I need to understand and heal - any advice?

[AgathaP]

Grateful for any advice please.
Having been widowed years ago (when my children were very young) I haven’t attempted a new relationship till recently. I wasn’t looking to meet someone, it just happened. He emailed me about work, we started chatting, began to WhatsApp and seemed to get on really well. He is divorced due to his wife’s adultery (although obviously I only have his word for this) We met up and had an apparently lovely day together and at the end we kissed. Later that evening he texted to tell me what a great day it had been. However, when I spoke to him the next day, he sounded angry and talked about his ex-wife a lot. He was distant and withdrawn.
Since then things have been really miserable. He told me he had mental health issues and thought it might be better if we were just friends - on his terms. I wasn’t happy with this and tried to end things nicely. He contacted me and seemed very keen to stay friends - saying that talking to me helped him. In the last month, I have tried to end this 6 times and every time he has pleaded to stay friends. Yesterday I reached my limit with it and blocked him on my phone. I was experiencing symptoms of anxiety and knew it was time to stop - my peace of mind was hard won after the death of my husband and I am not prepared to sacrifice it anymore than I already have.
I would like to try to understand what happened - for future reference as much as anything. His reasoning seemed to be that we quickly felt too intensely about each other and that made him feel scared - so a friendship on his terms (ie he set limits on the frequency of our contact with each other) was all he could handle in the context of his mental health issues and previous relationship history - otherwise, he felt “out of control and overwhelmed”
Was this just a line? I found it really tricky to try to be friends without any spontaneity and with the feeling that my actions were causing him mental distress. I felt too responsible for his wellbeing.
Grateful for your thoughts - this has been a miserable time really.

This thread is like the inside of my head - is he a toxic controller or a hurt individual who is struggling with his MH? This is the confusion I have experienced - and the reason I felt I needed to block him.

Ultimately it absolutely does not matter if he is one or the other - the outcome is the same, he wants to communicate entirely on his terms and pick you up and drop you at his will. This is not healthy for you and would be (and already has been) detrimental to your mental health and anxiety levels.

You've done the right thing and you should absolutely applaud yourself that at a time you are emotionally vulnerable you've not only recognised behaviour that makes you uncomfortable, you've followed through and taken action to keep yourself well.

You've done brilliantly - onwards and upwards x

ive never known this mysterious mental health condition where you meet someone once then insist they are your friends- on your terms only- and when you try to get away they wont let you...

it sounds miserable because it is miserable. please put him behind you...

I would try to stop looking for answers. Unnecessary. He has proved himself quite unreliable, it doesn't sound as if he is capable of having a healthy relationship. Not your problem, his.
You have already been through alot, and deserve better.

Thanks so much for replying today - it has really helped to strengthen my resolve. A bit of distance is already helping me to feel calmer. I need to look at my part in all of this - I am too ready to listen to tales of woe and try to help and I can see that now. A friend suggested internet dating but I actually feel I need to focus on myself for a while. Thanks again.