I don't think he loves me anymore

[missmartini]

DP and I have been together 3 years, lived together 1 (my house) and I have 2DC from a previous relationship.

I just get the horrible horrible feeling he's going to leave me any day now. We haven't had sex for almost 6 weeks - I've tried to initiate (lots) he says he's not in the mood, he hasn't told me he loves me in over a month (I say it he either mumbles something back or if I text it he doesn't reply but will later with something like "what's for dinner?") He's never been very physically affectionate but it's been lately like even a hug is a complete hassle and barely ever happens anymore unless I ask and even then more often than not he's busy or I'm annoying for asking.

He was away on a business trip for a few days there (this involved going away with members of my family) and we text every day, he called to talk to the kids and when I came home tonight I was so excited to see him and I got a half cuddle, barely spoke, he spent the whole night on his phone which I called him out on (he was leaving reviews of places he'd been on trip advisor...I checked and he had).

He was in the bathroom I went to bed and he said night I turned to give him a hug and he walked away...he then laughed and said "oh did you come for a hug there?" I replied "well yeah" and he said "just realised I turned away" then just walked downstairs and left me there.

I feel so alone, I feel gutted that I can't keep him in love with me.

I could do with losing a stone and attempting to tone my mummy tummy. My skin has always been a mess. I don't have much sense of style or particularly good at make up etc....but I have always been like that since I met him.

I don't suspect cheating in anyway - we both work full time, if he's out (which isn't that often maybe once a month) with his friends I know them all, they're all married/ engaged and know members of my extended family that I'm close with. If anything happened I'd know about it. Same with on this trip he was away with some family members I'm close with and shared an apartment with a close family member so I know nothing has happened. It just feels like he just isn't attracted to me anymore.

I just want him to look at me the way he used to or give me a cuddle without me asking for one. I can't remember the last time we had a proper kiss. I want him to love me as much as I love him.

Sorry for the long post. It's getting me down so much I can't sleep.

Oh OP I feel for you, I’ve been there before

It’s so lonely. But honestly, bread crumbs are worse than nothing at all. You need to ask him outright if he’s happy - give him the opportunity to tell you whether he is/isn’t. If he isn’t then you can speak about what needs changing. But your feelings counts just as much as his and you deserve somebody who makes you feel attractive and loved.

Thank you for replying.

We have a child free night tomorrow, I'll ask him then. I guess I'm just terrified of the answer. The kids love him to bits and so do I. Nothing has changed with his effort with the kids (considering they're not his) he does loads for them which I guess just makes me worry more that it's all down to me that's driving him away in some way.

You’re not driving him away. He sounds mean. Being so cold.

I’m surprised you have been able to put up with this for so long! Poor you, this would drive me batshit!

Have it out with him tomorrow x

Yep
Take a deep breath, shoulders back, and in as measured tone as you can manage, ask if he's happy.

If he says yes, then it's on to phase two- telling him that you've noticed a change in his behaviour, and it is starting to make you feel uncared for.

Good luck....

Thank you all for your replies.

He does some lovey stuff too, he cooks us dinners from scratch every night. Before he left he bought me a bottle of my favourite wine, some goodies for the house that I wouldn't have bought for myself. He brought us all back a present from his trip.

I appreciate those things I really do...but all I want is just a cuddle. A smile and a kiss when I come in from work would mean the world more.

I don't know if he got me those things out of guilt cause he knows he hasn't been affectionate of late. I don't want to seem unappreciative of the things he does do.

Unless you ask you won't know what's behind this. You're blaming yourself, saying you need to change how you look, but maybe he has stress you don't know about.

Rather than tell him the problem and tell him it's you, why not say you need to chat. Remind him of what you had - excitement and regular sex - and ask if anything is on his mind. Then listen to him fully, encourage him to be completely honest.

I do hope you can sort out what's going on and work it all out.
I hope you get a lovely hug too.

It’s all good and well That he does all that OP but do you really want to live the rest of your life feeling like this, without any affection?

I never thought of it from that way @Chocmallows

I just assumed it had to be me.

I'll ask him tomorrow night and I'll see if there's anything he wants to talk about.

@RRJR no I don't. I guess I'm just hoping there's an underlying issue now that we can get through and hopefully get things back on track.

I miss him loads feels like he's getting further from me yet he's lying here right next to me fast asleep while I'm up worried.

You can only find out by asking
A few years ago DP became extremely distant. Affection stopped, sex stopped, I knew something had changed. He wasn’t nasty but he wasn’t loving anymore. This went on for months because I was too scared to ask the question Incase I didn’t like the answer. I remember how lonely and desperately sad I felt back then

It turned out he wasn’t happy. We broke up. 9 months later we got back together - cut a long story short he realised he was depressed and stopped enjoying most things in life. He worked through his issues and we are better than ever.

But looking back I now realise that no matter what I did/didn’t do it wouldn’t have changed anything as the problem lay with him. I’d fall asleep crying because although he was right next to me I had never felt further from him.
Although I was heartbroken when we broke up I weirdly felt relieved (I didn’t expect this) because the anxiety suddenly went - yes I was gutted we’d broken up but I knew where I stood.

