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Original poster

Dad's affair. What right do I have to be upset?

44 replies

RuinedHeather · 31/05/2019 23:03

I recently found out my Dad has a child with another woman.

For context he's married to my Mum. However I want to try and focus on my relationship with my Dad and how what he's done effects that, rather than on the cheating itself.

My Dad feels like me and my siblings have turned our backs on him and he feels that he hasn't done anything to us.

I really don't know what to feel. Is he right? Is this just between him and my Mum and for them to sort out? I'm not sure where the line is.

I'd really appreciate some views from the outside.

OP posts:
NeighbourPooNameChange · 31/05/2019 23:06

He deceived everyone. its A pretty major thing for a family to discover. It must be a difficult time and I’m sorry I don’t have any useful advice to offer

ImNotNigel · 31/05/2019 23:07

Were / are he and your mum in an open marriage? Did you know this?

Or was he lying to and cheating on your mum?

How can he think that this wont affect his relationship with you? If he will lie to you mum, he can do the same to you. How can you ever trust him again ?

NeighbourPooNameChange · 31/05/2019 23:07

Also if you don’t mind, how old are your parents, OW, and the child?

Original poster
RuinedHeather · 31/05/2019 23:08

Lying and cheating.

OP posts:
Original poster
RuinedHeather · 31/05/2019 23:10

I'm trying not to give too much detail, but said child is over 20 years+ younger than me.

OP posts:
Thehop · 31/05/2019 23:10

Of course this affects you and your relationship with him! He wasn’t the father you thought he was, your family wasn’t what you thought it was!!

Fr3d · 31/05/2019 23:14

He's someone who cheated on his wife and had another child. Kept that child separate (I assume), deprived child on half-siblings. If any of your friends did this and kept it secret, it would make you question and reassess that person and your friendship.

I know some people who are awful liars, even when there's really no need to lie. So when they make excuses to me, a tiny part of my brain is going "Really?"

I'm assuming he has lied to you all for a period of time...easy to start questioning everything he's told you and tells you.

Presume also he was someone you respected, a role model. And now he's not. Big adjustment. I'm sorry Flowers

Singlenotsingle · 31/05/2019 23:16

Well, you're obviously an adult with your own life to live. I can't see that you getting involved is of any benefit to anyone. It's done now and there's an innocent child to consider. I would say be there to support your DM if she's upset but don't go wading in with guns blazing. You don't know what went on in their marriage.

Hooferdoofer37 · 31/05/2019 23:18

If your father worked, then presumably the time he could spend with his children was limited.

If instead of spending that limited time outside of work with his wife & children, he spent his time with the OW then of course you have the right to be pissed off.

Depending on your age, he potentially missed out on story time with you, helping with homework, making you dinner, playing games with you, parenting essentially.

He also made life for your mum much harder. Leaving the bulk of the parenting to her, doing less than his fair share around the home, making her feel jealous, suspicious, unappreciated, neglected, unhappy. All of that would have also affected you, either consciously or subconsciously.

You are absolutely right to feel betrayed. In short, he prioritised his dick over you and your siblings.

He caused feelings of anger, betrayal & hurt in your family.

The fact that he thinks you weren't affected implies he's a narcissist as well.

Take some time out to process this & ignore his ridiculous statements about you not being affected, that's just wishful thinking on his part.

Original poster
RuinedHeather · 31/05/2019 23:22

My Dad is an expert at presenting himself as the victim.

So rather than him being in the wrong for cheating on my Mum and having another child, we are all being horrible to him for being upset and not celebrating him as 'Dad of the Year'. Because they are two separate things as far as he's concerned.

It's such a head fuck.

OP posts:
redexpat · 31/05/2019 23:36

You are entitled to own your feelings. We cant control them, thats why theyre called feelings. You can control what you do with those feelings but thatsanother matter.

Noonooyou · 31/05/2019 23:39

I'd be incredibly disappointed in my dad if I found out he had been cheating on my mum. But it's not the other child's fault really! I can't say i would go no contact with my dad but i would view him in a different light as we've all been brought up with values such as cheating is wrong!

redastherose · 31/05/2019 23:55

Whilst your Mum is the primary person hurt by this revelation you have every right to feel hurt too. He has revealed himself as someone who was willing to lie and cheat and that fundamentally changes lots of things. Presumably he's been involved in teaching you right from wrong your whole life so to find out that it's very much a do as I say not as I do will be incredibly hurtful. Take whatever time you need remember his feelings don't trump yours. He doesn't get to tell you what to think or feel.

TheresAWay · 01/06/2019 00:09

This child is your half sibling, that is a big thing.

WeeWeed · 01/06/2019 00:12

My Dad is an expert at presenting himself as the victim - common trait I'm afraid.

