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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What will it take for me to chuck him out?

40 replies

anothernamechange2 · 01/06/2019 03:27

Right, I shall try to be brief. I know the answer really, but with no one to talk to irl I'm feeling very isolated.

Half term holiday this week. I'm off work. Partner isn't, but was working less to spend time with me and DS(16 months). He has a history of drinking issues which have been up and down over the last year.

Friday he came home, having popped for one (three) on this way back from work and was acting really weird. When I asked him what was wrong he acted even more shifty. He "popped out to the shops" came home 4 hours later saying he'd "fucked up" turns out he'd gambled his whole wage packet. Leaving him/us with £500 left for the month. I could barely speak to him. He went to the spare room and I went to sleep. He came running in at 3am saying that he had won all the money back.

Obviously that made no difference to the point of my upset- which was that my hitherto annoying alcoholic partner was now an annoying alcoholic with a really bad gambling issue.

Spoke to him the next day. Really remorseful etc. I decide I can't throw him out as he seems really emotionally unwell. Tell him this has either got to be a springboard for change or it's the end of us. He agrees. Really shit bank holiday ensues as we have 20 pound to our name as even though he "won it all back" it wouldn't clear til Tuesday.

Tuesday comes and the money clears. I immediately pay my credit card and a couple of things that I have been needing to pay, but there's still almost 2000 in the account. I go to bed with the baby. He stays up watching tv, except he doesn't. You guessed it.... all gone- gambled almost 1400 pounds in 2 hours.

So he comes home crying in the early hours. He's really broken now, talking of suicide. He doesn't even argue when I say this is the end. But then I can't do it. I can't put a mentally unwell, penniless man on the streets. Let alone the father of my child.

Two days pass. Remorseful, budget planned so that we can just about survive on my wage. No alcohol. We've had two really nice nights with him at home playing with DS. Helping with the housework. Things that he never usually does because he's working or drunk.

He came home today saying he had extended his overdraft. And the first thing he bought was some beers. I said I wasn't happy about either, I would rather we survive on my wage than borrow money (borrow more money, we have a lot of debt)

Anyway I went to bed with baby about half 10. Just went downstairs to get baby's dummy as he had woken up and partner is passed out on sofa. Checked his phone and he's spent £20 odd pound at a local bar. No gambling. He had turned off the location tracker on his phone before heading out (I'm not a horrendous control freak for having that, he asked for it, to help us find him/each other when at festivals etc.)

I know this last situation is small. Man can't sleep, man pops out for a few beers. But that's why I needed to contextualise.

I went into work for a few hours today and hadn't realised until everyone asked "good half term?" How fucked up and alone this situation is . Anybody, any thoughts?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/06/2019 04:08

You bet I have thoughts. Actually, just one. GET RID OF HIM. Before he completely ruins your life.

Weenurse · 01/06/2019 04:12

Time to take control of his finances and give him a daily allowance.
He needs counseling for his addict.

Weenurse · 01/06/2019 04:13

Addictions

saraclara · 01/06/2019 04:13

Does he have access to your money? If he does, you need your own account NOW while you ponder the next stage.

celticmissey · 01/06/2019 04:21

I worked with a man like this. He had a wife and 2 young children. They almost became homeless. She stayed with him but only on the understanding that 1. He got professional help with his drinking and gambling addiction and 2. She and only she had control of all their joint finance - she gave him £20 a week and that was it. He had no access to any of their income.

This man could ruin your life if you continue as you are. If you continue he must get help and seriously commit to it. Take any access to money away from him. If he can't face up to his addictions you need to be realistic and consider ending it.

Just to say 10 years down the line, the man I used to work with still has no access to money as his wife still can't trust him. She has control of their finances. She gave him £100 on one occasion for a work related overnight stay away. Within one hour he had gambled away the lot.

Best of luck, you're going to need a lot of strength...

Seniorschoolmum · 01/06/2019 04:31

Make sure your finances are completely separate from his. Don’t enter into any joint contracts you can’t pay by yourself.

He needs to surrender his credit cards, pay his salary into your account and you give him a weekly allowance. Pay any money in the house, into your account. Make sure he can’t access the dc’s money.

And he gets professional help.

Otherwise he leaves because your first priority is to protect your dcs.

hellodarkness · 01/06/2019 05:15

I think I must be completely heartless because I wouldn't be waiting around to see whether, contrary to all the evidence, he managed to sort himself out. Alcoholism and a gambling addiction are highly likely to ruin your life, don't let him drag you down with him, you've given him enough chances. At this point, what is he adding to your life, what about him is attractive?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/06/2019 08:09

What hellodarkness wrote.

You cannot help someone like this, his primary relationship is with his addictions of gambling and drinking. Unless he himself decides to seek help of his own volition there is nothing you can do to help him and besides which he does not want your help anyway.

You can only save your own self ultimately and you have a choice re this man, your child does not.

He is not only dragging you down with him, he is also dragging your child down with him too. Its no life for your child to be witness to either.

Honkycat · 01/06/2019 08:14

Assume you are not married to him?

I think the gambling sounds extreme if he can blow his whole wages when he has a family at home who need that money. Add that to the drinking, I think you need to consider calling it a day or living separately till he sorts himself out.

RandomMess · 01/06/2019 08:38

He's an addict his drinking and gambling will always come first. SIL lost the house in the end that only had a tiny mortgage he has 6 DC to 3 different mums and has never provided for any of them.

Run for the hills.

