Frustrated :(

[youorme]

I was wondering how other people solve conflicts with their OH’s? I’ve tried a variety of methods and have had advice from a counsellor but nothing seems to work. I’m currently doing the “I feel” “what just happened makes me feel” method so that I can’t be seen to be blaming but that’s not working either. I even knelt down on the floor yesterday while saying I felt uncomfortable by something he’d done, as he’s previously accused me of being overbearing while talking to him because of me standing up while talking. Nothings working though. He immediately raises his voice, pushes back and accuses me of criticising him. How do you voice concerns over behaviour or something that’s happened or initiate a potentially difficult discussion without provoking a furious/biting back type of reaction. He feels belittled by me and that I’m constantly criticising even if I’m just saying “I feel what you just said was unfair or unkind” I’d love to know how others air/handle their disagreements. Thanks.

How many of these discussions do you have? I've been with my DW for 30 years and we have probably had three of these conversations. Are you sure you are with the right person?

That’s interesting. You’ve had 3 heated discussions or disagreements in 30 years? Is that because your DW just never disagrees with you? Do you have kids? Did you never disagree over parenting? That’s really interesting.

If you have changed every approach to see what works and his reaction remains the same then he is the common denominator.

He doesn't want to hear what you have to say, he isn't interesting in proper communication. He's making you feel bad and getting you to jump through hoops trying to help him.

It's all about control. Has your therapist not suggested this?

There's only so much you can do if he's being unreasonable. I tell my husband when he's upset me and I can see him thinking about what he did and he usually apologises. It's because he's reasonable. If he tells me I've upset him I immediately feel defensive and want to argue back but I try and follow his example and apologise if he has a point (he usually does). What more can you do if your husband always argues when you tell him how you feel? I'd also pick battles wisely. I find when you live with someone it's easy to be irritated by a million little things they do. With my husband I've learnt to keep my mouth shut about the small stuff and only raise issues that I think are very important. No one wants to feel criticised the whole time.

Three kids (all old now), of course we have/had miner disagreements, nothing large. If I'm honest I can't even remember three arguments. We are both senior managers now. I only mention this because the thought of DW meekly going along with whatever I say is hilarious

Can you explain what type of behaviour he is demonstrating that is causing uou issues?

It's hard to tell if it is a case of you Criticising him constantly or if he is behaving badly without examples.

My ex was like this. Massive overreaction and aggression to anything. Eg when I asked him to give up smoking for health reasons I was being 'controlling'. Not that I actually cared about his health of course, just criticising him. It never got better and I suggest your relationship is the same.

Me and DH don’t seem to row. We don’t seem to feel the need to criticize each other.

I don’t know that it’s helpful for people to post saying they don’t argue, how does that help the poster?
For the record me and DH disagree, even argue quite regularly, not normally massive ones but neither of us can sit on annoyances and for us it keeps our relationship healthy as nothing simmers away. Having said that since we had children I do pick my battles as at times of sleep deprivation I could probably start an argument every day over housework etc.
Have you asked him how he would things brought up? I can get very defensive when criticised and I know that sometimes I just need to pause so that my initial defensive reaction doesn’t come out and I can think about it, sometimes that can take me longer to fully think it through. Equally I think when and where things are brought up is important as when you’re tired/in the middle of something/out then it’s not going to go well. I’ve also found at times that writing things down to DH through text or email helps; I’m not sure if that’s unusual but it gives us both time to think and reply carefully

What are the arguments about?

I’d say he needs therapy.

My Dh used to be very defensive if I criticised him, even a minor thing. I knew it was worse when he was very stressed at work, but I’d had enough and told him after 20 years of marriage that we needed to separate.

This really shocked him and he ended up booking counselling sessions and I agreed to stay together whilst he went. They helped him very much and within about a month he got to the crux of why he reacted as he did (very controlling mother and father, never allowed to make decisions, ever) He's now so much calmer and able to deal with stress better.

You’ve tried everything, it’s time to give him a choice, go to counselling to find out why he’s reacting as he does or you have to separate.

