Would you tell his wife?

[BeepBeepBop1]

After discovering my bf was lying two face (insert any range of swear word) I told his wife about our relationship. I was shocked to see some people didn't think telling her was the best course of action.

I always believe that everyone should have all the facts and truth in a relationship but interested to find out why people wouldn't want to know if they were in her shoes or in mine.

Just to point out I had no idea at all I was the OW until his friend messaged me with water tight evidence.

@IvanaPee Best description ever!

It seems this is a different poster and I jumped on the band wagon assuming it was the bitter OW thread.

OP I apologise for my comments having incorrectly identified you.

Yes I ended it as soon as I found out, changed my locks and told his wife who kicked him out. Maybe check facts before calling people?

I was seeing someone who I found out was married. The reason I didn't tell the wife was because I did not want to be the one to split up a family. They did split up a few years later then he committed suicide. I was glad I stayed out of it.

In the interest of sisterhood, I'd tell and would want to be told.

However, that other thread someone else mentioned also pointed out, and I agree, it is quite hurtful to find it out from the OW.

It seemed the consensus on there that hearing it from the OW was the worst person to hear it from.

BeepBeepBop1 I have asked for earlier posts to be deleted. Apologies again.

Lesson learned about checking facts before posting.

@chansondematin I imagine that would have been hard information to get but gave you the power to decide what you want.

@TurboTeddy thank you for doing that and apologising.

The wife thanked you, so yes you definitely did the right thing.

It was the right thing to do, regardless of motive. In all likelihood she had a sub conscious inkling anyway, or a conscious one, but was lied to or gaslighted.

I would 100% want to know if it was my DH. Well done, OP.

I think it’s really odd when people don’t want to know , there seems to be a bit a divide on mumsnet at times between posters who prefer the bury head in sand and posters who want to know exactly what they’re dealing with. I reckon it’s linked to our fight or flight responses.
When I first went back online dating I got talking to a guy , who I later found out had a long term girlfriend , we had never even met up but I messaged her to tell the deal so that at least she knew what type of a man he was. I sent her the screen shots of WhatsApp convos , the dating profile, everything. Guess what....she blocked me and is still with him 🤯. No kids in tow or anything , it really baffles me how much some women will stand for .

@Lefty1 I would've done the same as you. That's what I'm trying to understand about the divided thoughts. As someone who has recently experienced this I feel like a mug for believing him and his lies but now I know the truth I can see what an absolute dick he is.

And I’ve been cheated on in the past by a long term partner , I only found out after we split up. If I had known, I would have kicked his ass out faster than a New York minute , people that are untrustworthy always have the ability to fuck you over again and again and again, why give them this opportunity is my thinking , you can’t “win” in this scenario as you the person who is meant to be on the same team as you , just isn’t .

I think there's a huge difference between a woman having a relationship with a man she thinks is single, finding out he's married and then telling his wife, and a woman who knows the guy is married right from the start and when she's dumped by him, telling his wife.

Ultimately it’s tge same discretion , and I wouldn’t have cared if the OW told me , I would STILL have preferred to know

@BeepBeepBop1 I've been through the exact same months of being together being told he was separated from his wife. Swore on his kids life. Certain things didn't add up for me during it. So I did question him hence the him swearing on his kids life.

He was awful and would be really nasty in accusing me of seeing other men. I decided I needed to ask his wife about the separation as my gut was screaming.

I told her, they were happily married. I will say this, she asked for proof I showed her (I wasn't the first either) I put my own hurt to one side and talked to her for days trying to explain what had happened.

She did believe me, but started to get nasty and calling me a slag. Showing me texts he sent her saying it was just Sex only. I was a nutjob etc. So I blocked her.

They are still together now, so I'm told.

As much as that hurt for what he did to me, for her to turn on me. The fact they are still together. I would still always tell the wife.

IMO she has a right to now, then to decide what she does with the facts. I don't understand how she can stay with him. But he's a narcissist so no doubt he manipulated her. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well done for telling her! I still standby the code of woman's woman.

Not condoning an OW entering into a relationship knowing the guy is attached as clearly that’s disgusting behaviour but in the wife’s shoes I would want know either way is what I’m saying , regardless of the source .

I would want to know.
In 2011 I met and started dating a man, found out after 3 months he was living with a woman. Dumped him and kept my gob shut. He was a serial cheater, wish I’d told her, her last few years might have been happier.
She died in 2015 from cancer. She hadn’t been dead 3 days and he was messaging my DD on her fb for my phone number whilst lapping up the online sympathy and crying crocodile tears.
You did the right thing. I don’t know how people who lie and cheat their way through life can live with themselves and not expect consequences for their behaviour.

I think that betrayed spouses deserve to know what they’re dealing with and should be told, gently. If they’re daft enough to ignore it, then that’s their lookout. Cheats get away with all sorts because people turn a blind eye.

@BeepBeepBop1 I was in a very similar situation long while ago. I was seeing this wonderful guy who I thought was perfect. This was pre Facebook. Anyway found out through a mutual acquaintance he was engaged and due to be getting married in the next few months. I felt so humiliated and heartbroken I never did anything.

I really regret that. His poor fiancée deserved to know. I know from the same mutual friend he cheated on her multiple times and got another woman pregnant who he left he for. I feel awful to think I could have spared her that heartbreak.

Absolutely.