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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What will it take for me to chuck him out?

40 replies

anothernamechange2 · 01/06/2019 03:27

Right, I shall try to be brief. I know the answer really, but with no one to talk to irl I'm feeling very isolated.

Half term holiday this week. I'm off work. Partner isn't, but was working less to spend time with me and DS(16 months). He has a history of drinking issues which have been up and down over the last year.

Friday he came home, having popped for one (three) on this way back from work and was acting really weird. When I asked him what was wrong he acted even more shifty. He "popped out to the shops" came home 4 hours later saying he'd "fucked up" turns out he'd gambled his whole wage packet. Leaving him/us with £500 left for the month. I could barely speak to him. He went to the spare room and I went to sleep. He came running in at 3am saying that he had won all the money back.

Obviously that made no difference to the point of my upset- which was that my hitherto annoying alcoholic partner was now an annoying alcoholic with a really bad gambling issue.

Spoke to him the next day. Really remorseful etc. I decide I can't throw him out as he seems really emotionally unwell. Tell him this has either got to be a springboard for change or it's the end of us. He agrees. Really shit bank holiday ensues as we have 20 pound to our name as even though he "won it all back" it wouldn't clear til Tuesday.

Tuesday comes and the money clears. I immediately pay my credit card and a couple of things that I have been needing to pay, but there's still almost 2000 in the account. I go to bed with the baby. He stays up watching tv, except he doesn't. You guessed it.... all gone- gambled almost 1400 pounds in 2 hours.

So he comes home crying in the early hours. He's really broken now, talking of suicide. He doesn't even argue when I say this is the end. But then I can't do it. I can't put a mentally unwell, penniless man on the streets. Let alone the father of my child.

Two days pass. Remorseful, budget planned so that we can just about survive on my wage. No alcohol. We've had two really nice nights with him at home playing with DS. Helping with the housework. Things that he never usually does because he's working or drunk.

He came home today saying he had extended his overdraft. And the first thing he bought was some beers. I said I wasn't happy about either, I would rather we survive on my wage than borrow money (borrow more money, we have a lot of debt)

Anyway I went to bed with baby about half 10. Just went downstairs to get baby's dummy as he had woken up and partner is passed out on sofa. Checked his phone and he's spent £20 odd pound at a local bar. No gambling. He had turned off the location tracker on his phone before heading out (I'm not a horrendous control freak for having that, he asked for it, to help us find him/each other when at festivals etc.)

I know this last situation is small. Man can't sleep, man pops out for a few beers. But that's why I needed to contextualise.

I went into work for a few hours today and hadn't realised until everyone asked "good half term?" How fucked up and alone this situation is . Anybody, any thoughts?

OP posts:
anothernamechange2 · 01/06/2019 20:41

The we have debts is separate things. I do have a car loan in both our names as he needed a car quickly when he got a job further away and I went back to work from maternity. I've done my maths today and I'd be hard pressed to survive alone even on my good wage which is shit. I've got no family close by and childcare etc. Is crippling. Ridiculously I would be better off working/earning less.

I'm so all over the place. Feel like a really shit mother today, such a nice day and we've stayed in watching films and sleeping, but I was up half the night worrying about what to do.

OP posts:
anothernamechange2 · 01/06/2019 20:42

Thank you @Gersin I'll look up the book you recommend. That will help.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 01/06/2019 21:52

Sounds heartless but after further blowing the 1400 and crocodile tears of self pity he would have been shown the door and told to crack on - not a chance anyone would be playing with my childs security.

If you stay with this person its inevitable that you and your child will follow him into the gutter.

Find a way around financially and end it before he ruins all your lives.

RandomMess · 01/06/2019 21:55

You will be far financially worse off if you don't leave, you will lose everything. Sorry harsh but true.

Gersin · 02/06/2019 08:10

Have you looked to see if you could claim child tax credits as well? Have a look on the Turn to us website and perhaps do an ‘entitled to’ calculation. If you’re entitled this is a time to claim rather than be too proud and want to do it alone. I also do know woman who have stopped work for a short time, changed jobs, changed careers so that they could manage as a lone parent. Sometimes, if the most important thing is to get away from a situation you have to think completely differently.

LanguageAsAFlower · 28/11/2019 19:25

So I know this is an old thread but I just had to come back and update. (Also probably with a different name. But I was the OP)

I didn't leave.
It seemed like things got better,
Found out this week that he's taken out 10 grand of loans and gambled his wages away on 3 occasions.

Chucked him out.
I've been shitting myself about money and everything but I just wanted to say- I did it! And I should have listened to you all in June.

Blanca87 · 28/11/2019 19:33

A biter sweet congratulations! You can and will thirve now he's gone. Well done, your future is bright and bold entering a new decade. When you wobble remember that. X

bluejelly · 28/11/2019 19:37

Well done for chucking him out. Gambling is a monster. Don't let him back

Cailindeas35 · 28/11/2019 19:40

Well done you. It will be tough for a while, but you will be ok.
Im 6 years on from throwing my ex out.
I haven't looked back, life is so good, peaceful and stable for me and my 3 kids. While he is still drinking, gambling and making excuses.
Onwards and upwards, you'll do great. Flowers

Lillygolightly · 28/11/2019 20:29

Well done OP Star

MarianaMoatedGrange · 28/11/2019 20:38

Very well done! addictions are horrible, but only he can help himself and he's clearly not ready to. Now he can't drag you down with him.

RandomMess · 28/11/2019 20:41
Thanks

Life should get a whole lot better now!

camelandsushi · 28/11/2019 20:51

Well done you!!!!!! Good riddance to bad news Thanks and Wine

mcmooberry · 28/11/2019 20:51

Well done, you have avoided a life of deep and constant stress and financial ruin. I can imagine nothing more irritating than an alcoholic gambler, strewth!!

unicornsarereal72 · 28/11/2019 20:52

You will go from Strengthen to strengthen. Just take each day as it Comes. Let people support you. See if you can get any help with childcare cost through benefits. And go to cms for child support. Don't give him the opportunity to drink that away too.

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