Kids, my ex and new partner.

[BigSteve80]

Hi all, just wanted to start by saying although this is my first post I’ve used this forum extensively during the years for relationship advice and a resource when me and the ex actually split.

My first post has probably been discussed a number of times and while I understand the legalities I want some advice to make sure I’m morally right.

I had been with my ex 12 years and married for 6. We have two children together aged 4 and. The last two being very unhappy as she’d stopped all intimacy which left me low, lonely and extremely unhappy. We’d tried counselling and she made all the right noises but alas nothing came to fruition. Long story short we separated a couple of time last from April 2018 and eventually made it official in October 2018. We have a separation agreement in place and all finances are done and dusted.

We cohabited for a while (financial reasons) and I eventually bought the house off her and she moved out April 2019. We have joint custody of our children, we speak and get on ok, I helped her move out/in etc.

Since November 2018 I started dating again and met someone around Xmas time and have been dating since.

During this period I’d also got out and about with kids and made new friends via the kids playing at play gyms and the like which is a new concept. Two of these friendships have been really good and supportive (both woman) and occasionally we take our respective kids out to play together.

My ex has accused me numerous occasions of having a relationship with one of them even though we only see each other when we have kids. I spent time reassuring her and saying that I would never introduce kids to someone new without telling her first, but she continued to accuse. Eventually I discussed it with my friend and she suggested that my ex meet her to put her mind at rest. I organised this at my home and my ex decided not to turn up. But I’d made the effort none the less. The then occasionally would say when collecting the kids that she knew I was seeing someone but she wasn’t bothered.

Yesterday I told her I was seeing someone and it was going well and that I’d like, at some point, her to meet the kids. I reassured her that it wouldn’t be a formal introduction and that I would just say it’s daddy friend. That I would always have the mother of my children’s best interest and heart and that they will only ever have one mum or dad. I said that I was telling her out of respect because even though she said she wasn’t bothered I know if it was the other way round it would bother me I some way and as such was treating her as I expect to be treated. She said ok but that she would be upset if I was planning a holiday...

This morning I receive a text message from her saying she’s quite upset that I’ve moved on so quickly. She wants to talk to me about me seeing someone else. But there is no way she is agreeing for me to introduce my kids to my new partner as it’s too soon.

Now my understanding is that it’s none of her business who I see. And as long as my kids are safe she cannot stop me introducing my kids to my partner. I’m also a little frustrated that she thinks it’s too soon. She doesn’t really get to put a time stamp on my happiness surly?

So I guess my question is am I doing the right/wrong thing? What should I do differently. I’d really appreciate the advice. I currently feel bad for moving on and being happy and that perhaps I’m being wrong in wanting my new partner to meet my kids...

Thanks

She stopped all intimacy and you both separated. I'm not sure now why she thinks she should have a say?! Obviously your children come first but you deserve to have your own life too.

I think the main thing you are doing wrong is discussing your personal life with your ex. As you say, it's none of her business. Think about communication with her in terms of what is beneficial for the children.

No your ex doesn't get a say in what you do or who you see.

I would be cautious about introducing new people so soon however - it has only been months and even if you introduce your new partner as 'Daddy's friend' if you split up it's someone disappearing from their lives which have already been massively disruptive by you and your ex splitting up however well it has been handled.

I've seen numerous cases where (multiple) new partners have been introduced - in particular one little boy who by the age of 5 had lived with 3 other men other than his dad. I just don't think this is fair.

Again I don't think your ex can dictate when you introduce I'm just saying tread carefully.

FWIW you sound like you absolutely have the kids best interests at heart and are doing your best so this isn't criticism.

I would agree to discuss the children’s best interest but not how/when you moved on. Unless she has concerns about your new partner around the children (but she wouldn’t meet her so it’s unlikely), then it’s no longer her business. She might just suddenly find it hard to move or not to be the one to move on first maybe?

I think this is very controlling

It's really not her business, nor does she get a say. I wouldn't be confrontational about it, tho. She's going to have a variety of emotions about it and if you can be tolerant, that's good for everyone.