Thanks for all the replies. It’s not housework related type stuff. I really do try and pick my battles. It’s big life stuff or standing up for myself if he’s said something rude or insensitive. We had a situation a few weeks ago where he said something rude about my sister in front of some acquaintances (not close friends). I didn’t think that was fair or appropriate. That caused an argument because again, I’m criticising. My point is that I should have a route to discussion in situations like that. I should be able to say calmly yet firmly that I don’t feel that type of talk about a family member of mine (I wasn’t talking about her!) is fair or appropriate so please don’t do that again. How do I get listened to or my needs met in that type of situation. For clarity, if I’d done something similar and somebody said to me “I didn’t like you talking rudely about a family member of mine” I’d be mortified and immediately apologise because it is rude and not fair behaviour of me to do that. It’s that type of thing.

you you aren’t really listening to the advice here. It’s not you who has to make a change,
You can go in for years trying to change your behaviour so he listens to you. He won’t! ,

This will only be solved with him making a change.

I don’t know that it’s helpful for people to post saying they don’t argue, how does that help the poster?
I assume you mean me @user... I would have thought my point was obvious, as my post was only two lines long and the second line stated clearly Are you sure you are with the right person?

Look - good communication is only possible when both parties are ready, able and willing to engage in it. You are trying various methods of non-confrontational communication with someone who has no interest in reciprocating. There is no way to have healthy communication with someone not willing to engage in it no matter what approach you tried. (including KNEELING in front of him wtf?!!)

I tell him straight what's annoying me, I don't sugar coat it in any form and if he complains about me telling him (which he usually doesn't because he knows I'm right) I tell him to get over it and act like an adult. We have "heated discussions" a lot then it's finished and we are back to normal within 20 mins or so depending on how serious the argument was. I'm a big believer in saying how you feel straight away and not bottling it up.

No way would I be getting down on my knees next to dp to explain why something he has done has upset me. I think you need to reconsider this relationship OP, sounds very strange

If this counsellor is not experienced in the machinations of abuse then find another. I think seeing another counsellor anyway is in order in any case.

He is projecting his own self onto you, he like so many manipulative people are very good at making other people feel responsible for the manipulators actions.

Please do not further lower yourself ever again by kneeling in front of him. Bet he loved that.

Its not you, its him and he is not for changing nor will he change. He feels entitled to act like this and otherwise belittles you and or your family in company. I would also think he is all sweetness and light to those in the outside world.

Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. Your H wants absolute over you. What you are describing here from him is abuse towards you. You are trying to be reasonable with an inherently unreasonable person so nothing you try apart from actually leaving him will work.

DrMorbius perhaps I didn’t really understand your point then. Did you mean that if you argue with someone more than 3 times in 30 years that it means it’s not the right relationship? Or that just generally the OP isn’t in the right relationship because they have disagreements or because of his reaction to it?

Despite how he reacts does what you say change his behaviour or do you end up with the same issues each time?

I think it's fair to say that if you have a lot of arguments about big life stuff (which suggests not on the same page), it might well be that a couple aren't suited.

Why get down on your knees on the floor to open any discussion with this man? It probably looks like you are revering him as some kind of God, which he certainly isn't. So I would stop doing that.

I think there is no harm in continuing to stand, or at least remain in the seat you were in when you need to pull him up on something. It looks more assertive, where kneeling is submissive and might make him think that you consider him powerful.

Did the counsellor advise you to kneel?

I'll be honest and say that he doesn't sound very nice. Are you sure the issues can be resolved? People rarely change much in the longer term.

Down on your knees is a bit condescending, like how I'd speak to a child. I don't ever tell my DH what to do, I might say something upset me and he'd listen to that. How often are you trying to tell him his behaviour isn't what you are after?

The problem is counsellors who know nothing about abuse believe the appropriate response to anything is 'better communication'

When you are dealing with an abuser, it doesn't matter how or what you communicate, they will always respond with aggression and shutting you down. They won't change as they don't believe they are wrong. They understand what they are doing, and they do it because it works.

You will never get him to react as you do, OP. with people of his ilk, there are two solutions - ending the relationship, or you just let them do what they want. Forever.

So what's it to be, OP?

Only two thoughts come to mind:

1. try couples counselling so you are BOTH working on trying to communicate better
2. some people are just cunts & need to be left to overreact on their own.