Pointlessness to everything after divorce

[Pointless2]

Ex moved out a year ago, and we have been divorced since the end of last year.

We are not on speaking terms as the divorce was awful, and in any case the second half and especially the last few years of our 22 years together were very difficult.

I divorced him due to his frequent very long silent treatments, his sometimes short temper, complete lack of care and affection, and his control of all large financial things. Broadly speaking. Not saying I was perfect in the relationship, but he was the one who made me walk on eggshells. I was, however, very attached to him, and we have 3 teenage dc.

My problem now though is that though I was very alone in the last few years of the marriage, I am now completely and desolately alone. The silence is awful. Tumbleweed. I live with the 3 dc, a lodger and 3 pets, but my partner (not a very good one I know) has gone.

There is a point to everything now because I am looking after the dc and working etc... When they leave home however, what will I do? I will have to sell the family home at some point, and then what?

I do miss my ex - the parts of him which I liked. I often now see views and other things that he would have liked, and they are not the same without him. The future without him also seems bleak.

I had no choice but to get divorced because things were so toxic, and apart from anything else I didn’t want the dc to be exposed to that anymore, but the separation has made me realise some things I could have done differently. It does make you realise the value of certain things.

I don’t want anyone else, because really I wanted my ex without the things I found very difficult. Am 50 anyway so that changes future prospects IMO. In any case I am just not interested.

Anyone relate to any of this ?

It’s a shame that the person we remember is not the one we divorced.

Yes I think this is part of it. Maybe we see things through rose tinted glasses. Or the good feelings were still there somewhere, buried beneath lots of hurt and resentment.

in some ways it is easier to deal with the grief by preserving something (in my head!).

It doesn't sound easier. This thread is proof that it's not easy!

You have to let go of the hope. Once you do, you get an initial wallop of pain and then you start to really, genuinely, heal.

You've stuck yourself and your marriage in the freezer and you're not boing forwards. Get it all out, let it thaw, bury it, and watch the sun come out.

@ pointless2. I felt exactly like you and it is one of the reasons I am giving it another go. But our reasons for splitting were mainly due to my unacceptable behaviour. I completely get the feeling of everything being pointless and not wanting anyone else. I felt like I’d never be happy again and unable to let go .....in fact I had a thread about it. It really sucks

You have to let go of the hope. Once you do, you get an initial wallop of pain and then you start to really, genuinely, heal.

I will try. Our divorce was so unpleasant however, and ex is so pissed off about the settlement, thinking I didn’t deserve my half, no doubt telling his entire family that and not explaining it properly, that it makes it very hard to move on.

@KOKOtiltomorrow, how is it working out, trying again? I am happy for you.

I have fantasies about trying again, but it seems unlikely, as apart from the weird semi invitation to go on holiday, ex does not speak to me at all. I send him logistical texts about the kids which he doesn’t answer.

And in our case, though I can now clearly see where I went wrong, and regret some of the things I did / said, the fundamental awful behaviour was his. And I am not at all sure that he really sees that apart from fleetingly, and would ever be different. I think he thought of the divorce as me being horrible to him and taking everything I could get that he considered to be his only.

But yes the fantasy would be that he is now different (which he may well be because despite the fact that he behaved the way he did for a long time, he never thought I would actually divorce him and was very shocked), and that we could re-build our relationship to be a much healthier and better one.

Have you had any counselling, OP? It would be a chance to get all of these thoughts out of your head and into the open air so you could look at them more closely.

I had some during the divorce and then stopped, partly due to the cost.

It is good idea though, as it’s hard to not feel continuously awful about my part in the whole thing.

You are still getting over the trauma of divorce, but no idea how the silence is so awful as you sound as if you have a house full.
Stop worrying about the future and take one day at a time, it will be a long time before your dc's leave home so enjoy them and spend what years you have left together making them happy times.
Mine are now just finishing uni so have been gone 4 years. I remember so vividly taking them up to uni and crying all the way home and for some weeks after. After 8 years I am still on my own, you get used to it, you have to, what other option is there. Financially things have been hard so whilst it is great to hear people suggest all the things you might do for yourself once you are on your own the reality is you need the funds to be able to do it.

