Selfish DH, how can i get us back on track?

[Giraffeinabox]

Recent NC and will probably nc after this too.
Bit of background... married 3 years, together 6, 8 month old DS.
DH is the most self centered, moody git recently. Hes always been moody. He suffered from depression his whole life, he has also had addiction issues in the past. We used to have fun and a laugh amongst the hard bits of life but recently its just been same old down in the dumps.
We have both agreed we are in a rut with our evenings, (ds in bed, dinner, clean, tv) but when i tried to sort something to switch it up a bit (games night) i was met with "we have no money because you spend it all". Note: i am on mat leave and 'spend it all' on food shopping we need and a trip to the shop each day, Maybe a car park cost of im going to meet my mum. We get paid today and ive been told that its already all accounted for. Its not. Hes happy to spend on my credit card when its something for him but when its my suggestion its a no.
He comes home from work, moans about the fact others are staying behind to finish work while hes had to come home to 'save me' from DS. He has been told i dont need saving and to stay on but he says he misses DS too much at bedtime. Moans about doing any tidying up. Yesterday did the washing up and complained he never gets thanked for it. I told him i dont get thanks for running around after DS all day. He said thats my job, im his mum. I said the washing and tidying was also his jobs because he also lives here. He didnt have a reply to that (just to confirm, my comment was to make a point, i dont expect or want any thanks for parenting my own child).
Makes snide comments all the time. If i complain about anything, he has it worse. Im due back at work next month and dont like my colleagues and the company is financially struggling so im obviously anxious about it and im told theres nothing we can do to change it so get over it.
He has 5 days off after today and im dreading it. I tried to plan some things and ive been told we dont have the money. We do. He wants money to last all month and is fed up of it running out at the end. Tells me not to spend it at the start of the month. I tell him that if i dont get the things we need at the start then it gets frittered away and we dont get anything at all. He agrees then says hes fed up of feeling skint. Argument then goes in circles.
Ive thought about how long this can realistically go on for. I cant bite my tongue my whole life. But i dont want to give up on our marriage and him.
We dont do much seperately since DS was born so we both agreed we need a hobby. I went out for 1 hour the other night for a sunbed and a trip to tesco and got home to be greeted with " why were there no sterile bottles?" And "he was such hard work" so i felt guilty. We agreed he would go back to his hobby of playing darts. He says he will do it but he also said that when we moved here 2 years ago. He says he will do stuff so i get excited thinking i might have an evening to do my thing in the house then he doesnt do it. What can i do?! I dread him coming home and the weekends because hes so miserable. We were meant to be going away this weekend with my larents but we arnt because he doesnt like how they are with DS. I get they can be over baring a bit but its a free holiday for godsake. The fact i wanted to go wasnt even considered. What can i do to get us back on track?

You can’t.
He doesn’t want to.
Leave him and start enjoying life without this fun sponge sucking the joy out of your life.

He’s always been moody but in the early stages of your relationship it was less noticeable because he was happy and in love.

Now his true colours are showing.

Counselling, alone if you need to (that can be your hobby). I’d also suggest reading ‘too good to leave to bad to stay’ or similar. What did you do together as a couple that you both enjoyed? What made you fall in love with him? Can you get that back?

It sounds absolutely awful. If you decide it’s unfixable please make the break sooner rather than later, it’s better not to prolong the agony.

LTB. Your life can be so much better than this.

I cant leave him. Im financially locked in. Joint account, he earns the most and i take care of DS. I'll be working part time and after childcare ill have 200 pounds left over. I dont have a clue how i would go about leaving him. Then theres the judgement from family and i dont want to a. Split our family apart for me being a bit unhappy and b. Create a bad impression of him in case we got back together... because i love him

And go on the holiday !

Take DS on holiday on your own with your parents, don’t let him spoil what could be a great family weekend away!

Take dc in holiday and leave him behind.

Check out the benefits you’d get if you left and lived on your own too

You cannot save what is a failed relationship here on your own and besides which he is not interested. He is adept too at blaming you for all his inherent problems.

