month together, with me. Then one weekend with their Dad. And one weekend on their own with me.

I am down to my last £20 every month (although this will get better when the 2yo starts getting funding for nursery next year) so don't feel I can take much of a hit.

What a complete bastard he is. He's thrown a bomb into your lives, hasn't he?

Of course he can't see them separately. That's disgraceful.

Have you had legal advice?

When he threatens to reduce the payment I would threaten to push for 50:50 childcare.

He sounds like a complete bastard.

Everyone else has said it far more eloquently than me but FUCK no!!! Selfish and I can’t imagine good for the sibling relationship?!

@category12 Yes - we both have a solicitor. Mine isn't very encouraging about taking action and takes the "any contact is better than nothing" approach. He thinks I should be wary about pushing for much as he thinks the financial sum I get is generous. And DH isn't coming after my very good pension (I have always saved into a pension - it's worth a lot).

I don't think it helps that I tend to be very teary with my solicitor. I am holding it together for the children and at work - and then somehow in the solicitors office, it all comes out and I'm a sobbing mess. Every bloody time!

We were together 16 years. He was an entirely normal lovely person for the first 10 years then gradually became a clichéd mid life crisis.

I would just say "no" you have them Friday evening to Sunday tea time together or not at all.

If he take you to court that is what he'll get anyway!!!

Go grey rock don't argue or discuss just repeat the offer over and over again.

@HollowTalk Thank you - that's EXACTLY how it feels.

What do you think will happen if you say no OP? Is he the sort to take you to court? I think Random’s advice is good.

Maybe you need a different solicitor.

Look, it's not sustainable to be this dependent on him paying what he does. What if he decides ever more ludicrous arrangements and continues to piss you about?

At 6, your ds would adapt quickly to a new school if necessary, it's not like he's in the middle of his GCSEs. Little children going into new schools find new friends fast.

Let him take it to court. Likely the ow won't cope with 2 dc either and the twat can live alone.
Judge won't agree to his terms I assure you. My ex went for contact with my dc - not even his and sibling relationship was a high priority.
He lost as he was a class one cunt.

@GileadWivesAreFashionIcons I don't think he'd bother going to court. He'd have a strop and stop seeing them at all (and tell anyone that would listen that I prevented access).

I know I have to move and be less dependent on his money. The housing market is shit and slow here though. Most houses like ours are taking over a year to sell. It won't be a quick fix. But I do know I need to start the process. I'm just so exhausted by the emotions, another practical big bit of life admin just feels too much.

My ex did the same ie would only have one child at a time. If I had refused he wouldn’t have seen them at all.

@Honkycat And did you feel it was worth it, to keep up their relationship? I go through spells of thinking I'm setting them a TERRIBLE example by allowing this. And maybe no contact would be better.