Should I finally leave him

[mamamilkmachine]

I've been with OH for 7 years now. For the last 5 he has worked away Monday to Friday. I work part time. We have DD 2 years old. Things haven't been great for a while now.

He has a gambling problem that has ruined our life. We never do anything nice together....ever. I am always worried and anxious about if he is out gambling and where our money will come from. He never really sorry when he does it and doesn't respect the fact this is having a massive impact on my mental health. He says gamblers anonymous is stupid because it's full of alcoholics and drug abusers. I've got into thousands of pounds worth of debt in the last year just trying to get by. He is in thousands of kinds of debt too. He's been given thousands of pounds in hand outs from family and gambled it all away.

We rented together previously but 1 year ago a family member of his gave him a deposit for a house. He got the mortgage in his name only. We moved in and it was the beginning of the end! The house is a do me upper. He is very good with DIY so planned to the work himself. He ripped the living room to bits and it's been like that for 5 months so me and DD live in a bedroom.

I've planned to leave so many times before and never gone through with it. Last weekend he went out at 9am on Saturday morning, said he was going to the gym. I didn't hear from him until 2pm (he had obviously been in the bookies gambling all his wages away) he text to say he thought we were coming to an end and that things weren't great even when he's not gambling! He seems to think that if he doesn't gamble for a short time that everything will be fixed. During the time he's not gambling we are still skint as he uses his wages to pay of his own debt.

He complains all the time that we don't have enough sex he does nothing when he is at home, I cook, clean, run the house, work, do all the childcare and take all his shit too! I've had enough, I have booked to view a house to rent on Tuesday. If I leave it will be a struggle but I will have stability and security.

AIBU to finally leave instead of stand by him. I know gambling is an addiction and he is not doing it with the intent of loosing or ruing things but I've stuck around for years and nothing has changed.

Sorry for the long rambling messy post....thanks to anyone who read it all!

Please leave him. Imagine the relief you will feel once you're free of this dead weight, no longer worrying where he is, what he's doing. You can finally breathe and make a better life for yourself and your dc. You owe it to yourself.

YANBU. Leave as soon as you can.

Thank you for your replies, I know deep down it's the right thing to do, it's just hard to take the leap. I'm worried he won't let me have any furniture etc and that he will start to be unreasonable when he realises I am actually leaving. I am also worried he won't see DD anymore and I will feel guilty about that.

So he won't see your daughter? I see that as a positive he's a lazy,lying gambling addict who only gives a damn about himself and not how his behavior affects his nearest and dearest!

Leave.

I don't know if he will....I'm worried he will spiral out of control if I leave. He loves her and I like to think he would see her but it's something that plays on my mind. The silver lining of him working away is that it won't have a massive impact on DD

you are desperately unhappy - think of the affect of that on your DD already - you must leave for her sake if not your own

This is very sad. You must leave and start life anew. I raise a glass to your new better life.

Neither of you will miss him much if hes hardly there anywhere. If you dont go soon you could end up homeless. Hope you are brave enough to take that step for a better life for you and yr dc.

I don't know if he will....I'm worried he will spiral out of

And that is his problem! Not yours. I was married to alcoholic with a gambling problem and I stuck around for years, till my mental health was in shreds and it has never really recovered. Please don't let that happen to you. My only regret is that I didn't leave sooner. The first week after I got him out I felt horrendous, scared, in shock, anxiety through the roof. Then I thought about taking him back to alleviate those feelings and immediately felt even worse at the thought of it. Get rid of this man. He will destroy you.

It's important to remember that addicts don't give a shit about anything but their habit. He doesn't care about you or what happens to you. He'd see you in the gutter if it meant he could carry on gambling.

I think I'm scared because I've never really lived an adult life without him. I'm 29 and had only ever lived in shared accommodation or with family before we moved in together. I'm sure I will manage just fine once I'm sorted, it's just getting to that stage....
He's not a terrible person, it's just that the gambling has ruined him and us. It's sad really

@CarolDanvers it's such an awful addiction. It's completely taken over his life.

You are absolutely doing the right thing in leaving. Do not doubt yourself

What he chooses to do is up to him. You can’t control that. If you could, he wouldn’t be gambling, leaving everything around the house to you etc
Yes it would be sad if he chooses not to see DD. But sadder still for her to be living with someone who doesn’t care about her, in debt, unable to have nice things and with a mum who is worn down and stressed

Most people find it scary to live alone for the first time, what you are feeling is normal
But you can do it. And it will transform your life. Please go for it

Thank you @Rainbowqueeen I know I can't carry on like this. I've stayed in the hope things would get better but nothing's going to change unless I make it happen.

I don't mean to be harsh but you are enabling him by staying - nothing will ever change - sounds like his family enable him too - you will be fine - get help and support from citizens advice - they are great

*'I've been with OH for 7 years now. For the last 5 he has worked away Monday to Friday. I work part time. We have DD 2 years old. Things haven't been great for a while now.

He has a gambling problem'* - right, let me stop you there.

You don't need to say one more word. Those five are enough.

Just leave.

You'll be fine.

He is not your problem. His problem is not your problem.

Walk away. No guilt. No worry. Just go.

(yes, I know human emotions being what they are, you will feel all those things. They're what he capitalises upon to make sure he gets what he wants at your expense and that of your DC.)

You are not a bad person. You don't need permission. You would be doing the right thing.

Oh god op, yes you should leave. What a miserable life he's got you in.

You will love living on your own. It will be scary at first, but then it will be freeing. Your confidence will grow and life will be great. Go for it.

Please leave OP. You and your daughter deserve better

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to reply. It's nice to know other people don't think I am wrong to leave because of an addiction. I have tried to help but as a PP said staying has just enabled this behaviour.

"If I leave it will be a struggle but I will have stability and security".

That should be your mantra now; not further enabling this man as you have done. I would also read about codependency in relationships.

OP - have you ever seen a poor bookie?. Neither have I.

Enabling only gives you a false sense of control. Your child also needs stability and security; two things she has not really had to date. Take up the rental place on Tuesday.

You say you are concerned if you leave he will spiral out of control. Yet it sounds like he is already out of control and likely your money, paying for the basics such as home, bills etc is keeping him going and keeping a roof over his head.

When you say he got in touch at 2pm last weekend to say he wasn't happy and thought you were coming to an end, my instinct was that he had gambled all his money away and was scared you'd (rightly) go mental, so brought this up to deflect from that. And probably because his addiction has such a hold that he knew if he came home with his tIl between his legs and said how bad things were you would push him to deal with his addiction, something which will be very difficult and he can't face. So he was preempting that and making the choice without the awkwardness of the conversation/argument.

Do you have complete transparency of his finances? Has he borrowed money etc? I'd imagine he is massively in debt and doesn't just stop at his expendable wage. I'd be seriously concerned for the impact on your own credit rating and joint assets.

So in short... Yes, split is my advice. Look after you and your child. Or at the very least do it to split finances and protect your assets.

Nevermind ' should you leave'....

Can you think of any reason to stay?

Soooo...I did it! I left and I'm in the house I viewed. I got everything sorted and moved all our stuff out while OH was away with work then I text him to tel him and he didn't reply at all for 4 days. The first thing I heard from him was him asking me to sort his council tax out because he couldn't do it online and kept getting cut off waiting on the phone! We are feeling pretty settled, but I have had a couple of wobbles where I have wondered if I did the right thing, usually when LO asks about Dad I asked him to continue to have a relationship with her and said please don't punish her because of our problems. His response was he will try and find the time to have a relationship with her.....it's been 3 weeks now since he last seen her.