How to leave when they don’t want you to go

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5 years into a relationship with kind, gentle, lovely man who adores me. We met about a year after my divorce where he was so very understanding and supportive; we have had a great relationship and we moved in together about 18 months ago. He kept his flat and he moved in to mine. He’s fantastic - does his fair share around the house (in fact probably more than me) and we have common interests. We have a great life and exciting plans for the future. So what the fuck is wrong with me that I just don’t feel the same way I used to? I really, really like him still but I don’t love him anymore and I have no idea how to tell him to go. He has no idea - I've been deliberately painstakingly pretending all is well. What do I say? How on earth do I do this?

Just be honest, say exactly what you said here, and do it as soon as possible so you can both move along. Oh dear, good luck

What if this is just me though? I got divorced for the same reason. Why can’t I stay ‘in love’? Or do I just have massive unrealistic expectations?

Why do you feel like you're not in love with him anymore?

You may feel better after a chat, it doesn’t have to be final. Perhaps u need a weekend away together or a weekend on your own, or a joint hobby to re spark the flame? But by talking and being honest / from there u may be able to move forward, and he may be able to help u. Keeping stuff to yourself can sometimes drive you mad! Talk to him

Are your expectations realistic? Are lots of people still “in love” after five years? It seems a bit immature to expect that. There’s a difference between that and loving someone.

Are you expecting to stay in the 'honeymoon phase' of your relationship forever? I ask because I have a couple of friends who as soon as the spark dies down a bit, end their relationship - they seem to have got in a pattern of thinking when things settle down to normal and content without the fireworks then there's no point in carrying on. In which case, they're doomed to just keep repeating the cycle.

Of course, this may not apply to you. But it is unrealistic to expect that you will always be as excited by your partner as you were in the early days.

We do weekends away and concerts and theatre etc - all things we both like but I can do that with my friends.

I don’t know - is it immature? I guess that’s what I’m pondering ..... is this it? Content, easy and enjoyable but a bit ? and not the same as I used to feel? But us that ok because actually he ticks all the boxes and I’d be safe and secure for the rest of my life.

sugarmice
I guess that could well be me?

If you've invested 5 years and it's an issue that's appeared before, is it worth some couples' counselling before calling it a day? There may be underlying feelings you haven't explored. At least then you both know you've really tried everything.

You are not happy. By telling him, it may relieve that pressure and u might actually settle. He might make u feel better, I think relationships are based on honesty, as long as your tactful, v difficult.

I definitely wouldn’t call it a day just yet, talk to him about it and see what you can work on together, maybe try couples counselling. I think it’s natural not to feel the same way you did five years ago, especially now you live together.

Breaking up or mending the relationship is a journey, first step talk - maybe get a friend to pretend to be your partner - talk to her as u want to to him, see where the conversation leads??

Can you identify why you feel the way you do? If this is the second time you've felt like this then it's worth really looking closely at it.

May I ask your age?

I’m 46
I don’t know what exactly is different; it just is.....I’m irritated by him but for absolutely no reason. I know I’m being unreasonable so I don’t show it but inside I’m screaming ‘just go away’ and I know if I could wave a wand and he disappeared, I would.

I have no idea what I’d say at Couples counseling... maybe I need counseling for myself first? I stayed in my marriage for years longer than I wanted to in the basis that my husband and son were happy so I should just suck it up. But in the end, I couldn’t and had to go. It was awful ....he was so upset ...... and I don’t know how to do it again? I just want to run away

Do u think u could be peri menopausal? Do other people irritate u? Could u need more time on your own? If u had a weekend away would u enjoy his company? Chat lots? Cuddle?

I just don’t seem to be able to sustain romantic relationships beyond 4/5 years. I have great girlfriends some of whom I’ve known for 30 years so I’m not a horrible person. My friends are rather shocked but very supportive however my oldest closest friend did ask what on earth I wanted in a relationship if he isn’t it.....so I think it’s me!?

Ps if u do want to runaway maybe u should? Just say u need time and have a few days somewhere for reflection and peace?

Remember that first rush of love you had when you first met?
Not many people keep that feeling, love changes with time, like opening a bottle of champagne. Over time the bubbles may go, but it’s still champagne.

I think you both need to talk. Are you spending enough time together? Make time for some romance, maybe a mini break, see if you can recapture that initial feeling again. Don’t be too quick to dump him, it might just be a sort of 7 year itch.

Is your house immaculate? Are u very particular over stuff? I have a friend like that and she gets irritated easily she has to have everything just so. Ps we get worse with age!!! Women!!!

mumsthe
Ha ha! Yes I think I’m ‘normally’ tidy but apparently it’s not! I do like everything in its place and cant abide stuff just left around. So everything has its place or it goes in the bin!
Might be hormones - periods are a bit haywire?

I’m wondering if I should ask him to move back into his flat but not break up? Just go back to living separately? Not sure how that would go down but maybe it’s worth a shot?

You know though that he'll get snapped up in a flash by someone else, OP? And he sounds really great - what would a new guy have that this one doesn't?

I think life is about choices and feeling free. If there was no other flat u would have Ltd choice, but if that’s an option and u want to - put it to him, u never know he might be thinking “thank the lord!!!” Also i believe never to be afraid, go for it.

Maybe you're not cut out for long-term relationships? Would that be so awful?

catagory
I think maybe you are right but how on earth do I explain it to him. You’ve done everything right but I’m off anyway. It’s not you, it’s me is so bloody cliche