I'm in a similar position op. I don't find myself wondering whether I did the right thing because he betrayed me horribly, so I know for sure that divorce was the only option.

But five years later and I still miss him terribly, want to share bad days and good experiences with him, want his advice on big issues, want to do all of the things we said we'd do together instead of by myself.

It doesn't help that he has moved on and remarried, so is presumably happy and looking forward to the future while I only see a bleak one for me.

I've tried everything suggested - counselling, hobbies, focusing on family and friends, widening my social circle, throwing myself into work but still feel like everything would have been better with him.

You’re right crimson - one day at a time, and it was traumatic!

The silence is more a feeling that though Lord knows ex paid me little attention in the last years we were together, I am now not considered by him at all. Like rubbish put in the bin and instantly replaced.

hellodarkness - But five years later and I still miss him terribly, want to share bad days and good experiences with him, want his advice on big issues, want to do all of the things we said we'd do together instead of by myself. I am sorry, it is really hard. And especially if your relationship was a good one but then interrupted by a betrayal.

To be quite honest why should he consider you at all now and actually be thankful that he has left you in peace. Mine tried to control me for years with financial threats, I took back control and ignored his texts and emails.
Try to think of all the positives in your life, write them down.
You are still in the family home, you have your dc's, a job etc. You are no longer subjected to his moods or demands, how liberating that must be.
I had an acrimonious divorce, dragged through court several times over the years as he also was very angry about the financial settlement. I actually had to self represent 5 times, one of those was the Final Hearing, all very daunting stuff and looking back I do not know how I survived it and it took over my life.
The family home had to be sold last year, which my son's found very difficult and we had to move away from their childhood friends. Only half an hour away but they do not have cars, we are no longer in a nice detached house and it feels as if the neighbours are on top of us.
I am fed up of saying it could be worse, to justify everything.
The truth of the matter what kept me going all the years is remembering anything is preferable to being stuck with my cheating ex who was no companion.
I have 2 great sons who I have always been there for and made sure when I moved that they would always have a home with me. Home is where mum is.
He seldom sees them, bought himself an expensive property down South, living the high life I think with his partner of a few years now. She is welcome to the boring man, there was nothing there to miss. I have only seen him a handful of times and all have been court appearances.
I start a new permanent job Monday after years of existing on the unpredictability of supply. I was getting to the stage of being worn down by endless interviews, being a woman of a certain age and always getting pipped to the post.
You will get there, one day at a time, just keeping one foot in front of the other.

To be quite honest why should he consider you at all now yes I know it’s not logical. I didn’t want to get divorced, but his protracted behaviour backed me into a corner, and to survive I had to do it. He then went round telling everyone that he didn’t want the divorce - yet how he explained his behaviour towards me in the context of apparently not wanting a split, God only knows. Or the fact that he immediately got together with someone else, judging by the very long and very loving sounding phone calls very late at night during the months we were forced to live together. Callous. I even once heard the words - and he was definitely setting something up with someone. Whether or not that is still going on, I have no idea.

What he probably meant was that he didn’t want an end to his then set up. Nothing to do with me.

And so the hurt from the relationship carries on and on.

It sounds like you have really been through the mill crimson. Then I feel guilty about things like that, because relatively speaking I have been very lucky. And sorry for ex because despite his awful behaviour towards me, he somehow trusted me not to divorce him . I know that that is all shades of twisted thinking.

Hurting him was not nice. But on the other hand he seemed to have no inkling how much his protracted silent treatments used to hurt me, or care, so...

I guess I don’t know how to forgive myself for my part in things.

And it wasn’t only his silent treatments. There were lots of other things.

It's not unusual - my ex was surprised and devastated that I ended things - but we'd gone over and over the same problems, the same pattern of behaviour and he never stopped, he just expected me to endure forever. You really have to let go of the guilt.

Yes. I guess the lesson to learn is that it is best not to get together with anyone, because if it all goes wrong the trauma never leaves you!!

(Maybe that’s not the lesson, but it’s my lesson anyway ).

