Pointlessness to everything after divorce

[Pointless2]

Ex moved out a year ago, and we have been divorced since the end of last year.

We are not on speaking terms as the divorce was awful, and in any case the second half and especially the last few years of our 22 years together were very difficult.

I divorced him due to his frequent very long silent treatments, his sometimes short temper, complete lack of care and affection, and his control of all large financial things. Broadly speaking. Not saying I was perfect in the relationship, but he was the one who made me walk on eggshells. I was, however, very attached to him, and we have 3 teenage dc.

My problem now though is that though I was very alone in the last few years of the marriage, I am now completely and desolately alone. The silence is awful. Tumbleweed. I live with the 3 dc, a lodger and 3 pets, but my partner (not a very good one I know) has gone.

There is a point to everything now because I am looking after the dc and working etc... When they leave home however, what will I do? I will have to sell the family home at some point, and then what?

I do miss my ex - the parts of him which I liked. I often now see views and other things that he would have liked, and they are not the same without him. The future without him also seems bleak.

I had no choice but to get divorced because things were so toxic, and apart from anything else I didn’t want the dc to be exposed to that anymore, but the separation has made me realise some things I could have done differently. It does make you realise the value of certain things.

I don’t want anyone else, because really I wanted my ex without the things I found very difficult. Am 50 anyway so that changes future prospects IMO. In any case I am just not interested.

Anyone relate to any of this ?

Are you depressed? Maybe you should see your gp?

I have to say I do worry about when the nest will be empty, as the dc have been my focus and motivation. My eldest is off to uni this year and it's going to be very strange without them.

But I feel like I have things I want to do, (like travelling and activism and other weird shit). And yes it would be sorta nice to be accompanied, but on the other hand, I want to do what I want to do and not have to take into account someone else all the time. Is there nothing that you want for yourself?

Hi OP,
It is only a year since your divorce and while you are not interested in a relationship but perhaps you could invest effort into your friendships - both male and female.

Your children will need you for a long time yet. Lots of people bounce back home after uni to save up. It's quite possible by the time all the children have left you are being asked to help with grandchildren.

Are there any hobbies you would love to do more of? You might not have time now but keep them in mind for when you do-it-yourself especially hobbies where you spend time with others.

I relate completely, I'm a bit behind you as h hasn't moved out or even got round to setting up a bank account (I'm keen for his salary as he earns 6x what I do so not encouraging him). But I'm struggling to work out where I fit. My DD's are older and one is leaving for university, the other has probably 2 years more here then what? I'm seriously considering whether to be super irresponsible and buy a small house outright with my share of the assets then disappear off with the remainder for a year or more traveling, maybe find some like minded women to travel with! (I have an ok relationship with h so hopefully he will manage my house as a rental for me). I feel I need to leave for a while - wish I could find someone to apply to Race across the world (bbc) with even

Is there nothing that you want for yourself?

Yes, but things that we might have been able to do together (though I was very alone in the relationship so maybe not!) no longer have the same meaning. Move to the countryside or sea, but I would have liked to do that with him. Same re. travelling.

Yes I guess the dc will need support for a long time. The youngest is only 13 so there are still some years to go .

The divorce was also horrible, and that makes it all worse.

Sorry you are going through the same stuck. Race across the world sounds great! And a year travelling.

Are there any hobbies you would love to do more of?

Yes, there are things I like. In the end it all feels a bit pointless without him to talk about to however .

If you're going to have to sell up, try turning it into a positive: moving somewhere pretty you've always liked / closer to family (or further away! ) / somewhere bijoux but characterful / buying a motor home and fucking off for a year / whatever appeals.

Yes good idea. I won’t have to for a long while, but it’s there. I guess this house is my link with my ex. Then there won’t be a link. Well the dc (!), but my ex doesn’t communicate with me at all so ...

It's early days yet from the divorce. He wasn't really that person you could share those things with happily - he was the man with the temper and silent treatment etc. You're grieving what could have been, which is totally understandable. Give yourself time.

