Frustrated :(

[youorme]

I was wondering how other people solve conflicts with their OH’s? I’ve tried a variety of methods and have had advice from a counsellor but nothing seems to work. I’m currently doing the “I feel” “what just happened makes me feel” method so that I can’t be seen to be blaming but that’s not working either. I even knelt down on the floor yesterday while saying I felt uncomfortable by something he’d done, as he’s previously accused me of being overbearing while talking to him because of me standing up while talking. Nothings working though. He immediately raises his voice, pushes back and accuses me of criticising him. How do you voice concerns over behaviour or something that’s happened or initiate a potentially difficult discussion without provoking a furious/biting back type of reaction. He feels belittled by me and that I’m constantly criticising even if I’m just saying “I feel what you just said was unfair or unkind” I’d love to know how others air/handle their disagreements. Thanks.

I’d like to share something with you. There are two if you. Different thoughts and feelings. You sound caring and sensitive.
Sometimes people just can’t be there emotionally for themselves. Then when they are in a relationship with someone, they can’t be there for that person. What creates this constant tension within them is on them. Your choice is to decide what YOU like and remain in that riptide, like fighting the sea all the time when a nice swim would feel much more beneficial. I wrote a song years ago after a divorce. “ I know that you’re living
on the dark side of a dream, the love she wasn’t giving has you caught in between. You can’t leave her, when you believe her There’s only so much words can say But will you be prepared for the pain if you stay. “

I left her and found the most incredible woman in the universe. Change the words to “she” and ask yourself if being in the riptide is good for your heart. Hope it helps. Be loving to yourself. Cheers.

I have disagreements with my dp regularly but it never gets even remotely heated. We just say a few sentences, strive to understand each other, adjust our perceptions if needed and then move on.

Hes says the wrong thing (as I'd put it - e.g. scoffing at something that's important to me, dismissing an accomplishment, being thoughtless about something I'm sensitive about) perhaps once a year. I get upset, go quiet, he instantly knows something's up and gets quite anxious about it. Hed never bring it up though, he leaves me to it. Once I'm ready (usually 30-60 min of thinking it through) I tell him what I'm upset about and he is mortified by how he came across, or by something he was thinking in error. He says sorry and as long as I feel he understands where I'm coming from, ie hes not just saying sorry to make it go away, I instantly feel better and we move on. He usually feels awful for a while, usually buys a gift to say sorry and I end up telling him it's fine and everyone says thoughtless things sometimes.

Hes never been upset with me about anything. I suspect this is because he struggles to identify his own emotions though. I expect as he gets older and more in touch with his feelings, he may one day feel upset with me for being similarly thoughtless, we all do it.

With my ex, well, my ex was like your partner. It was a nightmare. I tried everything. I definitely knelt on the floor a few times, he had similar complaints. My tone was always not quite right, my facial expression was unacceptable, I was critical, judgemental, you name it. But basically the real rule was, rvby was required to shut the fuck up and be grateful someone even agreed to marry her, iyswim.

Now in hindsight I see that he was someone who used chronic disapproval of me as a manipulative tactic to keep me under his thumb. He knew I wanted things to work and would try anything. So he made sure I was always trying to work to make things work, it kept me weak, sad, depleted and therefore at his heel at all times.

In a moment of clarity after we split he told me, he had broken my legs (metaphorically speaking) so I wouldn't run away.

I'm not sure you're going to get the result you want from this guy OP. Xx

My husband is not rude or insensitive. I never have to pull him up on his attitude towards me or others.

And you kneeled in front of him ? What the actual fuck. Please do not ever do such a pitiful thing again.

You knelt down on the floor? Do you realise how mad that is?

Your oh is a dick.

Shout louder if you can be bothered. Or stop speaking altogether. So tedious. He needs a slap

Missing nobody “deserves” a slap.

It’s not you, it’s him. There is nothing you can do or say, no magic wand that will make him listen, respect you or change his behaviour.
He doesn’t want to!
He enjoys the power and control of seeing you kneeling on the floor, trying all sorts of things to appease him, begging him to listen to you.
As PPs have said, you can spend the rest of your life like this, or leave him.

Take charge.

Stop pandering to him.

Ignore him when he's like this.

You don't need this shit.

He's a bully. And like most bullies, they will crumble when you turn around and say, "Fuck you, I'm not doing this anymore."

Try it. It seriously has to be better than kneeling.

I do and don't get this.

He made a negative comment about your sister
You told him that it made you fell upset and it was disrespectful, expecting him to apologise
He said that you were controlling trying to get him to apologise and refused to do it.
You are frustrated with his reply and want him to believe he should be sorry and regret his actions.

But he doesn't and maybe that is that. You are flogging a dead horse. He is not remorseful about the comment and he is not moved by your upset.

Insulting a family member is a boundary for you but not for him. You can only set your own boundaries not his. Of course, you should have influence over his, but you don't. Maybe you just need to accept this is what it is and stop trying to get him to think and say things he doesn't believe in.

Upsetting to think you knelt in front of him to assuage his ego