Fundamental difference is breaking us up

[Losingintergrity]

I am balling my eyes out as I write this.
First time post.
Long time lurker.
I have nowhere to turn and I hope this website will give me some hope.

I met my husband when I was 22. We were married since I was 23. He is A LOT older than me. I had and still have father issue which I suspect is the reason why I enjoy being with him.

We have two kids. We have a small business which he started. I am currently learning the rope. I have a masters degree in corporation business so Not much of my skill can be applied to such a small business. My goal is to take over so husband can start on a new business avenue.

I have never worked for anyone else other than my husband. I am currently doing book keeping and office stuff, which includes ringing people and chasing sub contractors for invoices and deadlines.
I make a lot of mistakes, but we both agree that I am improving.
When I make mistakes, if I do not apologise immediate to my husband, I get so much abuse it makes me wonder if I should I just end this marriage.
He calls me cunt, Whore, slag, useless, fat cow, useless bitch, waste of space etc
For example, I rang a contractor up yesterday to ask him when he can finish the report. He said I will send it to you ASAP, I will start tomorrow.
I had relayed this message back to my husband who decided to pay for the £600 report fee on top of the £300 site fee despite not having the report. Then I was told to ring up to see when I will get the report. The surveyor said 7-10 days due to other commitments. My husband started calling me stupid fucking bitch, why didn’t you ask when the fucking report would be done?? Why couldn’t you have rang before you made he fucking payment? Now we may never see the fucking report. You make me look like a cunt.
I said don’t talk to me like that. I don’t deserve the abuse. The punishment doesn’t fit the crime. It isn’t that big a deal.
He said i made him mad and made him swear at me.
We had a big rowl.
Then I made another mistake regarding an email and he hurled abuse at me again. By his time I was so fed up I called him stupid. I said it is his fault I made this mistake because he had not told me 100% of the information that’s why I made the mistake. This made him extremely made. Cue the unbreable abuse.
We had another set of argument this Morning because I refused to have sex. I am not in the mood. He asked why? He tried to hug me which I refused. He tried to kiss me and I refused. He asked why the hell are you being like this?
I said I am hurt for the recent abuse I have been receiving.
I said I have changed my mind about never ever going through divorce. Because if this is what’s waiting for me in the next forty years I want out. I rather be alone and miserable than abused and hurt.
We had another discussion which came to the conclusion that he did what he did because I made him mad by accusing him to be the reason I made the mistake. I should have apologised immediately like a normal civil person.
I said I apologise for not apologizing immediately. I am hurt because of the abuse I reiceved. I don’t deserve that.
He said it is all chain reaction. Don’t make him made and he won’t abuse me verbally. Just apologise immediately when I make a mistake then he won’t get mad.
I said you are my partner, not the supreme leader. I don’t need to apologise to you.
He said as a partner who also works hard to this family, when I make a mistake that hurts our common wellfare I must apologise for the mistake. Then his becomes our mistake and we solve it together as a team. But if I turn my finger to him he will get mad and call me names, which I deserve.

I don’t think the punishment fits the crime. I don’t think he sound be dishing out punishments. I feel all of this is extremely unfair and painful.
He said I should stop being a pathetic little woman who turn on the water works when I do wrong. Just own up to the mistake and apologise.

I am confused and hurt.

Sorry you're going through this, OP. Good relationships are not like that and your husband sounds like a horrible abusive man. No matter what the reason, there is no excuse for calling your wife those names. I would not stay in a relationship like that.

Normal, healthy relationships are not like that and a good man would never behave in such a disgusting way.

Go and get another job.

If you are making so many mistakes he should be pleased to get rid of you and he can hire someone else to do your job.

Or does he just like shouting at you?

Then I would think about your future happiness.
If you do decide to divorce one thing I would do is make sure you have copies/photos of the bank statements from the past few years and evidence of the businesses profits before announcing you want to end things

If you were my daughter I would get you away from this nasty, vicious, controlling, jealous, fucking useless bastard as fast as I could.

You are young. You have fantastic qualifications. You are being belittled at every opportunity and then he wonders why you don't want to have sex with him, showing he's got absolutely no emotional intelligence.

Please, please move away from him. Stop working for him. Get yourself a great job and have nothing to do with him (as a partner) ever again.

what @hollowtalk said

He said i made him mad and made him swear at me.

His behaviour is not your responsibility. Or do you agree that women who get hit by their partners deserve it? ("She made me do it...")

I agree with others that you'd be far better off finding another job.

What Hollowtalk wrote.

You are in an abusive relationship with this person and therefore you need to get away from him asap before he further drags you down with him. Abuse is not just physical in nature and he is doing his very best here to drag you down. The nice/nasty cycle associated with such men is a continuous one. This is who he is and such men do not change. Infact such men hate women, all of them.

Womens Aid can and will help you here as would the Rights of Women organisation.

On a much wider level have you ever received any counselling or therapy for the issues re your father?. It is certainly worth considering particularly if you have never done this.

"He said i made him mad and made him swear at me".

This is also straight out of the Abusers 101 handbook; its always everyone else's fault except their own. They never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

HE is responsible for his own actions, not you. I would also think that he is all sweetness and light to all those in the outside world too.

What are you confused about? You are well aware that he is abusing you, so why are you with him?

