I need to understand and heal - any advice?

[AgathaP]

Grateful for any advice please.
Having been widowed years ago (when my children were very young) I haven’t attempted a new relationship till recently. I wasn’t looking to meet someone, it just happened. He emailed me about work, we started chatting, began to WhatsApp and seemed to get on really well. He is divorced due to his wife’s adultery (although obviously I only have his word for this) We met up and had an apparently lovely day together and at the end we kissed. Later that evening he texted to tell me what a great day it had been. However, when I spoke to him the next day, he sounded angry and talked about his ex-wife a lot. He was distant and withdrawn.
Since then things have been really miserable. He told me he had mental health issues and thought it might be better if we were just friends - on his terms. I wasn’t happy with this and tried to end things nicely. He contacted me and seemed very keen to stay friends - saying that talking to me helped him. In the last month, I have tried to end this 6 times and every time he has pleaded to stay friends. Yesterday I reached my limit with it and blocked him on my phone. I was experiencing symptoms of anxiety and knew it was time to stop - my peace of mind was hard won after the death of my husband and I am not prepared to sacrifice it anymore than I already have.
I would like to try to understand what happened - for future reference as much as anything. His reasoning seemed to be that we quickly felt too intensely about each other and that made him feel scared - so a friendship on his terms (ie he set limits on the frequency of our contact with each other) was all he could handle in the context of his mental health issues and previous relationship history - otherwise, he felt “out of control and overwhelmed”
Was this just a line? I found it really tricky to try to be friends without any spontaneity and with the feeling that my actions were causing him mental distress. I felt too responsible for his wellbeing.
Grateful for your thoughts - this has been a miserable time really.

I'm so sorry, without any other information I'd be inclined to believe him, why not? Also for myself I wouldn't be thinking to move straight from a marriage to another serious relationship. Anyway good luck with it, sounds frustrating.

Sounds like it's detrimental to his MH to get involved and he's probably not lying about that.

You've stepped aside gracefully though, you're not his nursemaid, you have yourself to think of. Time will heal.

You're probably disappointed that it was such hard work after a promising start

I don’t think you could have done anything more, he sounds like he’s all over the place, and although friendship is about talking and listening you’re not his therapist.
It sounds to me that you’ve learned to value yourself and recognise where relationships are not healthy. I think chalk it up to experience and move on.

(And I’m sorry it’s been miserable, making yourself vulnerable is really hard.)

At the beginning, he was very intense - contacting me several times a day. Now he wants me to phone him “from time to time to chat” - I (probably due to my own insecurities) took that to mean that he wasn’t interested and repeatedly wished him well and said goodbye - his response has then been to contact me and insist we remain friends. I didn’t want a serious relationship but this feels really confusing.

What's confusing?
He finds it comforting and pleasant to have you in his life but he doesn't want to make any reciprocal effort or communicate on any terms other than his. This may be because of his mental health, or because he's selfish, or both.
This isn't a good friendship for you. Sometimes these messaging type relationships spring up very intensely and quickly but they burn out. That's ok! Don't feel bad about it.

It honestly sounds like he does like you but has got his head in a muddle about seeing someone again and is trying to use conditions to impose 'order' on it.

Very confusing for you, try to step away from it for now. He needs to sort himself out.

Walk away. You've a right to find unconditional happiness again after the death of your husband. This man cannot "insist" you remain friends.

I'm also a widow and doing my own thing with relationships - I relate entirely to not wanting anything serious. I would definitely take him at face value - he sounds as if he has barely processed his own pain and was blindsided by any feeling of intimacy. The good news is that this showed up so early - him absolutely unable to deal with the situation. Possibly he's never had a female friend before? The other good thing is that you've taken action when it was upsetting you.

You might still find a bit of therapy helpful yourself? Navigating these waters is not easy x

Frownette - that is how it feels to me too. He seems to like me but needs to control things to impose some order on it. It is sad - he is just not ready.

