Fundamental difference is breaking us up

[Losingintergrity]

I am balling my eyes out as I write this.
First time post.
Long time lurker.
I have nowhere to turn and I hope this website will give me some hope.

I met my husband when I was 22. We were married since I was 23. He is A LOT older than me. I had and still have father issue which I suspect is the reason why I enjoy being with him.

We have two kids. We have a small business which he started. I am currently learning the rope. I have a masters degree in corporation business so Not much of my skill can be applied to such a small business. My goal is to take over so husband can start on a new business avenue.

I have never worked for anyone else other than my husband. I am currently doing book keeping and office stuff, which includes ringing people and chasing sub contractors for invoices and deadlines.
I make a lot of mistakes, but we both agree that I am improving.
When I make mistakes, if I do not apologise immediate to my husband, I get so much abuse it makes me wonder if I should I just end this marriage.
He calls me cunt, Whore, slag, useless, fat cow, useless bitch, waste of space etc
For example, I rang a contractor up yesterday to ask him when he can finish the report. He said I will send it to you ASAP, I will start tomorrow.
I had relayed this message back to my husband who decided to pay for the £600 report fee on top of the £300 site fee despite not having the report. Then I was told to ring up to see when I will get the report. The surveyor said 7-10 days due to other commitments. My husband started calling me stupid fucking bitch, why didn’t you ask when the fucking report would be done?? Why couldn’t you have rang before you made he fucking payment? Now we may never see the fucking report. You make me look like a cunt.
I said don’t talk to me like that. I don’t deserve the abuse. The punishment doesn’t fit the crime. It isn’t that big a deal.
He said i made him mad and made him swear at me.
We had a big rowl.
Then I made another mistake regarding an email and he hurled abuse at me again. By his time I was so fed up I called him stupid. I said it is his fault I made this mistake because he had not told me 100% of the information that’s why I made the mistake. This made him extremely made. Cue the unbreable abuse.
We had another set of argument this Morning because I refused to have sex. I am not in the mood. He asked why? He tried to hug me which I refused. He tried to kiss me and I refused. He asked why the hell are you being like this?
I said I am hurt for the recent abuse I have been receiving.
I said I have changed my mind about never ever going through divorce. Because if this is what’s waiting for me in the next forty years I want out. I rather be alone and miserable than abused and hurt.
We had another discussion which came to the conclusion that he did what he did because I made him mad by accusing him to be the reason I made the mistake. I should have apologised immediately like a normal civil person.
I said I apologise for not apologizing immediately. I am hurt because of the abuse I reiceved. I don’t deserve that.
He said it is all chain reaction. Don’t make him made and he won’t abuse me verbally. Just apologise immediately when I make a mistake then he won’t get mad.
I said you are my partner, not the supreme leader. I don’t need to apologise to you.
He said as a partner who also works hard to this family, when I make a mistake that hurts our common wellfare I must apologise for the mistake. Then his becomes our mistake and we solve it together as a team. But if I turn my finger to him he will get mad and call me names, which I deserve.

I don’t think the punishment fits the crime. I don’t think he sound be dishing out punishments. I feel all of this is extremely unfair and painful.
He said I should stop being a pathetic little woman who turn on the water works when I do wrong. Just own up to the mistake and apologise.

I am confused and hurt.

It amazes me what some women put up with, i would have left him a long time ago, get yourself away from him and make a better life for yourself.

There is only a time limit that you can put up with this kind of treatment. It sounds like your husband is just one of those foul bullying types of men,who shows you no respect.You are clever and educated,but this man is bringing you down, and probably won't change any time soon.

May you choose a better path to go along.

Gosh, I don't think you have a future with him. He sounds dreadful.

As to the restaurant, I don't think the waitress to manager is a sure fire route. Could you get an office role in a chain of restaurants? Basically, I would advise you try to get into the food business at as high a level as possible and move sideways.

Good luck.

I actually think that with a master's in business, and with the restaurant business being a difficult one (as owner/manager) and an exhausting, long hours etc one as s worker at any level ... You should try to get into a graduate scheme or role within an industry that you're interested in.

Oh and I meant to add; your thread title is wrong - a fundamental difference is not breaking you up, your husband being ab abusive bully is breaking you up.

He's very abusive. You must not try to do relationship counselling with him; he will use it as a way to abuse you further.
There's a reason a 'much older' man targeted a woman barely out of her teens. Such men don't view women as fully human and they know that if they are in a power imbalance they can more easily control their partner.

You've got so much going for you. He's not going to change - he calls you vile names because he doesn't respect you. How would it help if he stopped being verbally abusive? He still wouldn't respect you.

On the career question - assuming you want to have at least 50% care of the children, owning a restaurant is probably not a realistic goal at the moment. It would take incredibly long and unsociable hours. There are many other things you can do though.

OP this sounds horrendous. I have little to add but I did want to repeat the advice you have been given not to pulled counselling with your husband. I did this because I didn't know better and my husband simply recruited the counsellor to assist him in his emotional abuse. He was so charismatic I don't think the therapist knew what he was doing. Safe to say it leaves you feeling more isolated and like it really is all your fault. Please take care.

go to no idea where pulled came from!

I have read and re-read all the messages all day long. I have been evaluating my situation.

I agree I have a problem. Marrying an old man was the beginning of all my problems. At 22 I was so desperately alone. Desperately depressed and considered suicide. He was my only ray of sunshine. He helped me through my toughest time and I felt loved and safe again. I feel I owe him one, had it not been him I wouldn't be here today. At the time, both of my parents were extremely busy with their own lives, understandably, which is why no one attended my wedding. i was ashamed of my choice and I didn't tell any of my old friends that I was getting married. I cut myself off socially. I just finished my masters and Phd was offered on a condition that I could not possibly accept.
Now I am a mother and I am a lot stronger emotionally. if I had the strength I have today I would have never ever chosen to get married with someone like him.

I believe people give up on marriages too easily, like my parents did. I believe people should put more effort into marriages and let certain things go because marriage is about team work, about being friends more than lovers. there will be hardship and headache. I never thought it would be this painful.

Reading the replies made me realise that I had let him ruin our relationship. I should have stopped him the first time he called me a bitch.

now I can see the abuse. I am conflicted. I still feel I owe him my life. he definitely still loves me. but he doesn't respect me. I am tired of being compared to his friends' wives.

outside of the virtual world I am a very private person. I have never spoken these words to anyone. it is strangely therapeutic to share such intimate thoughts on a website.

I agree that being a restaurateur requires antisocial hours and it is not the best career choice right now. I will look into other avenues and get a in a related industry to the one I am now, so at least I have some transferable skills.

thank you all again. I appreciate it.

It wasn't one-way, OP - if he helped you, he also helped himself. He's had your love, gratitude, support and company for however many years, the status of having pulled a much younger woman and two children. It has suited him very well. You don't owe him a relationship.

Looking from the outside, some might argue he was not a saviour figure, but that he preyed on you as a vulnerable young person and has been controlling you ever since.

A gilded cage is still a cage.

You do not need to stay in this abusive relationship. If you do choose to stay, quit working for him and point out his shortcomings next time he talks to you like you’re shit on his shoe.