Should I finally leave him

[mamamilkmachine]

I've been with OH for 7 years now. For the last 5 he has worked away Monday to Friday. I work part time. We have DD 2 years old. Things haven't been great for a while now.

He has a gambling problem that has ruined our life. We never do anything nice together....ever. I am always worried and anxious about if he is out gambling and where our money will come from. He never really sorry when he does it and doesn't respect the fact this is having a massive impact on my mental health. He says gamblers anonymous is stupid because it's full of alcoholics and drug abusers. I've got into thousands of pounds worth of debt in the last year just trying to get by. He is in thousands of kinds of debt too. He's been given thousands of pounds in hand outs from family and gambled it all away.

We rented together previously but 1 year ago a family member of his gave him a deposit for a house. He got the mortgage in his name only. We moved in and it was the beginning of the end! The house is a do me upper. He is very good with DIY so planned to the work himself. He ripped the living room to bits and it's been like that for 5 months so me and DD live in a bedroom.

I've planned to leave so many times before and never gone through with it. Last weekend he went out at 9am on Saturday morning, said he was going to the gym. I didn't hear from him until 2pm (he had obviously been in the bookies gambling all his wages away) he text to say he thought we were coming to an end and that things weren't great even when he's not gambling! He seems to think that if he doesn't gamble for a short time that everything will be fixed. During the time he's not gambling we are still skint as he uses his wages to pay of his own debt.

He complains all the time that we don't have enough sex he does nothing when he is at home, I cook, clean, run the house, work, do all the childcare and take all his shit too! I've had enough, I have booked to view a house to rent on Tuesday. If I leave it will be a struggle but I will have stability and security.

AIBU to finally leave instead of stand by him. I know gambling is an addiction and he is not doing it with the intent of loosing or ruing things but I've stuck around for years and nothing has changed.

Sorry for the long rambling messy post....thanks to anyone who read it all!

Wow! Well done you!! That's brilliant. You will just go from strength to strength.

When you have your wobbles, remember how he hasn't seen your daughter for weeks. That is a reflection of the man. And you can do so much better than that.

He can sort his own messes out.

Your DD will soon enough learn that he's a useless flake and lose respect for him.

Onwards and upwards

Well done!

Omg he does all this yet has the gall to complain he doesn't have enough sex!!! If that was much part nervous I wouldn't have any sex ever again

Please leave this awful man and a wonderful new life awaits for you and your DC. Good luck.

Sorry spellcheck went mad!

I think that you should cut free from this partner, he must know the seriousness of this gambling habit,but is addicted to it,and it would be very hard to quit..without some serious help.. much the same as an alcoholic.

Mentally,this situation,and all the debt's will do your head in eventually, so now is the time to be strong,and get a better life.
I wish you luck for a better time ahead.

Well done OP, I hope you and LO have a bright, happy future together.
The next time you feel wobbly and doubting yourself just remember this:

he will try and find the time to have a relationship with her.....it's been 3 weeks now since he last seen her

In three weeks he never once made it a priority to give his LO a hug and reassure them that their dad loves them, he is selfish and you are both better off away from him.

Thank you all, it's hard not to blame myself for DD been sad about her Dad, she keeps saying Daddy at work Daddy back soon and I just don't know how to deal with the situation. She just came and gave me a cuddle and said 'we best friends mummy, daddy my best friend too' she's only 2. I know it's his fault but I feel like I have taken her away from him

OP you have definitely done the right thing. Thought I would offer some support from my experience as I've had years of dd asking about dad. It's completely normal and it becomes less frequent, although in your situation I am hopeful he will see her. The main thing is to get yourself happy and settled, he can wait. You can talk to her about how he is working a lot, as you seem to have. Sadly the men who let other things take priority over their kids don't always wake up immediately when these things happen, so it could take weeks or months for him to figure out what he has lost.

I don't think you would as you say he isn't a bad person, but be careful about badmouthing him to her in frustration. I managed to avoid this as I think it can make the child worry they are half "them" and therefore must be part 'bad' too. I stuck with: working a lot, very busy, has such a good job he has to work hard at it - until it went into years of him not seeing her. Then I switched to: he wasn't quite ready to be a daddy, one day he might turn up but until then we make an awesome team, etc. Trying to be short but sweet then distracting whilst letting them know they can always talk about it is tricky but can be done

Your best bet is to fill your days, wait for him to contact you and try to distract her. I now talk to dd openly (to a point) about her dad; she is nearly 8 and knows that he wasn't really ready to be a dad. If she talks to me about him now (maybe 4 times a year when she thinks of how it would be to have a dad) she says "I don't think he has grown up enough yet, or he would be asking to see me" - she is very wise .

I know we are better off out of his life - he was full of drama and I was exhausted by it. It doesn't mean that they don't love their child in some way, just that it isn't the way the child needs to be loved. I know she has had a very stable childhood with lots of love and friendships that would have been almost impossible to maintain with him in the picture. She is your priority now, not him, so making sure she has stability with you is your main area of control. You can't control what he does next and there's little point in trying.

I hope he sorts himself out for her sake. Big un-MNey hugs x

Bloody well done. Just stop for a moment and pat yourself on the back.

Your DD will be fine. It's because your a decent human being with a heart that you have wobbles from time to time.

You have done the best thing possible for your DD by leaving. I promise. Imagine trying to being her up, worrying if the bailiffs are going to knock on the door any minute to collect debts he's run up.

You're free. Give yourself permission to enjoy your life. Wishing you all the best.

*bring not being! Argh, autocorrect!

Thank you for taking the time to reply, they are helpful to read, and sorry for the late reply. I'm just feeling a bit down at the minute. LO actually said to me she was missing her Daddy yesterday and I was thinking of texting him asking him to see her.....I don't want to do this because I want him to do it of his own accord so that it's his choice and consistent, I don't want to upset or confuse DD any further. Then I got a message from him saying that it will be £150 to change the car insurance so that I am the main driver and 'he sure as fuck isn't paying for it' again nothing about DD. Just for context I took nothing from the house in fear of what he would do if I did so I have had to buy everything and he earns more than double what I do, he has said nothing yet about supporting DD financially.

On the plus side we have a children's party to go to today so that should be nice for LO

You have made amazing progress but now you need to stop being passive. I think you shpuld go through child maintenance. You can't force contact and ultimately that is his choice but you can stop sorting his shite out. Try to untangle any joint finance stuff and then put things in place to protect yourself from his self centred texts. Only engage if it is about contact otherwise he can fuck off.

Love, all he cares about is money and gambling.

I know it hurts you on your dd's behalf, but in the long run, chasing him for contact will be worse for her than if he drifts off now while she's tiny. Otherwise he'll be in and out of her life whenever it suits him, hurting her every time. I think it's better he's absent, than in her life letting her down regularly, breaking her heart. You can't make him want to be a good father and behave as he should.

Well done for actually doing it and getting out, you should be really proud of yourself.
What I would suggest is check your credit reports just to make sure that there is no debt in your name that you are unaware of.

Continue being strong for your daughter and only reply to messages from him regarding your daughter. Let him work the rest out by himself