Kids, my ex and new partner.

[BigSteve80]

Hi all, just wanted to start by saying although this is my first post I’ve used this forum extensively during the years for relationship advice and a resource when me and the ex actually split.

My first post has probably been discussed a number of times and while I understand the legalities I want some advice to make sure I’m morally right.

I had been with my ex 12 years and married for 6. We have two children together aged 4 and. The last two being very unhappy as she’d stopped all intimacy which left me low, lonely and extremely unhappy. We’d tried counselling and she made all the right noises but alas nothing came to fruition. Long story short we separated a couple of time last from April 2018 and eventually made it official in October 2018. We have a separation agreement in place and all finances are done and dusted.

We cohabited for a while (financial reasons) and I eventually bought the house off her and she moved out April 2019. We have joint custody of our children, we speak and get on ok, I helped her move out/in etc.

Since November 2018 I started dating again and met someone around Xmas time and have been dating since.

During this period I’d also got out and about with kids and made new friends via the kids playing at play gyms and the like which is a new concept. Two of these friendships have been really good and supportive (both woman) and occasionally we take our respective kids out to play together.

My ex has accused me numerous occasions of having a relationship with one of them even though we only see each other when we have kids. I spent time reassuring her and saying that I would never introduce kids to someone new without telling her first, but she continued to accuse. Eventually I discussed it with my friend and she suggested that my ex meet her to put her mind at rest. I organised this at my home and my ex decided not to turn up. But I’d made the effort none the less. The then occasionally would say when collecting the kids that she knew I was seeing someone but she wasn’t bothered.

Yesterday I told her I was seeing someone and it was going well and that I’d like, at some point, her to meet the kids. I reassured her that it wouldn’t be a formal introduction and that I would just say it’s daddy friend. That I would always have the mother of my children’s best interest and heart and that they will only ever have one mum or dad. I said that I was telling her out of respect because even though she said she wasn’t bothered I know if it was the other way round it would bother me I some way and as such was treating her as I expect to be treated. She said ok but that she would be upset if I was planning a holiday...

This morning I receive a text message from her saying she’s quite upset that I’ve moved on so quickly. She wants to talk to me about me seeing someone else. But there is no way she is agreeing for me to introduce my kids to my new partner as it’s too soon.

Now my understanding is that it’s none of her business who I see. And as long as my kids are safe she cannot stop me introducing my kids to my partner. I’m also a little frustrated that she thinks it’s too soon. She doesn’t really get to put a time stamp on my happiness surly?

So I guess my question is am I doing the right/wrong thing? What should I do differently. I’d really appreciate the advice. I currently feel bad for moving on and being happy and that perhaps I’m being wrong in wanting my new partner to meet my kids...

Thanks

so that's my point.

it's not how long he's been dating his new partner that is the problem - it's how close the "introduction" is to the family splitting.

your partners' DCs had 18 months to adjust before meeting you.

OPs have had barely 6 months.

OP again, My 3rd account now. No idea why i keep getting blocked.

I can see everyones point of view and im leaning towards what @MendandMakeDo2 said. Prob easier to summaries in bullets.

• We legally separated in october 18. Since then we alternatively cohabit we dont stay there at the same time.

• I bought her out 3 months ago now but allowed her to stay till she was sorted. If shed of moved out then we would have already had 3 months of separate living

• My kids have met a few new platonic friends and played with their kids just like *@MendandMakeDo2* says... at-least i can vet these people are suitable. Uncles, aunts, cousins i cannot choose.

• I have no intention of forcing a situation, it should be natural and easy. I dont plan a formal introduction it would just be as any other friend and manage the situation as it unfolds and at a pace im happy for the kids to do/see.

• Im not planning on spending every spare bit of time with my new partner, she has kids and enjoys being alone with them, just as i would with mine.

• I had only, and out of respect told my ex id met someone and 'at some point' she has taken that to mean imminently. Of course i dont want to compartmentalise my life for X time essentially living two lives like a sordid affair or something.

Appreciate all the comments and advice. - Sorry for each post being a new account.

I see what you mean Discontinued and yes, I agree it's important for children to have time to adjust to their parents being separated.
My DC were still trying to get me and my ex back together at first so I knew they weren't ready.
But it sounds to me like the OP is considering his children's feelings in this, as well as his ex's (probably too much of his ex's).