Thanks - describing it and reading your replies is helping - it is hard not to feel hurt and confused. This is helping to balance things in my mind.

he sounds horrible and i am genuinely puzzled at some of the previous responses.

cold, distant, angry, insistent on friendship....

block him and dont look back. hes not a nice man.

He is planning to use you as a free counsellor. When you refuse this role he is getting angry.

You are right to block this man. He will suck the life out of you for his own ends only. He has not the tiniest interest in you as a person.

TemporaryPermanent thanks for your thoughts - being a widow is very tough, isn’t it? He does seem to be really struggling with his own pain and the feeling of intimacy. He did tell me that, before his marriage, he was very promiscuous (and now sees that as wrong) so I suspect he hasn’t had a female friend before. Nevertheless, I need to protect myself.

I see this in quite a different way to others.

A person who genuinely had realised he wasn't ready for a relationship would recognise that the other party may well not want a friendship, and would respect that.

They would also not attempt to impose controlling terms on that other person. At the very least, as well as MH problems, he is also selfish.

But he's following a well-known toxic script - the blowing hot and cold, keeping the OP confused. Not accepting her decision to end things completely.

This was a pure push for control, and for putting the OP on the back-burner when he thought he had her hooked - well done OP for not accepting his breadcrumbs.

Dana Morningstar often says that confusion is a first warning sign of an abuser - because we try to find ways to explain their behaviour that do not involve the real underlying reason - a bid for control and for making their target feel 'less than'.

Even if it does turn out that this man is 'only' a timid woodland creature who has to be tempted and nurtured whilst simultaneously not scared off - I presume that is not the sort of partner you would want, OP. His actions on the date are not him, they were him wearing hid 'date mask'. This is him.

There will be nicer men out there.

I'd bet he's still on the dating site, despite having 'realised' he is not ready. He'll find some poor unboundaried woman who will put up with his crap and he will lead her a merry dance for years. Be glad it isn't you, OP.

You are not his counsellor and you haven't done anything wrong so you are right to move on . Some people are just "takers" and he certainly sounds like that . Maybe you glimpsed that you could move on and be happy with someone else and are disappointed about what happened. That's only natural . You are doing the right thing.

He sounds bloody awful and you’ve had a lucky escape. The fact you’ve tried to end things six times, and he won’t listen to you, is a massive red flag. Who the heck gets to control a relationship by dictating how often you contact him?
You’ve done the right thing, block him and do not let him back into your life.

This thread is like the inside of my head - is he a toxic controller or a hurt individual who is struggling with his MH? This is the confusion I have experienced - and the reason I felt I needed to block him.

He could well be both, but ultimately it doesn't matter. He was not in a position to offer you what you wanted and deserved, and you have sensibly stepped away. You can't know what was going on in his head but I definitely think you have dodged a bullet. A good relationship should be easy and straightforward.

Does it matter?

Don’t analyse it too much. He’s told you what the problem is. Accept it or don’t but it doesn’t sound like he can offer you what you want so I would leave it.

He is a toxic controller. Trust your instincts.

He is dictating how and when you call him and the speed this ‘friendship’ continues. That’s not kind or healthy.

You don’t need this bullshit. Let him complain when you call time on it.

Your not his councillor or play thing when he needs company.

He is planning to use you as a free counsellor. When you refuse this role he is getting angry

Absolutely this ^. You are right to keep away.

You did well to block him. He sounds toxic.

Am surprised at the sympathy he’s eliciting from some posters. He sounds a headfuck and best avoided.

Your instinct to protect yourself is spot on

his response has then been to contact me and insist we remain friends.
How can he, or anyone, "insist" on being friends? Isn't friendship supposed to be the free choice of both parties?

You have for your own sake, quite rightly, tried to end things six times and he's refusing to accept your decision - what does that say to you?

He is either not ready for a proper, equal, loving relationship (and needs to seek professional counselling - not just a sympathetic ear - before becoming involved with someone else) or he is just being selfish and/or manipulative. Neither of those scenarios sound great to me.