How to leave when they don’t want you to go

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5 years into a relationship with kind, gentle, lovely man who adores me. We met about a year after my divorce where he was so very understanding and supportive; we have had a great relationship and we moved in together about 18 months ago. He kept his flat and he moved in to mine. He’s fantastic - does his fair share around the house (in fact probably more than me) and we have common interests. We have a great life and exciting plans for the future. So what the fuck is wrong with me that I just don’t feel the same way I used to? I really, really like him still but I don’t love him anymore and I have no idea how to tell him to go. He has no idea - I've been deliberately painstakingly pretending all is well. What do I say? How on earth do I do this?

mumthe
I’m afraid of the hurt it’s going to cause. The actual process of splitting up is so bloody gruesome .... it’s ghastly and more awful none of the reasons make sense.

Just don’t bury your head, better u discuss this now rather than 10 years!

I’m the queen of burying head ..... but yes, I need to say something rather than carry on the pretense that everything is fine while spending every moment I can mentally detached and trying to find reasons for him to be out.

Good luck, dig out that head!

The key bit for me is can you envisage a sex life with this person for the next 20 years or more. If the answer is no then you really need to move on now and find that flame because when you have already settled once to appease your DH and child, you do not want to do it again.

This sounds to me like a fear of intimacy .Bear with me on this ...Some people myself included have emotional protection barriers .We can meet very nice reasonable men and be attracted to them but when the initial in love wears off they begin to irritate us ..well me. That you cant tell him how you feel and worry about upset is an indication of the level of intimacy in your relationship and how much you are really being yourself... Intimacy isn't about sex or things in common or weekend away ...Its about feeling totally yourself with someone,the good ,the bad and the ugly. And this is your issue ...maybe you dont know the truth of who you are and maybe he cant handle that truth ...but you need to find out or you will never be happy in any relationship

Before doing anything irrevocable, I think it would be helpful to see a therapist on your own, to see if you can identify why you are repeatedly doing this, and resolve it, should you wish to.

Hi OP, I had a similar relationship after my divorce (awful marriage) and I wanted out too. It was difficult ending it with someone who was lovely but in the end I realised they adored me and I just didn't feel the same and they deserved someone who would feel that way about them. I'm single and accept that suits me better than any relationship and I'm still friends with the lovely ex. As someone else said maybe you're not cut out for LTR's and there's nothing wrong with that.

I see you've had suggestions about seeking therapy but I can only see this as being worthwhile if you are bothered by your relationship history. We are so conditioned to believe we should all be partnered up that we conclude we are broken if we don't succeed but for some of us the single life really is more fulfilling. Other people are more fulfilled sharing their life with a SO Neither is wrong but don't assume you need to be fixed, you may not be broken!

Did the same feelings occur with your ex about the same time after moving in? You might be better suited to being together but living separately.

I agree with seeking some therapy just for yourself at this stage. It would be a shame to throw away a relationship and end up regretting it. A therapist could help you figure it out either way.

Hager you googled relationship OCD? Do the 'symptoms' sound like you? Just because you've said you were like this before it made me think. I get to a similar point in relationships too where I feel I want more. I've been married 7 years and I've been feeling similar for 6 months but didn't want us to separate. I found out about relationship ocd and it made me feel like that's me. Whenever I'm going through a big life change (house move, IVF) these feelings just surface telling me I need to end it and questioning the relationship. I'm going to therapy for it.

Mrlist & hellodedrie* It’s interesting reading your post back to back because yes I could and can happily have sex with him and it’s all very nice but I wouldn’t ever tell him what I would really like and want (Don’t worry - nothing hideous - just talking very vanilla stuff). So the lack of proper intimacy thing is an interesting thought? I guess I don’t really ever do that? I’m a ‘fixer’ - everyone comes to me to get help and sort their stuff out. I don’t ever tell people what I need because always figure I will just have to sort it myself?

gin Off to google relationship

Turbo I guess that’s the nub isn’t it. My relationship history bothers me because other people get hurt and I feel like shit. Maybe I need to accept this is how I am but be much better at putting those boundaries up front with potential partners. This will be the 4/4 ‘proper’ relationships ended by me for the same reason ..... can’t keep doing it.

Thank you for some very interesting perspectives!

Oh i feel for you, I can relate to your post but I'm only a couple of months in
No advice just wanted to send a hug xx

i think you need some space.

If you’re a fixer and very independent, maybe you need to ask yourself what you want from a relationship. You obviously don’t have any dependency issues, which is good. But ask yourself what you want and then tell your DP.

daisy
I think you are right but I think the problem is I do tell them at the beginning. But then somehow the boundaries get blurred and I don’t stick to them. I was adamant that I would never live with anyone again but then somehow I just rolled over and let it happen. Because we had a good relationship, because he wanted too, because why not what else could I possibly need him to do?? Etc..... I need to never do this a bloody again!