If you spent years walking on eggshells with him, you've likely got into a strong habit of referring everything in your mind to how it would affect him and his moods. But it's just a habit, and although it's still got a hold on you it will pass and you will start to see the world in terms of how you feel. You'll want to do things because they make you happy, and you won't always be thinking of what he would think.

Give it time, this stage will pass. There's a lovely book called I Know I'm in There Somewhere, can't remember the author, it might help.

op what did you do before you were married - hobbies etc what did you love - mine was dancing - it saved me - well i think it did as im not completely out the other side yet - but for 6 months as the marriage ended and early stages of divorce i had something to do that was all for me - just me - not for kids or DH

im four years down the line - i have been through hell - my twins are off to uni this year and the family home will go - already sold thanks to a C88t of an X - ive had some huge decisions to deal with - ive had long term depression triggered to the point of needing MH services - but i have a future - bought a house in wales as could not afford near here and wasnt going to saddle myself with a mortgage or job that i may not be able to maintain - scary but when im there i feel free - i have interests i want to pursue - i joined meet up - there are loads of activities from book clubs to action packed weeks - there are lots of lonely people out there all looking to "connect" with someone for friendship - like you nothing more lonely than feeling alone in your marriage - i met someone at 50 still together - not been easy - we all have baggage -

we all realise we could have done things differently -some do anyway - but life is a continual learning curve - as long as you have done your best at the time that is all that can be asked of you - you deserve to be happy - we put our kids first and ourselves way behind - sadly for some there is not much support and its a hard slog - but you have 3 kids that you must be hugely proud of and you did that - now its time to start thinking of yourself which you are doing - scary can also be exciting - two sides of the same coin!

@Pointless2 I get how you feel - my separation and divorce from a 20 year marriage was very amicable which makes my current feelings seem even worse! Split up 4 years ago, divorce took about a year. He's getting married again this year. I don't see how he can move on so quickly - even though I've been dating someone for 2 years, i dont want to live with someone or get married ever again. Even though we grew apart, my marriage vows were a once in a lifetime thing (in my head anyway!) . I am turning into a bitter exwife and find myself wondering what I didn't see that she can see. Why couldn't I make him happy? Why didn't he make me happy? If I couldn't be happy with him surely I will never be happy with anyone.

I find it comes in waves - there are months on end when I'm fine then suddenly it all hits me and I feel pathetic and useless and very lonely. I know I will end up living and dying on my own with no-one except our children to mourn my passing. I don't have friends. I don't have hobbies except for one which I do with boyfriend which doesn't really involve socialising. I don't have money to do anything

You have been part of a couple for so long that you need to find YOU again - it will take time. Relearn what you enjoy, try different things, don't worry about doing something once and deciding its not for you! But don't use that as an excuse/reason not to try something.

I totally understand.
I have just spent the bank holiday feeling the same.alone.
It made me reassess my decision to divorce, even!
I have no idea what’s going to happen. Mine won’t get a solicitor as it’s going to cost him!
Although I’m divorcing for a peaceful life and have no intention of meeting/ looking for someone else, the thought of being 55 starting again, alone and unloved can be overwhelming. Still, the alternative was to stay in an abusive uncaring marriage that was destroying my soul. It’s a shame that the person we remember is not the one we divorced.
Try to concentrate on you. Now is our time, we have paid the price to have a happy & peaceful life. It’s normal to feel at a loss and to grieve for a life we have lost. Use that time to work out what you want from the future x
Love 💕 and hugs 🤗

Book marking

If you spent years walking on eggshells with him, you've likely got into a strong habit of referring everything in your mind to how it would affect him and his moods.

This!! I was the same after my first DH and I split up. But it definitely gets easier to see the point in doing things just for yourself again.

@Katenobody19 - thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think that's the best advice I've ever read on MN.