I think introducing your girlfriend is fine, but do be careful it doesn't turn into you always coming as a pair, for the dc. Take it slowly. (I rarely had the opportunity to spend time with my mother alone once she remarried, and it was shit always having the partner involved.)

Two separate issues here.

First off, who you see and date now is your business and none of your ex’s. She doesn’t get to dictate that, particularly when she apparently had little romantic or sexual interest in you and this contributed to the end of your marriage anyhow. You should make it abundantly clear to her that as far as that part goes, she has zero say in it.

The second issue is introducing your children to new partner. You’ve been with her now 5 months if I’m reading that correctly (since Xmas)? Personally I would consider this still honeymoon stages of a relationship and too soon to be introducing young children to a partner, particularly children who have already gone through the upheaval of their family splitting up within the last 12 months, new living arrangements, associated stress etc. It’s a further adjustment that they really don’t need right now. It’s your call however, none of this is written in stone so only my opinion.

Stop discussing your personal life with her. All interactions should be about the children and nothing else. I get why you have mentioned your relationship, but in all honesty it isn’t anything to do with her. You are equally the children’s parent and by rights you should be able to judge that a person of your choosing is acceptable to be in their lives or not.

If she asks about something other than the children just ignore.

Dd’s dad met someone else, never told me about it. Dd mentions her name often at home. I know dd is happy with them both so it is not an issue. But we have also separated everything so we only ever discuss contact and dd’s needs. Taking all the emotion out of our relationship has worked wonders. You both need to do the same.

Your private life is none of her business. You need to keep a lid on it as she's being really wierd about it.

That poor soft play woman! If I was her I'd have probably distanced myself from you to avoid ex drama with a friend I wasn't even romantically interested in, tbh. It's too much. Presumably she has her own shit to deal with. She really didn't need to be dealing with your personal dynamics to that extent. I hope you're as supportive to her as she was to you.

But regardless, I would exercise caution with introducing anyone. Even as a friend. Personally I wouldn't introduce anyone I wasn't thinking about very long term. Just "going well" isn't nearly enough of a motivation imo to add another element into their lives. Cos after the first introduction it will become a regular thing, and they will not be able to articulate if they find it too much or too soon.

Your EX is your EX, she is not involved with your personal life. Put the boundaries in place now, if you let the ex start controlling you now you will lose any new partner you have.
No new woman is going to put up with your ex having any input and control in her and your new relationship, especially if the ex is jealous in any way as your ex sounds.
Your children meeting your new partner should be done sensitively and gradually, I'm sure you will know when the time is right as you do have your children's best interests at heart.

I think it's because she still loves you and this is all hurting her. I suggest you stop telling her things as she's not emotionally disconnected from you yet.

Agree with previous posters that you shouldn't be talking about your personal life with your ex, particularly as she's clearly finding it difficult. I think 5 month relationship is too soon to introduce to your children. They've already had the separation to deal with and you won't know if this is a serious/ long term relationship until a couple of years in.

Thank you for the feedback and kind words.

I have tried my best to keep my personal life to myself. Even when she’s pried I’ve ignored her and actually only discussed new friendships to reassure her that I’m not introducing a new partner etc. My friend has been very supportive as I have with her. She actually suggested my ex meet her if it would help which is a nice thing to do.

Although I think it’s hard to know when is right to introduce kids, I think you kind of know when a date, girlfriend, partner is something you know is long term. I feel this is and that’s why I’d like her to meet my kids. No one can predict the future in the same way I didn’t get married and have two kids for it all to crumble down and be in this situation. At the end of the day life is short and if I’d feels right then do it.

I just wanted to make sure that my intentions are not selfish and I wasn’t doing anything unduly wrong to my ex or anything out of the ordinary.

I know she will continue to dictate to me, because she always did. It probably how I navigate that moving forwards.

Yeah but you have to box clever here.