I absolutely agree OP shouldn't be pandering to his ex's insecurities - particularly given how instrumental she sounds in the end of the relationship!

and a sensible, staged/gradual integration is right as well.

OP needs to remember though that kids aren't stupid.
they will see the meetings with their friends' mums as "for them" - as they are gaining something from it (playing with their friends).

they will notice that this is very different from meeting "dad's friend, who is a lady, who has her own family that we don't play with"

i understand the concerns about compartmentalising your life, but i don't think there's an issue with living that way for a while - i'm pretty sure thousands of people across the country do exactly this every week.

one week is the "parent week" - doing family stuff separately, the other is the "grown-up week", doing grown-up couple stuff.

at some point of course those worlds will need to integrate, but it should be when all the children are secure and ready (both yours OP, and your new partner's)

@DiscontinuedModelHusband

Totally get what your saying and all of what you say has an undertone of caution, which is at the forefront of my thought process.

Im sure there are many who walk that line, just as much as there are parents who separate and introduce kids to new BF/GF within weeks and break up move on, rinse repeat. Before they know it the kids are teenagers and the parents have had 6 'relationship's'

Fine line isn't it. I think the take away, is to be cautious, don't rush, be happy.

absolutely!

and the fact you acknowledge there is a fine line is excellent!

in the instance i've been closest to, the DF's absolute main concern was that he'd been unhappy for several years, and now he'd found someone that makes him happy, he was damn sure going to make the most of it, and everyone who advised caution just wanted him to be unhappy.

he was utterly convinced (still is, unfortunately) that his happiness would automatically mean his DCs would be happy too.

this hasn't been the case by a long shot, though he won't have it.

i think you are being very considerate, which is commendable.

@DiscontinuedModelHusband

Im only human, but I believe I'm a good dad and considerate of others to a degree but not necessarily at the cost of my own happiness which of corse is flexible dependant on what it is. I understand empathy and is perhaps why I consider my ex so much. I can empathise how she might be feeling by projecting forward how I would feel when this is her meeting someone else. That and I still do care for her and want her to be happy too. Its not something I want to fall out over.

None of my family are close and unfortunately I live in a place surrounded by hers, I feel alone and vulnerable at times which gets be on the back foot and defensive.

Ive read loads about happy parents make happy kids, which I suppose only reaches so far considering your last post about DF

when all things are equal, happy parents = happy kids!

but if punching your kids in the face makes you happy, it's unlikely this will also make your kids happy!

I have never told my exH ANYTHING about the men i was seeing after we split up. It is quite honestly none of his business. He told me when he got a new girlfriend, "out of respect" - but i really dont understand why. I actually felt that it was more about flagging up that he could meet another woman, nur nur nur.

If you have children and your new GF has children, why can't you both take the chance to spend time together just as a couple, not as mum and dad? The most awesome thing about my BF is that i am just me when i'm with him, I'm not just DD's Mum.

Stop telling your ex all about your relationships, and just enjoy being with your GF, before you get all tangled up in blended families.

Your wife and kids only moved out in April THIS YEAR. You may been over the relationship before she moved but it sounds like she is still adjusting to the end of her marriage and being a single mum.

She now has to deal with her children meeting a new woman.

I feel this is rushed, your children have seen you two living together a mere two months ago. There is no need for you to introduce your girlfriend yet.

I feel this is more about you being self righteous and getting back at your ex then what is best for your children.

Also stop telling your ex about your female friends and girlfriend. I am sure that be easier to do now you are not living together.

I don't think I will add anything new.

As others have said it is about the time the family unit changed. Not when you separated emotionally. The children will not have the emotional maturity to distinguish the difference as you can.

My ex left jan 2017. Both children took the separation hard. He involved ow from day one. I held my tongue. He would not of taken on board my concerns about the children's welfare so it would of been pointless.

It has taken until now for both children to adjust. So 18 months. Many people have told me I should be moving on. The children's welfare comes first. And it is me that has dealt with the anxiety. Nightmares and thoughts of self harm. It is only now I feel they can deal with me meeting someone else. Although if/when I do. It will be sometime before the children are involved.