You can choose to let your past dictate your future or you can make a conscious effort to move on . I didn't want to be one of those bitter ex wives who lets the past do that . OP , I was married longer than you and it is a lonely life living on your own . You haven't even got there yet with all those people in your house . It is different for everyone but I am a social person and I like men and I knew I didn't want to be alone . I have been lucky to meet a new man who literally worships me . I hope to have many years ahead of me and you know what , this is better than my marriage was . I did have some counselling and those few sessions helped . There is always another chapter in the book !

OP I really feel for you, you sound like a very caring and thoughtful person and your ex perhaps less so....
I think we grieve for what we thought we had, rather than the reality. I had begged and pleaded with mine to change his abusive (albeit intermittent ) behaviours. I told him that he was destroying our marriage, but I don't think he believed that I would actually divorce him,because he considered himself to be quite a catch.
I feel I had no option but to divorce given the situation. He thought I should just put up with it, because it suited him fine, he got what he wanted out of it and I honestly thing he didn't care that I didn’t, despite professing to others how much he loved me.
I think you would benefit from trying to appreciate rather than seeing the down side
When you feel alone - rejoice that you can do what you want
Enjoy your busy household now, rather than worry they will leave one day
Every time you miss your ex,remember why you left
Even with limited funds it's possible to get more out of life. Look at the sunset, sunrise, the moon,trees coming to life, join the library, a volunteer group, rambling group, I haven’t tried meet up but it may work for you.
It's normal to have regrets, but observe them and let them go, rather than dwelling on them.
Even now I feel stabs of pain-I heard yesterday that my ex had done an activity with his new woman that he and I did in the early days and I felt quite odd that he was repeating a bit of our life with her...but do not want him back,just regret it didn't work.
You do have a meaningful future, it's just going to be going through the motions for a while until you reach it.Talk to friends and take all the help that you can.

hellodarkness I am currently in the same situation .And struggling with the idea of divorce. Huge betrayal that I can't seem to get over. Counselling seemed to suggest that I could decide to forgive and stay.
Do you regret not staying? Or are you satisfied that you could not stay ? I fear I will be sorry that I end up bitter and alone too. Even though I do alone quite well.
Sorry if highjacking ..

It would be great to hear an update from any of the people on this thread; for those of us who are potentially in the same boat...

I completely understand.

In our case we'd never been apart a single day for years.
We used to be able to talk about anything and he'd be the first person I'd think to share with.

It's hard to reconcile that in my mind with what he ended up becoming. A cognitive dissonance so to speak.

Near the end, it was contempt, silent treatment, too wrapped up in his fantasy online life. I made a list of the rotten things he had done to read when my mind went to being completely alone and thinking about how we were.
It's been 3 years since I've seen him. We didn't have DC together and finally I don't think of him daily. I really am alone as in my family and DC live overseas.

Reading the list helped me knock him off the pedestal I had him on that focused on what he used to be rather than what he is now.
I've slowly replaced that relationship with girl buddies or in reality are much more fun and reliable to talk to and do things with.

I'm 60 and really not interested in another relationship. The risk of bad to mediocre sex has zero appeal.

So a long winded way of saying it can take a lot of time.

ugh just realised zombie thread

Hi!

This thread popped up in my threads I’m on page and at first I couldn’t understand why - until I realised it’s my old thread!

So I have changed my username back and in answer to the question you asked the posters @Wish44 , I am doing much better.

In some ways I feel I have shut a lot of myself off - life has moved on generally and I have become more cynical and apathetic I suppose - which is not great - but as regards my ex, I don’t feel or think the same way at all. In fact I was re-reading what I had written and couldn’t really relate to the feelings.

So I completely agree @emptythelitterbox that it can take a lot of time.

Thank you for the update. And I am glad that time has been a great healer.

The end of relationships is heartbreaking. I am gutted that I will probably have to go through it .

I am sorry @Wish44, that sounds really tough. I remember that feeling and I put my own separation off for a long time partly because of it.

If you want to tell us more (either here or in a new thread (probably better as you will get more people contributing)) please do .

@Pointless2 @Wish44 my ex is still happily married, my 3 adult kids are still awesome. I was still in a relationship with the same guy I was in 2019 but he died very suddenly early last month. I'm grieving far more for him than I did the end of my marriage. Definitely never going to be in a relationship again as it hurts too much when it ends. Going to be a mad cat or dog lady, taking in rescues and talking to myself .