Since you've been here a while you'll probably have seen threads from women saying "Ex has a new girlfriend, I don't want her around my kids, I don't want this, it's too soon, I'm really pissed off, how can I avoid them being in contact with this random woman my ex has unilaterally decided to foist onto my poor kids?"

What you don't want is to light some paper and find the flame burns out of your control.

If I were you I would wait. Don't risk her trying to alter your custody. That's not to say she should be holding you hostage, but she is clearly irrationally jealous. I would wait until she's gotten used to the concept of the relationship and settled down first.

Get some boundaries in place. She's the mother of your children, not a partner.

You tell her that there is nothing to discuss. You are moving on and that your children's best interest will always come first. It's none of her business if she thinks you have moved on too quickly. I'm not even sure why you are having these types of conversations.

Seriously, you don't want her causing unnecessary problems for you in the future. Although it must have been a bit if a shock for you, she no longer gets to call the shots about something that has nothing to do with her. And to be honest, why are you letting her?

Get some distance between you and move on. You're doing nothing wrong, so don't feel guilty and don't think that maybe you don't deserve a stab of happiness.

We all do.

As to whether it's too soon to introduce the children? How long have you been seeing each other?

She, clearly, still has feelings for you but that should not get in the way of your potential happiness.

Hi. Im the OP. This is probably the 3rd time I've tried to re sign up as my original email said it was already in use but wouldn't let me sign in or reset. So I've got a new email and signed up again to be able to continue this post.

Yesterday my ex came over to drop kids off after school but came without them. she looked really sheepish and asked if we could talk.

We sat down and she said under no circumstance can my kids meet my new partner as they are going through enough. I said, I understand your concerns and id never put my kids in harms way or upset them, im not forcing them into something its just a gradual thing. she said no they are my kids and you're not doing it.

I could feel my blood boiling a bit so walked over to stick kettle on. I said look I know youre upset, I would be too. its an emotionally charged situation but you have to trust me as I would with you that you only have the best interests at heart for the kids. Im a good dad and your a good mum.

She got upset and pleaded with me to wait and that it was too soon. She then got angry and shouted that we'd had 11 years together and thats what hurts, that I can move on so quickly. I said calmly that she doesn't get to dictate or put a time on my happiness. I made her a port of tea and let her calm down. She pleaded with me some more. She asked me about my new partner, names, time scales, location, kids etc. I mostly said it was none of her business as many on here have suggested to which she screamed, they are my kids.

She swiftly moved the conversation onto when id be paying her the £200 monthly maintenance and could she have the DVD player. I lost my cool a littler over that, that she could just switch from emotional to financial like nothing. well actually have a right go at me then ask for something if you know what I mean.

This morning I dropped my youngest of at her mums, her dad was waiting outside and grabbed me. he said.

"He said he didn’t like the way I spoke to her and she was so upset last night that he had to leave the room, that it wasn’t that long since we got married and that I should keep my private life to myself"... I said "I said, just hold on a moment. You weren’t there so you can’t comment on how she spoke to me or me to her. She’s done nothing but accuse me, suggest I’m seeing work colleagues and then said she didn’t care anyway. We’ve both been unhappy for a long time, she doesn’t get exclusivity on being upset or making me out to be a bad unreasonable person. It takes two."

I kept my cooler and spoke calmly and softly until he said. " There’s two little kids here that come round and we have up play softly with them because it’s massively effecting them". I responded firmly "You must be creating that situation out of your own issues and insecurities because I don’t see any of that when they’re with me" and walked off.

I was so angry. I wish id never told her anything. My own morals biting me in my backside.

Any advice appreciated.

I also wanted to answer a question that seems to have divide people. When is too soon to introduce, and while I agree its subjective dependant on the person one thing has made me not hang around or hesitate... life's short. My best friend was diagnosed with terminal cancer and has approx 6 months. He is 1 year older than me (hes 40) and has two young kids. Perspective like that can really change ones outlook.