Speak to him asap. If he isn’t happy you might still have a chance to work things out

There could be a number of reasons for this:
He's banging someone else (LOL @ he can't - he's at work 8 hours a day right?)
He's suffering something physical that may cause ED (e.g. high blood pressure, diabetes) so is nervous about getting into any physical intimacy
Something is going on in his life which is causing major anxiety - think fear of bankruptcy or being done for massive gambling debts

You need to find out. Sooner rather than later because any debts are going to bite you in the bum in a divorce.

You two might have a different love languages from one another. If you google love languages, his seems to be gifts, yours physical touch. He is saying that he loves you with his gifts, but to you it doesn't mean anything as your love language is cuddles etc.

Once you both feel loved again, hopefully the sex will work too.

@RRJR this is exactly how I feel, I'll talk to him tonight. Thanks for sharing your experience and I'm so glad it all worked out well for you.

@FuriousVexation he's at work at least 6 of those 8 hours a day. We're both teachers. It would be unlikely that he would be able to fit anything in around that with our set up - My DM watches my DC at the house - she comes at 8 when we both leave and she leaves when whoever gets back first usually DP by 20 mins or so and he starts homework and dinner. I've been cheated on before with exH and this is a totally different type of distant. I will ask tonight - I never considered anything that impacted ED.

@ReturnfromtheStars I've never heard of love languages before I'll look into that today.

Thank you all for your replies.

You’re doing the right thing in talking to him. It’s better to know what’s going through his head rather than guessing.

I think you start to see the real “them” after 3-4 years. Anything before then tends to be a best projection, Disney version.
What you do now is up to you but, don’t bark, bite if you’re unhappy

He may be depressed. You need to talk.

Thanks everyone. Selfishly, I never considered that it could be anything like depression. He's had little spells before where he's said before he goes through "peaks and troughs" but I just assumed that was normal day to day life. This time it feels different. I guess last night just really upset me as I hadn't seen him in 4 days I was expecting at least some show of emotion that he had missed me as much as I had missed him.

I guess I may be suffering from some self esteem issues also by only thinking that I was or could be the problem and making myself a bit paranoid and I dare say I come across as really needy as well.

If it does end in the worst then I'll cope, I have to for the kids. Now to try and get through a day at work without worrying about this conversation tonight.

That’s the thing depression can present itself in many ways. Does he still take part in any of his hobbies? Does he see friends? Is he stressed?

Good luck with the chat I hope it goes okay

He plays golf so the season will be starting again soon when the weather gets better. He's been a couple times with my brother over the past month. He's become a bit obsessive over his weight recently - there's barely a pick on him but this seems to be a new obsession which I've been a bit worried about.

He has some issues with his own family - he finds it hard to talk. He really does keep himself to himself he's not one to volunteer to talk over his feelings and emotions. My standing joke is always he's a bit like Sheldon from the Big Bang. I've always maybe suspected a hint of Aspergers but I'm not that up on it in how it presents in adults.

He was in the bathroom I went to bed and he said night I turned to give him a hug and he walked away...he then laughed and said "oh did you come for a hug there?" I replied "well yeah" and he said "just realised I turned away" then just walked downstairs and left me there

I was all prepared to write him off as probably seeing someone else, detaching and preparing to exit. But the above caused me to think it's worse than that - he's doing this intentionally to undermine your self esteem. Does he ever do or say other things that make you feel crazy, paranoid, inferior to him and/or other women?

Do you own or rent your home in your sole name? If so, kick him out. Your kids don't love him, you love him, they only love you. He's just "some bloke mum's got living in our house."

OP, about the weight thing. My husband suffers from depression and his new obsession is he doesn't have clothes to wear and that he is too thin and can't bear anyone seeing him like this. He didn't give a damn about either issue before. He takes meds for depression and anxiety, and goes regularly to his psychologist and psychiatrist. When I read your update it rang a bell immediately.

@PicsInRed everything is in my name. He's never done anything to undermine me, make me feel inferior, he's never said an unkind thing or anything against me. When that happened last night it was awkward if that makes sense. He kind of laughed it off and I just stood there and I think he panicked and walked away cause of that. He was a family friend so has known my kids since they were babies and I'm sorry but they do have a relationship with him. He takes my oldest to football every week, my youngest swimming, bakes and cooks with them, spoils them rotten with his time. None of that has changed he's just changed towards me in that he's been more distant - not nasty not condescending just distant. He's more than "some bloke has mum living in the house" he's been a great stability in their life.

Thanks @SVRT19674 I'll keep this in mind when I talk to him tonight.

I don't think you need to ask him if he's unhappy, he clearly is. I think you need to be brave and ask what he is unhappy with at the moment because he clearly is. I'm sorry to say it but it's obviously crossing your mind, perhaps he is just not feeling physically attracted to you at present for whatever reason? And doesn't want to say that (who would to someone they love) if this was the case, you need to know if it's something that can be worked on (together) or if the spark is gone... Hard conversations to have but great relationships need transparemcy.

You're right @Onemansoapopera

I'm not home till after 7 tonight with staff meetings and other work but when I am I'll just take a breath and do what needs to be done. If it's bad news it's bad news and I'll deal with it. If it's something that can be worked on then I'll make sure I try my hardest and then I can say I put my all in and if it doesn't work I won't be guilty about it.

Ironically although I will be devastated if this is the end, I've been on my own before with the kids and working full time and I was happy then I will be again if things work out that way.