What do you get out of this relationship?. I am wondering if you are actually confusing love with codependency here. You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship, neither approach works.

You are far from being merely a bit unhappy and he is already splitting this family apart by his actions. Fear of him and fear of the unknown keep people like you trapped within relationships that should have really ended a long time ago. Your H has self medicated his moods and apart from that absolutely not working, caused him to become addicted.

When did he see the GP last re depression?. I actually wonder how much of this is actually due to he being depressed as opposed to him being an abusive person.

He sees you as a housemaid cum domestic appliance; he values you so very little and that attitude will run off onto your son too. That is already happening.

Take your son on holiday with your parents and leave your H behind.

Your reasons for staying are flimsy at best and are written too from an overall lack of knowledge. Knowledge though is power!.

I would urge you to find out exactly where you stand legally, you are married to this man and thus have rights in law re separation and divorce. Sod judgment from family; they should be supportive of you in leaving him and besides which they do not live with this joyless person day in and day out.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here from you two?. Do you him growing up thinking that yes this is how men treat women, for this to be his norm too. Some legacy that is to leave him. He won't thank you for staying with his dad and if you told him that you stayed because of he, he will call you daft for doing so. Would you want him as an adult to treat his partner as you are, no you would not.

What's really telling is the title of this post. 'How can I get us back on track?' You can't do this on your own, if he's not willing to work on it things will never change.

Sorry OP, that sounds utterly miserable.
Most likely won't change.
Accept your lot, or change your lot.

Go on holidays with your parents. Leave him behind and have a rest from the misery.

Big mistake to allow him dictate the holiday.

Good luck.

Whats annoying is he says hes trying. But his version of trying is doing things like the washing etc but to me that is just what you should be doing if you live together. And he always expects a medal after doing it.
He last say gp for depression some years ago. Theres a bit of confussion around it because he told me he was seeing a gp for depression but was actually seeing them for something else. This was like weeks into our relationship so let it slide. The start of our relationship is cloudy because he told a lot of lies. That should have been my first clue really.
I want us to be together and happy again but he doesnt take it seriously when i say im unhappy, turns it around on me or blames it on circumstances and says ill get over it. His family have also suggested depression since DS was born

I don't want to detract from the advice you've got so far which I think is right.

What I will ad to the mix is that he's hiding something from you.
Money,
Work
Something else

One point you made is his complaints about not being able to stay at work.

That's interesting.

If you've given him the space to "stay late" but doesn't take it, then I would suggest that there is something going on at work. Like he's fucked up badly and is worried about being fired.

Instead of taking the space you've created to enable this he's comming home and bitching at you, which I would say is a defkectoo if the real problem.

Now this is where the above advice becomes more relevant.

If he's having issues that are affecting the home life and he's not prepared to share them with you so that you are either aware there's a problem or work together to resolve that problem then he's making things very bad for you and harder for himself to resolve.

You could go, " I feel something is troubling you that I don't know about, I would like to know please"

If he doesn't give you an adequate answer that is a start to change, with in week or two.

Do an attila

I feel for you OP. My DP has suffered with depression for years but won't use the coping strategies suggested by GP such as exercise and having a hobby . It was only counselling for me that made me realise I can't "fix" him.and that I shouldn't try. Only your DH can get himself out of it.
Do things that make you happy. Keep seeing your mum, go to a spa and go away with your parents if you wish. My DP resents every day I have off work and it sounds like yours may be the same. When you return to work look for another job you enjoy more and look after yourself .

Blimey - what a fun sucker he is.
I'd be packing for the holiday and leaving him at home.
Whether that is with DS or without is up to you.
But don't let him dictate and you lose out on a free holiday.
Fuck him.
It will be much more fun without him.
I'd tell him you can't keep this up. You can't live like this and you are going away with your parents to get some head space and think about what YOU want for the future.
Then go. Breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy some time away from the joyless prick.