OP - while i agree that life is short, you are looking at this from your perspective, and not your DC's.

you want this to happen quickly, so you get the benefit of a happy new blended family.

you've said throughout that you have their best interests at heart - what you're saying now doesn't really align with this.

what your children need is stability. it's less than a year since their world exploded. they will still be dealing with it.

if your new partner is really as good as you say, she will understand that your relationship happens when you don't have the children for now.

a year, 2 years isn't long in the grand scheme of things.
it will allow your children to adjust to their situation (as they see it, not as you see it).

please don't rush things.

not because of your ex, but because of your children.

sorry, just to add -

they need to be able to learn that both you and your ex are still there for them. that nothing has changed in terms of their support network, other than where the people in it are located.

i know from a similar situation in my extended family that introducing a new person into the mix before the children feel secure with their new circumstances is extremely damaging.

one of the DC was so fearful of losing his dad to the new partner, he would literally cling to him when they were together.
the DD just withdrew from the relationship completely.

and this was an introduction after about 11 months.

you need to wait for your children to show you signs that they are back to feeling secure.

I agree with Discontinued above, I think you are being selfish with wanting to introduce your new girlfriend to your children. It doesn't matter that you think this is going to be longterm. Your kids don't care. They will probably want to see the little time that they have with you by yourself. To have your sole attention.

They won't care about this new woman that you think is fantastic. Please put them first for a little while longer. If it really is to be a long term relationship then you have plenty of time in the future.

Give your kids your attention.

Ok

You are engaging too much and in the wrong way. Sitting her down and explaining the ideal and rational Co parenting rule book when she was emotionally upset is a pointless. She is not ready or able to listen.

All you need to do is to acknowledge her feelings. Just say, I can see you are upset. That’s it, no more and repeat if necessary.

If she is telling you that the children are upset, then acknowledge that too. Again, keep it simple. Something like, I realise this is a difficult time for the children and they will be upset by what has happened.

Please don’t lecture her or her father. They have other people who will explain it to them. That person isn’t you.

As to what is happening here with your children. Take a step back and think about where your ex is getting her information from. If it’s not you, it is the children. They are telling her tales. All sorts of tales, none of which need be bad about you or your friends. But maybe they are. At the very least they have a confused picture of daddy and his friends. One that they will remember later in life and maybe they too will come to conclusions that aren’t flattering to you.

You are entitled to make new friends and start a relationship without your ex’s permission or anyone else’s. However is there no need for your children to be involved in any of this. Your time with them needs to be about them and you should be providing them with security and stability.

You may feel secure and confident about the future with this new girlfriend but that does not extend to them. Why should it after the disruption they have been through.

Put them first, slow it all down and wait a long time before she is introduced to their lives. There is no need to rush into it all. Enjoy your relationship with her but there is no need for her to be in their lives yet. None at all.

I actually think you're the best judge of when your children are ready to meet a new partner based on your knowledge of your children and your understanding of the situation.
Why wait 2 years, as some posters have suggested, when it means compartmentalising your life so much? All children meet various adult friends and family of their parents - aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. and those relationships aren't always stable. As long as your new partner isn't being presented as their new stepmum or anything. You can continue to do things alone with the children and things with your partner and the children.
And your ex doesn't get a say at all, I'm afraid. She has admitted that it's more about her concerns that you are moving on too quickly rather than her concerns about the children.

I met my boyfriend's children after seeing him for 6 months and they were really excited to meet me and they enjoy the company. They love spending time with their Dad but they also love meeting new people and they were keen to get me to play games with them and talk to them, etc.

MendandMakeDo2

may i ask in your situation, you say you met your partner's children after 6 months of dating - how long after their parents' split was this?

They had been separated a year at that point.
More importantly, I think, they seemed ready and well adjusted. They met their mum's new boyfriend a few months after the separation. They get on well with him and enjoy the days out with him and his daughter so they sort of knew what to expect.

Discontinuedmodelhusband I'm Mendandmakedo2, had done a name change. Sorry for the confusion.

From the kids' point of view it's only been two months since you all stopped living together. I'd say give it at least another month to let things settle. And from then on don't have her there every single time you go out, at every meal etc introduce her slowly.