Bold fail 🙈 -- my first paragraph was just a copy from Katenobody19's awesome post.

i think this must be the book -www.<a class="break-all" href="https://amazon.co.uk/Know-Im-There-Somewhere-Authenticity/dp/1592400604?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-3598329-Pointlessness-to-everything-after-divorce" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">amazon.co.uk/Know-Im-There-Somewhere-Authenticity/dp/1592400604

ive just ordered - thanks for the mention -

i

Although I’m divorcing for a peaceful life

Yes this was also my motivation. Ex thought I did it for the house , and at one less antagonistic point, said that he hoped I would find what I was looking for.

It wasn’t like that, I was looking for peace and autonomy - knowing what was what financially, and having some say and control over it.

Thanks for the hugs and well wishes. Yes there are lots of us in the same situation, as well as people in unhappy marriages.

I am turning into a bitter ex wife - I am also worried that this is happening to me. My ex got together with someone else in two seconds flat I kid you not, and while we were forced to live in the same house for many horrible months. Not sure what has happened to this person as she doesn’t seem to have materialised. On the other hand she doesn’t seem to have materialised so who knows.

The confusion is made worse because he recently sort of and via the dc, asked me to join them on the holiday they have booked this summer (he is taking them away for a week). He did send me one very brief email about this, but when I asked him about it, how it would work etc.. in several messages, he didn’t answer. I said that I could consider it if I knew the parameters and if we could meet up to talk, but he ignored all of that. So I am not going and I don’t see how I could have given the fact that we haven’t spoken for almost three years. In October it will be three years.

Things like this weird holiday invitation make everything worse.

I have ordered the book Kate .

I know I will end up living and dying on my own with no-one except our children to mourn my passing.

I feel the same.

I meant to say on the other hand he is very secretive so who knows!

You're grieving what could have been

Yes.

as long as you have done your best at the time that is all that can be asked of you

Yes but some of it makes me cringe now. I guess I am definitely older and wiser.

On the bright side, as women usually outlive men, you won't have to nurse him through grumpy decrepitude and terminal illness, then die alone with just your dc to mourn you. (I know, I know, very bad taste).

I'm facing similar things, but so well shot of my ex, it always gives me a little joy not to wake up and face another day of uncertainty with him.

Thanks OP for posting. I posed a similar question on MN a while ago, but didn’t get much of a response. It was along the lines of ‘anyone regret getting divorced’. From reading your posts it seems like you don’t regret that you got divorced, you regret that the marriage didn’t work. DH and I haven’t separated, but we are talking about it. I know I will be devastated, but I’m not sure I can live like this for the rest of my life. I’m just worried that on the other side I will be consumed by bitterness and guilt, and that those feelings will be less controllable/manageable than the feelings of disappointment, sadness and frustration that I feel now. I truly feel like I’m a bird with clipped wings.

Yes that's the book, I really like it.

OP and others - it does get better! I'm 56, four years post-divorce - not a horrible one admittedly, but initiated by me and for similar reasons. Youngest DC is still with me but probs not for much longer. I still have the house but think I will sell to downsize and be mortgage-free. It's scary but the autonomy is amazing, and the chance to rediscover things I thought were past or beyond my reach. For me, OLD has been a revelation, I feel like a different person entirely. I'm not tied to one man and am free to explore. For others that may be education, art, sport, running, whatever, but for me the brakes came off when I had sex with a different man after so long with just one.

What I'm saying OP is that your brakes have seized and you're not yet moving forward. The trick is to find the thing that will release you.

I’m just worried that on the other side I will be consumed by bitterness and guilt, and that those feelings will be less controllable/manageable than the feelings of disappointment, sadness and frustration that I feel now.

I understand that completely. I do sometimes feel like I have gone from one shit situation to another - but at least in my case I no longer have to contend with some of the things I found so difficult.

What I would say is that if there is any way to make it work so that you are both happy and getting what you need, it is worth trying to save things, as getting divorced is not easy. All that familiarity and time. It also depends on what the reasons for the split are.

What I'm saying OP is that your brakes have seized and you're not yet moving forward. The trick is to find the thing that will release you.

Yes I know what you mean, but moving forward feels like the final break with ex, and in some ways it is easier to deal with the grief by preserving something (in my head!).