Jesus this is like looking in a mirror except I'm the high earner and went back to work when ds was 7 mthd old. He still throws back that he paid for me, for a fucking month while I was looking after ds and buying us a home and arrnaging for and paying for all the painting etc. Also paying for me meant giving me 300 quid. Bit whoop.
Sorry that was a massive rant. I feel your pain. Go away with your parents, go find fun things for yourself that are free including playgroups etc.
I don't know anyone even those without kids who have loads of spare money eah month as everyone has bills, ivf costs for some friends, loans, mortgages. He's being a total knob. You know he is.
Regarding leaving. Don't stay for the money, I know it will be stupidly hard but if its your only reasons for staying then you should go.
Big hugs to you xx

You will get a financial settlement on divorce. You can also be looking for different work. He really is dragging you down, and I don't see any reason to expect him to change.

You say you can't live with this for the rest of your life, but unless you divorce him, it's your only option.

Unless you leave, nothing will change.

You have two options- 1. Leave, 2. Start to make changes yourself. You cant change him but you can change yourself. Presumably there are set cost that go through your joint account like rent/mortgage, utilities, council tax etc, and those that are variable like food and clothing for ds. Set out a budget for a latter and withdraw that in cash at the beginning of the month. Then there is no worrying about spending and no reason for him to be shitty. Get yourself a new exciting job. Get out with friends and be social. Friend cheap or free things to do. Start to improve your life and if he still wants to miserable well then let him but dont let it affect your life or your DS.

I have depression. I don’t act like him though. I take medication and do what I need to in order to stay as well as I can.
You can’t change him. It’s not up to you to make things work. If he won’t then you can’t.
Addiction? Is he still using?

Nothing will change if your selfish Dh isn't taking your valid concerns seriously
You can't change him only he can
No amount of wishing he was different will make him different
He moans and complains and wants to stop you firstly spending on essentials and wants to put a stop to a free holiday because what he wants is more selfishly important
You should be the judge of whether your parents are overbearing if they are then you devise a strategy to stand up to them if they encroach on your parenting
And both of you should sit down and go over the family budget/spending and perhaps suggest that your Dh can't afford the credit card!

And no medals for washing dishes unfortunately as adults just suck it up and then get to eat off clean plates as a reward!
Get yourself a weekly hobby: a well earned respite from the house and if he complains about sterile bottles point him in the direction of the steriliser

Just to add a different perspective here. Having to worry about money and whether you will run out before the end of the month is very stressful and can cause anxiety and this is likely to be adding to your DHs mood. You say you do have money for things but your DP is sick of having nothing left at the end so actually you don't have money for things. You need to start a monthly budget and stick to it, why do you need daily trips to the shop? Even the free holiday wont be 'free' there will be eating out, icecream, petrol etc.

"I want us to be together and happy again but he doesnt take it seriously when i say im unhappy, turns it around on me or blames it on circumstances and says ill get over it. His family have also suggested depression since DS was born"

His family of origin seem as bad as your H is frankly. The rotten apple that is your H did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his parents.

He is making the absolute minimal effort here and like many abusive people is adept at blaming all others except their own self.

Why do you want to be together?. Consider your reasoning behind this part of your above sentence very carefully because I very much doubt you have really been at all happy with him. I think he targeted you really because he saw something within you that he can, and has indeed exploited, to his own ends.

Financial reasons too are no reason to stay with such a person.

Hi OP. Just posting in solidarity, with

I'm in a very similar position to you, although we've been together for longer & our children are older. I've started my own thread, but maybe we can hand-hold.

Unfortunately if you are unwilling to leave him you're going to be miserable forever as I seriously doubt he can change his innate temperament

Thank you all for your messages. DH has agreed to go to the gp and has asked me to give him chance over this next week (hes off work). He says he didnt realise i was seriously thinking about leaving until i told him today that i was weighing up my options.
Im not naive enough to think all will be well but i do have to give him a fair chance to at least take action on some deep routed issues.
To those of you going through similar, im sorry to see you in the same boat and i hope you can work through it.
This might not work but i have to try