ChristmasFluff · 01/06/2019 08:46

I am another one who would not continue in this relationship.

What it takes is putting yourself and your child first, because anything else is teaching him to put you second. Think about it - he already is doing that. He would see you homeless when he is in the grip of his addictions.

Notice that he has cried and watched the deterioration of his mental health - but has done nothing practical to make you and your child more secure - such as volunteering to hand over his money to you, or to enter a programme for addicts.

Instead you are enabling him to continue to abuse himself, by bailing him out (due to shared finances) and by explaining away his actions. 'Man can't sleep, man pops out for a few beers' for example. I have periodic insomnia, and never have I gone out to a pub/offie for drink as a cure, especially when finances are tough. This is entitled and selfish behaviour - typical of an addict, but not something you should tolerate.

For the sake of you, your child, and yes, your partner, end this. Active addiction is a dealbreaker, and breaking the deal is eventually inevitable for your own survival. He will end up homeless eventually anyway - it's an oft-stated truth that addicts don't change until the effect of their addiction hurts them enough. Unfortunately, it hurts those around them far more until they hit rock bottom.

Allow him to hit rock-bottom sooner, and alone. there's not point letting him drag you all to hell.

It's hard - I truly do know how hard it is to cut off someone you love for your own well-being. But sometimes tough love is the only love that works - for everyone. Flowers

Mac47 · 01/06/2019 08:54

You will be on the streets at this rate. Get rid of him. You are not responsible for his life, you are responsible for your child's- don't let them come second to an addict who is not capable of being a partner or parent.

Moralitym1n1 · 01/06/2019 09:03

Fuck No.

He is not partner material, he is not relationship material, he is not family man material. Maybe he will battle his addictions and become wonderful but a. I doubt that and b. You and your child will have your lives ruined in the interim.

So in addition to working and raising a baby/toddler, people are suggesting you be his nanny, mommy, banker, social worker, cheer leader, counsellor etc etc?

NO.

Moralitym1n1 · 01/06/2019 09:07

He sounds like he has a highly addictive, compulsive personality - I have my doubts that's going to be cured in the bear future or at all.

Plus someone who gambles and drinks to the point of taking food, shelter etc away from their child ...there isn't a word for that level of selfishness and lack of responsibility.

Get rid of him.

Moralitym1n1 · 01/06/2019 09:07

*near future

Moralitym1n1 · 01/06/2019 09:09

Sorry to be so harsh but you've made a big mistake by having a child with this man; don't compound it by staying with him.

Clutterbugsmum · 01/06/2019 09:09

You and your child will end up homeless, you will have to pay off all the debt he has conveniently put in your name as his credit is really bad.

He will move onto his next victim , while you are struggling to cope with all your debt and bringing up your DC alone.

Stop colluding with him, don't lie as to why you have no money, let family and friends know he has a drink and gambling problems.

He is using emotional blackmail to keep you covering for him. The only way he may change is for him to have all his comforts taken away. Only when he reaches rock bottom does he have a reason to change.

CarolDanvers · 01/06/2019 09:10

Time to take control of his finances and give him a daily allowance.

Nope, addicts will find a way to get more. My ex pawned our TV and my eternity ring, more than once.

Get rid OP. He will destroy you all.

LongTimeComing74 · 01/06/2019 09:36

Hi OP. Try to find an Al-Anon meeting near you. They support the family of addicts, and could help give you a clearer view. Thanks

Shoxfordian · 01/06/2019 10:31

Leave him and let him destroy his own life not yours

anothernamechange2 · 01/06/2019 16:34

Thank you all for your comments. I'm in a bit of a fog today. But luckily he is at work all day so I can have some time to think. Really appreciate everyone's views. I'm definitely not going to take charge of his money. I'm already responsible for so much. Not married, but deliberately so as I'm by far the higher earner and I didn't want to risk him having claim over that.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/06/2019 16:42

Find an Al Anon.

Start separating every formal link you have with him and his finances. You say we have debts. Whose name and what happened to the money?

Basically this is your turning point too.. cut and run for your life or stay with him and live like this forever? Your choice.

RandomMess · 01/06/2019 17:52

Staying with him isn't going to help him just delaying the cash and burn Sad

Gersin · 01/06/2019 18:10

So, speaking as someone who also put up with far too much for far too long. My way out was books and Al-Anon.

Look up the principles of Al-Anon. Join some of the FB support groups.

Read 'Codependent no more' by Melody Beattie, it's well recommended for a reason, it will explain enabling for you. It will also explain why you feel you can't throw him out, but why you must.

There are other books, but read that one first. No amount of 'I wouldn't put up with that' from anyone gave me what I needed to end the relationship. The woman who had been where I had been were also the ones not to say that. Before the relationship with my ex I was firmly in the 'ffs, why won't she just leave' camp. I came to discover that often the dynamics are not that simple.

ExhaustedGrinch · 01/06/2019 18:53

Time to take control of his finances and give him a daily allowance.

Nope, addicts will find a way to get more. My ex pawned our TV and my eternity ring, more than once.

Yep an addict will always find a way. I had to take control of DPs finances to prevent drug taking, didn't matter, he still found a way. I can see OP that you have no desire to do that anyway, I wouldn't do it again either, it's really rough going having to baby someone else financially and made me lose so much more respect for DP when I was doing it. Now the onus is on him and him alone because I can't do it any more.

I don't know how much more you can take but my only advice would be to make sure you don't allow him to get you into debt! I would say leave but I know it's not always that simple.

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