Each situation and child is different. So you have to go with how you feel. You have opportunities to see your new gf when the children are with their mother. So there is no rush.

As for being low key. My two knew from day one it was daddies new girl friend. Even though he was adamant there was no contract/affection between them in the early days. The children were 5/11. As my son would say. Mum. I'm not stupid.

You sound like a very kind and caring man. And I am sure you will do the right thing.

I echo what everyone else has said. Your private life is just that private. And none of your ex's concern. You need some stock answers. That isn't any of your concern. And I will always put the children first.

I took the approach of not raising any concerns I had about ex's relationship. So further down the line he has no come back on any relationship I my have.

Good luck. I know how hard it must be to stay strong. But you need to put some boundaries in place now.

I don't think there isn't any right or wrong timing, but it does help when both parents try to put the children first, and just reassure them of their continued love for them whatever transpired between the parents.

If I had insisted on 2 years, their step sibling would have been almost a year old when they met! As it is, they know each parent loves them regardless, and I worked hard to ensure they were excited at the thought of an extension to their family (and the thought of another set of presents on special occasions).

*half sibling. A new sibling as far as they are concerned.

So your in the family home which your DC and wife had to leave as you bought her out. I hope she is set up in a nice home for her DC. You expect the DC to meet your new DP when they have only just left the family home. That is really quite difficult. This was there home and I think your not understanding the impact of seeing daddy playing happy families with another woman. I would take a little longer to thrust your new found happiness onto your DC. I hate men that think because there happy that everyone around them will be too. There is no rush with your DC..... my dad did this to me growing up and there was more than one new woman. Consider there feelings....

If I've understood it right, you were together with your wife for 12 years until Oct 2018. You started dating in Nov 2018 and met your current girlfriend at Xmas 2018.

You took no time to be single to get over the relationship and be there for the children after your marriage ended. Your ex wife only moved out two months ago in April so the kids are still adjusting to living with you there part -time without their mum.

If that's right then I am astonished at the posts saying your behaviour is fine to either your ex (how quickly she's been replaced!) and your kids.

The speed at which you have moved on is quite scary and it would really worry me that you are asking everyone else to do the same.

I think it's 'soon', way too soon for your kids to meet your new girlfriend.
From what I understand, mum has just moved out of the family home in April. Is that right? Even if you and your wife have been separated, your kids are so little. They don't have an inkling. All they know is that as of April, the family has been split apart.
It is two months and you want them to meet your girlfriend.
You haven't given your kids any thought have you?

Do what you like with your life. But you need to keep it to yourself. Stop waving the "I've moved on" flag, acting all modest and 'nice guy' about it. You know exactly what's up, OP. Come on. Go easy. This is a seismic change for everyone. Respect that.

Seems like you are always so calm and considerate of everyone else's feelings and such an understanding guy, and your exdw is an unreasonable, controlling, selfish woman and it was her fault the marriage ended because she wasn't having sex with you.
Why are you so determined to introduce a new woman to your children? You only moved out of the family home a couple of months ago.

Sorry she moved out. She is right the kids have had enough upheaval, and as much as it's none of her business, you are being selfish towards them and sounds like you just want to spite your ex.

I think I smell an affair, or at least an emotional affair before the marriage split. Took you what 4 weeks to meet someone new?

It really doesn't matter how you dress it up, as far as your kids are concerned, you only actually separated a few weeks ago. They don't understand anything but actual physical separation.

Their lives have just changed immeasurably, and they need you 100% when they are with you. They absolutely do not need your new girlfriend hoving into view.

And yes, in your situation we waited. My (then) new bloke had been in bedsit houseshare land for a long time after his split, and was going "home" for weekends while his ex did her own thing. So I didn't meet his kids for nearly 18 months, when he had sorted their joint finances enough to be able to rent a flat, and spend time getting the kids settled into this change in their lives. Result, 10 years later, we're still together, our kids get on great (mostly) and his kids are confident and secure in their relationships, and accept me as a general dispenser of fruit, plasters, hugs and guitar-tuning.

What is the hurry? You have all the time in the world to grow this relationship.

Slowly slowly catchy monkey op