Dad's affair. What right do I have to be upset?

[RuinedHeather]

I recently found out my Dad has a child with another woman.

For context he's married to my Mum. However I want to try and focus on my relationship with my Dad and how what he's done effects that, rather than on the cheating itself.

My Dad feels like me and my siblings have turned our backs on him and he feels that he hasn't done anything to us.

I really don't know what to feel. Is he right? Is this just between him and my Mum and for them to sort out? I'm not sure where the line is.

I'd really appreciate some views from the outside.

Of course you’re right to feel upset. Not only did he hurt you but he hurt your mum who, presumably, you love and empathise with.

You don’t just get annoyed at people for how they treat you but for how they treat those you love.

He does sound an absolute head fuck. Ignore the silly man. I'm sorry he's your dad.

It's how he's reacting that's the key I think. If he'd been remorseful and apologetic and tried to make amends that's one thing. But to do something like that then go all 'poor me' and start blaming everyone else. Well that's not someone I could continue a relationship with.

I discovered that my dad was having an affair when I was about 15. My parents had an unhappy marriage, many rows and dad worked away a lot of the time, partly, I suspect to get away from mum. I was horrified and made up my young mind to confront them about it. I even wrote down what I would say. But I did not go through with it. I told no one what I had found out and never spoke about it to anyone. Looking back now, decades later when all involved are long dead, I think I made the right decision. It is quite likely my mother knew, or at leastsuspected, what was going on and had her own reasons for doing nothing about it. Making everything public would have caused huge stress for everyone, both victims and perpetrators, and it is hard to see that anything positive would have been achieved. My relationship with my parents would have been damaged, perhaps permanently. No outsider can know everything about a relationship between two other people, however close you are to them. Don't judge, just accept the facts and move on.

I'm sorry your dad has done this to you and your family. How dare he paint himself as the victim! He made a choice. I'm not sure I could ever forgive him in your shoes but your half sibling has done nothing wrong here and maybe in time you will be able to have a sibling bond with them? I wouldn't want to see the ow either and would never forgive her. You have every right to feel upset and angry

One possible impact is that when your dad dies, you may find that he has left some of his estate to his other child in his will. And if he hasn't, the other child (or the child's mother) could contest his will.

Not sure that you can do anything about that, either way - just don't be surprised.

He sounds like an awful man. The worst. Deceit, entitlement, and now manipulation and grotesque self pity.

His sulking over the fact you have feelings about what an immoral, selfish liar he is is beyond pathetic.

I could no longer have any respect for that person and don’t think I’d want to see them again.

My Dad feels like me and my siblings have turned our backs on him and he feels that he hasn't done anything to us. unfortunately that's a consequence of his actions. You are allowed to be angry, upset with him. His actions hurt you, your siblings and your mum. Just because he moved on doesn't mean everyone else has too at his time line.

All cheats will try and make themselves the victim, because if they don't they have to admit that they are not nice people.

When my dad had an affair he sat downstairs drinking, when I found out (My mum was upstairs devastated) I went to talk to him and he sprouted all this crap that my mum had supposed have done. I gave him the truth to his face and he did not like the fact that I didn't see him as a victim but for what he was. He left the next day while we were at work.

And if anyone wants to take exception to the describing of my Mum as "a vegetable"
Substitute "in a vegetative state".
And then fuck off

Being lied to ( even by omission) alters your reality. You think of yourselves as his children, and actually there are secret children too. That’s a big shift.
He’s minimising because its convenient for him.

Yep. Lies, deciet, omissions. All toxic behaviour :(

You have absolutely every right to feel how you feel. He doesn’t get to dictate, or decide, what, or how you feel.

His entitlement continues! Why do so many men feel entitled to decide what and how women should think?

I’m in the same situation, not long found out about a sibling; parents happily married for years dad worked away - I’m the only one that knows and I’m in my late 40’s I’m gutted and cry every day in the car bath anywhere- It’s not that easy to cut my dad out I love my mum and dad and my children love them too x

My mum doesn’t know

And I’ve killed this thread - sorry, I’m struggling

EatMyShorts You're right, it's not easy. It's a really complicated situation with lots of layers, you knowing and your Mum not must be awful.

Take care of yourself XX

Ruinedheather thank you it’s been 6 months and I have a teenager and a 12 year old it doesn’t happen to people like us - my sister is 49 our half brother is 18 I can’t ruin my mums life but I will have my revenge -

Take care too thank you

You love your Dad, but you're entirely entitled to your feelings. Don't go feeling guilty about it or questioning if you're entitled to them. You are. The thing is, you need to give them a place.

Your Dad isn't what you thought he was. You know that with your head, and your head is just as valid a part of you as your heart, which still -wants- to believe in him.

He can play the victim but that is -his- choice. It's a poor one given that he's left a child unparented, but it's not your place to influence what he's thinking or feeling.

Give yourself time to process what you are feeling; don't accept any guilt from how he's being victim, because it isn't yours to accept. It's an excuse, and if there are any victims in this it's your half-sibling and perhaps his/her mother, and certainly your own mother.

This has put a lot of distance between you and your father and things will never be the same. All you can do now is to go on from here, but don't accept guilt from him. Your feelings are valid. He may be feeling sorry for himself because he didn't think he'd ever have to handle the fallout, but in the end his actions are his responsibility and he can only handle his own feelings himself .. however much they make you raise your eyebrows and feel let down.