You have only recently found out so you will need time to process it all, I think he needs back off and give you the space to do that.

memaymamo · 01/06/2019 00:19

You have EVERY right to be upset, and to feel betrayed on behalf of your Mum. He lied to you all, which in itself is awful. He created a half sibling to you, which is a huge thing to hide. He revealed that he is not the person you thought he was, which takes time to come to terms with.

You must accept that he may never understand your feelings but you have every right to feel that way.

pisces12 · 01/06/2019 02:45

My mum cheated on my dad 15+ years ago and i haven't had a relationship with her since..
He can't tell you how to feel about something he has done to your family

DinkyTie · 01/06/2019 03:05

I think you have every right to be disappointed in your DF, he's shown himself to be a horrible person.

Personally I'd never forgive my DF, I wouldn't disown him, but he'd know what I thought of him.

The other DC is not the OPs concern, regardless if it's her half sibling. She doesn't owe them anything

RiversDisguise · 01/06/2019 03:08

He sounds like a prick. Sorry OP.

My dad destroyed our family with his cheating. Damn right I was upset when I found out. And it revealed to me the selfish, unloving man he really was. Haven't spoken to him in years.

SnowsInWater · 01/06/2019 03:09

He has shown himself to be a man who has cheated, lied and deceived those he is supposed to love. I would expect a wife's response to that to be different to a child's (whether adult or not) as the relationship is different but I would expect both to be appalled that someone they love is capable of such behaviour!

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/06/2019 03:10

My Dad feels like me and my siblings have turned our backs on him and he feels that he hasn't done anything to us.

He hid a sibling from you. That's bad enough. But importantly he robbed you of a role model and father-figure. I look up to my dad. He has, as far as I know (and I really believe it) been working his whole life to try to make my mum and us happy. No lying or cheating and he spent his time with us. He truly loves my mum still (even though she can be a PITA).

I therefore have had generally good relationships with men because I have very high standards. My DBro also has great morals (because in part of my father) and he has also been an example of a good man.

You haven't had that.

hellodarkness · 01/06/2019 05:03

"My Dad feels like me and my siblings have turned our backs on him and he feels that he hasn't done anything to us."

He's betrayed and hurt someone you love very much, and proven himself a liar. Of course you're going to wonder what sort of person he is, what else he may have lied about and whether you want any sort of future relationship with him.

It beggars belief actually that, instead of doing everything he can to explain and apologise, he is whining that you are treating him differently. But then I suppose it takes a certain type of person to father and conceal a child outside the primary family.

It is your mum who needs support now, he can wait until you're ready to build bridges with him, if indeed you ever are.

hellodarkness · 01/06/2019 05:09

"I would say be there to support your DM if she's upset but don't go in with guns blazing."

If she's upset? I'd say she's probably a bit more than upset, finding out that her husband of decades has had at least one affair and fathered a child. I expect she is wondering why she wasted her one life on this odious man, agonising over the details of the affair and grieving for her marriage and future. FWIW I wouldn't go in with guns blazing either, I just wouldn't speak to him again.

Aussiebean · 01/06/2019 10:31

Well he is not dad of the year. He had a child in secret, kept that child a dirty little secret. Kept that child away from his siblings and I would bet a pretty absent father to boot

CursedDiamond · 01/06/2019 11:58

My dad had an affair when I was about 17. It was an old girlfriend, they met at a school reunion. They kept it secret for about 5 months before he came clean, and left my mum for her. They are still together 20 odd years later, and married.

How i felt about it at the time was complicated, and definitely affected me. I was old enough to realise that people don't always stay in love with the same person forever, and that break ups happen. I was upset by how much it had upset my mum, who had sacrificed a lot for my dad and his career over their marriage. I was upset that he became a total dick over money when they were organising the divorce practicalities. I was particularly upset that one of the contributing factors to their split was that my parents had lived in different countries for 6 years, for his work/our schooling - but he was suddenly able to move back to the UK to be with this other woman now.

It took me a long time to forgive my dad. and I refused to meet my stepmum for a long time. They were married before I ever met her. The thing that changed that was my mum made her peace with it all, after she was seriously ill with cancer. She met up with them for dinner, and I felt that I couldn't keep the barriers up if she was able to move beyond it. But my line up until then had always been that my relationship was with my dad, not her.

My relationship with my dad was difficult. Mum encouraged us to stay close, but I think I felt some respect had gone - mainly because i felt he was being a hypocrit. He'd always been very judgmental of men who cheated, and I felt that he was trying to rationalise his as 'different' because it was 'love'. It wasn't the cheating that disappointed me - it was him trying to differentiate it, and that he'd always been so sanctimonious about his monogamy before. And the finances as well. that just seemed so cold.

Anyway, my point is...this sort of thing does affect you. 20 years later, it still affects me in ways I don't realise until after. He doesn't get to dictate how you feel about this, and you need time to process. He needs to give you the space.