He's extremely abusive. Whether you work together or not, he has no right to treat you like this. If he employed someone else to fulfil your role, they wouldn't put up with that behaviour for a single day (at least I would hope not) so why is he behaving like that to his wife, who he should love with all his heart, and only want good things for?

Do you want your DC growing up that this is an acceptable way for one person to treat another? That this is how relationships are?

Think seriously about what you want for your life, what it means for you to be happy, and whether you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who treats you so badly.

He's abusive and controlling.

At the very least, seek employment elsewhere, as you clearly can't work together happily.

If he were to stop calling me names and hurling abuse at me, is this marriage worth saving? I have two little children and I don’t want to uproot them unless I have to.

I am also a director of the company. I know the company inside out as I do all the paperwork.

He has agreed to attend marriage councelling. He is absolutely certain the counceller will tell me that I am the one wrong for not apologising and trying to turn the table on him. He calls it victim blaming. Though I am sure that’s the wrong terminology.

I feel that I am slowly turning into him. Twisted and highly defensive. That though sickens me.

Frankly I am a little bit terrified of him when he is mad. I am terrified of hearing those words again. BUT I know it is fundamentally wrong to be watching my every step.
He says he is trying to teach me to take over. So that when he is dead I won’t be robbed blind by others. I agree that I need to learn to defend the business. I can see the logic in that. I know he has good intentions.

On the other hand, I feel a bit like a money care taker. Hold on then pass onto the children. Am I wrong I thinking that?

He works 7 days a week and I work in the office to try to keep up with the paper side of things.

Would I still be able to find a job or would I be stacking shelves in Tesco(as my husband suggests)? I should wait till my little one start nursery first, right?

Joint relationship counselling is not recommended where there is abuse.

You have an MA, why on earth would your only job option be stacking shelves?

Please speak to Women's Aid and read up about emotional abuse (providing you can do so safely) whilst you are considering your options.

I stopped taking it in when you listed the names he calls you. I'd be off for that alone.

If you were working in a regular job would a boss get away with shouting at you like this? Do not go into counselling with him as he will manipulate the counsellor and you will be backed into a corner. Take steps to free yourself. You have a great qualification. Start looking for q job. You don't have to move out today but you need to plan. Don't waste your energy discussing this with him as he is never going to be normal. Do you think he would shout abuse like that at a regular bookkeeper..no way.
He is a horrible man and you will not know yourself when you get free of him. Get all the information on the business while you still can.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. My head has stopped spinning and I can think clearly again.

You are all right. I recognise the emotional abuse and the classic signals. Which were the wake up call for me to write this post.

I am young and I am capable of retraining to be anything. I can even leave the country because I speak three languages fluently.

I have been burying my head in the sand ever since my parents’ divorce and rejection from Cambridge. I felt happy with my husband, he said he would adore me and that I never have to stress and worry ever again. But look at me now. It’s all so phathetic is laughable.

I agree that I need to get another job. I have looked on totaljobs website just now, which gave me a potentially unrealistic idea.

I have always wanted to own a restaurant and spend all my time in that restaurant. Do you think someone like me, masters degree in business, office work experience (kind of), and keen interest to retrain is in a sound position to open a resaurant? Should I be starting as a waitress and hopefully work myself to management? Then open a small restaurant/cafe on my own? I live five miles from a tourist attraction amongst villages.

Or should I stick to what I have been taught at uni and see if any company is recruiting? I need to renew my skills.

What kind of job would you get if you were me? How would you start if your were me?

Thank you all very much

He calls me cunt, Whore, slag, useless, fat cow, useless bitch, waste of space etc

No, no, no, no, no.

I would say leave unless he stops - but tbh I think you should leave even if he does.

Also I find a lot of men who get together with women significantly younger than them are controlling, creepy, bastards who choose younger women so they can have the power in the relationship.

Is it the case that there are no children involved either?

Seriously, you have a masters and speak 3 languages, you're obviously intelligent and accomplished. You're young; get out of there.

I don't think someone that extreme is going to stop or change.

I would get sound experience in running a restaurant before looking to open your own. It's a hard trade and a lot of new restaurants fail. I wouldn't necessarily look to go in at entry level, tho, given your qualifications. If it's your passion, pursue it.

(btw they would still be my advice if you were 40 and had little education - such s woman would still be better in social housing, with whatever work she could get .. not being abused, bullied, stressed to high heaven etc.)

• that would still be my advice

You acknowledge that hes abusive, you're terrified of him at times, and he is bringing out the worst in you. Doesn't that make you want to run?
You have kids, what kind of life are they going to live with a father like him.
You are young enough, intelligent and educated. You have so much going for you. Please don't let this be your life.

I agree with category's advice re restaurant - try to get experience at as high a level as you can get in (or start lower but look to move up and progress relatively quickly through the 'ranks'.)

Otherwise yes, try to get a job/graduate scheme place with a good company.

I wouldn't worry about Cambridge - I've known people who didn't get into Oxbridge (undergrad in that case), he went to Edinburgh instead, is now a doctor .. not everyone gets in. And who knows what criteria they were going on - they could have had to have met diversity targets that you didn't fill, there could be any no of reasons.

If it's still bothering you (and you haven't already) you could ask why you didn't get onto the course (presuming it was a course, or was it a job?) .. I've done that in the past and it had actually been very helpful and quite reassuring.