Frenemies

[Yeahsurewhatever]

I don't know what to do about my 'best' friend.
When things go wrong I can tell she's happy about it. Ive called her out on it twice and both times she ended up being the victim.
She has incredibly high expectations for how she should be treated in the relationship and my god will she tell me if I'm not up to scratch, but she certainly is far from keeping those standards with me, and I realised I'm actually a bit scared to address it because she's so confrontational, in general and any time I've tried.

I'm really confident and assertive in the rest of my life and I can't believe I just realised I'm a bit scared of my best friend.

She loves making passive aggressive digs and if she gets confident enough, some downright rude comments. I never feel the need to cause a huge argument over one comment and she refuses to see that combined they're just too much. If I try she will bring up something, usually out of context, that I maybe said several years ago, to justify the 10 rude things she's said to me that month.

Last week was the final straw for me, it was a minor comment but it was the last straw, I haven't spoken to her since and I'm debating blocking her number. But we've been friends for 20 years and it seems so silly to do. Especially when I have so few (almost no) other friends.
Obviously there are times that I enjoy her company and we have loads in common etc.

I guess my options are
Accept it and carry on.
Block her and end the friendship, with no explanation.
Or discuss it, face huge hours long confrontation, anxiety etc. And she's unlikely to change. Surely I'll just always feel the same way.
Or accept she is who she is, and just talk make small talk sometimes.

Oops didn't mean for that to be quite so long

She is not your friend because she uses you to make her feel better about herself. It's sad to think that 20 year friendships falter but they do if someone doesn't respect you. This is what you can focus on - 'we can't be friends because I feel you don't respect me and I'm hurt by that.' Don't allow her to gaslight you if you chose to discuss it - I always write my points down and go over them. But if she's been like that for 20 years - she's really not that fussed. You deserve better and use the time freed from your toxic 'friendship' to discover new places and people.

Stop giving her mental energy and focus it on developing some new potential friendships...

You haven't got a friend though as there is no respect from her side.

I have a 'friend' like this and rather than fall out and have more drama, I stepped back. I am still friendly but less available IYSWIM and just more "busy." No fallout, no drama and my disengaging means it cant be called out.

@lobsterkiller I would like to avoid that drama and confrontation and currently I am stepped back. But I'm going to have to break the silence then because it's her bday tomorrow. I can't just ignore that without making a big statement

It's still just me, trying to be nice to someone after they've been rude to me and then not spoken to me for a week.
I'm losing respect for myself! Never mind what she thinks.

Then do what you need to do and get out of dodge!

Shes relying on you being nice people like that do. My 'friend' knows what I'm doing and that I'm less available, her response was to ignore my birthday.

It was actually a relief, I've got all the confirmation I need.

You can do this!

I would send her a message saying you wish her well but you won’t be celebrating her birthday with her this year as you’ve decided to step back from the friendship. You share lots of happy memories, which you’ll be forever grateful for etc etc but there are aspects of your relationship that are unhealthy and that you no longer wish to tolerate.

Then do not engage with the drama. Head high and move on.

Time for a "divorce" from this "friend". People change and grow apart. Time to end it.

I got rid of a friend like this and honestly... I haven’t looked back.

Just because you’ve been friends for 29 years doesn’t mean you have to keep in contact with her.

Make that big statement and ignore her birthday, block her and move on

Birthday or not you aren't required to celebrate it with her. Buy her a card and a box of Celebrations and bloody well call it quits.
If she becomes confrontational tell her straight. Have a list of every nasty thing she's said in the last week, month, two months etc if you have to. A nice exact timeframe full of her nasty remarks would show her that her behaviour has been cruel and you have made the decision to avoid this from now on.

I used to end up in tears on the phone to my dad who was bloody vile to me. Made me feel like shit. It took a long time for me to realise that I was holding the phone to my ear. I had the power all along to stop it. I ended the calls and walked away. Every time.

But we've been friends for 20 years and it seems so silly to do.

It's not silly, it's necessary.

You deserve better treatment that this. You need to either address this with her or cut her out of your life. You've tried the former and it hasn't worked. She doesn't care. Time for you to stop caring too.

I would send her a happy birthday message and then leave it.
Become very busy and unavailable and let the friendship die off naturally.
Some friendships won’t stand the test of time.

Thanks. I'm annoyed at myself for being so weak about it. We have mutual friends so in conscious if I do it abruptly it'll come back as an issue through them.
Slowly is agonising though, she's tried to call me today
It's probably the right route though

You know you don't have to listen to her being confrontational. Put the phone down. Go home early. Walk away. Just refuse to engage if she kicks off.

I've dumped shit friends in the past and haven't regretted it. It doesn't sound as though you like her, so I don't imagine you'll miss her much!

And perhaps you don't have other friends because people don't like her? Without her you'll have room for people in your life who treat you with more respect.

I’d grin and bear it for her birthday celebration then be ‘busy’ forever after that.

If you make a big statement on her birthday she will turn it on you, and you will look bad to all your other friends.

I felt huge guilt for years after dropping a toxic friend though, so I may not be bad ass enough for MN

When a person in your life is like this, all you share is history, not friendship.

You say she's tried to call you.
If you like wish her a happy birthday but do as others here advise re pulling back.
Reply briefly.
Leave it longer to reply to her messages.

Refuse to be drawn into drama, and just be busy, busy, busy.

If you remain friendly but unavailable, she will get the message that your relationship is on the wain.

You don't have a friendship with her, you have history.

These are totally different things.

It is not good to spend time with people who constantly have a go.

I had a friend for years, whom I loved dearly, whom I'd put myself out for massively over the years. When things were good in her life, we were great, but when things in her life weren't great, she would pick at me.
I felt like a pin cushion with her little remarks.
My husband who really liked her for years, brought it to my attention when he noticed it, and just pointed out that she wasn't very nice, even though I was very good to her.

Slowly I became more aware of it and after a particularly bad session of zingers and criticisms I just pulled back so sharply.

She was very upset at our not being close anymore but something in me had just moved on and our relationship was over.

Protect yourself.
Best of luck.

It coincided with me having my first child. I think I just realised I need friends in my corner, not friends that would make me feel bad.

Had a friend like this from 2007. Last December she told me I have “a death spirit”, hence she is not a friend anymore. I haven’t done any explanation as you said yourself OP it will be pushed back on you again. I just blocked her everywhere. As PP said she just was using me for her self esteem and ego, as I always supported her. She was back in April and probably tried to call me and after no luck found me on WhatsApp. I ignored her and deleted all the messages. Sometimes I miss the time we spent together but I have had enough of being a mug. Life is too short to allow people to humiliate you like that.
My advice here would be to let her go, no explanation and talk needed. Obviously OP you should do as you think is right for you.
Good luck OP 🌹

What's a "death spirit?" @inexperiencedchick

@lobsterkiller She is religious and she meant I have a spirit in me which is not good. And my spirit my bring a death. At least that’s how I understood. Who knows maybe she meant something different, but I couldn’t care less anymore...

Flipping heck, that's awful.

Death spirit!

I've blocked her right now, but my bf and other friend said I'm being too extreme and should just move away from her a bit. To be honest I've done that at least 3 times already and it's not enough.
I'm not sure

@billy you're right about the history. It felt strange to move away but I think it's maybe like a breakup
You don't want it anymore, but you're sad for the nice times you did have

Well done OP