I don't think he loves me anymore

[missmartini]

DP and I have been together 3 years, lived together 1 (my house) and I have 2DC from a previous relationship.

I just get the horrible horrible feeling he's going to leave me any day now. We haven't had sex for almost 6 weeks - I've tried to initiate (lots) he says he's not in the mood, he hasn't told me he loves me in over a month (I say it he either mumbles something back or if I text it he doesn't reply but will later with something like "what's for dinner?") He's never been very physically affectionate but it's been lately like even a hug is a complete hassle and barely ever happens anymore unless I ask and even then more often than not he's busy or I'm annoying for asking.

He was away on a business trip for a few days there (this involved going away with members of my family) and we text every day, he called to talk to the kids and when I came home tonight I was so excited to see him and I got a half cuddle, barely spoke, he spent the whole night on his phone which I called him out on (he was leaving reviews of places he'd been on trip advisor...I checked and he had).

He was in the bathroom I went to bed and he said night I turned to give him a hug and he walked away...he then laughed and said "oh did you come for a hug there?" I replied "well yeah" and he said "just realised I turned away" then just walked downstairs and left me there.

I feel so alone, I feel gutted that I can't keep him in love with me.

I could do with losing a stone and attempting to tone my mummy tummy. My skin has always been a mess. I don't have much sense of style or particularly good at make up etc....but I have always been like that since I met him.

I don't suspect cheating in anyway - we both work full time, if he's out (which isn't that often maybe once a month) with his friends I know them all, they're all married/ engaged and know members of my extended family that I'm close with. If anything happened I'd know about it. Same with on this trip he was away with some family members I'm close with and shared an apartment with a close family member so I know nothing has happened. It just feels like he just isn't attracted to me anymore.

I just want him to look at me the way he used to or give me a cuddle without me asking for one. I can't remember the last time we had a proper kiss. I want him to love me as much as I love him.

Sorry for the long post. It's getting me down so much I can't sleep.

You need to ask him if he knows why he’s unhappy. And you need to tell him straight out that you are unhappy. That you are lonely, and that you don’t want things to continue as they are.

Hope everything works out ok 💐

Hope you get through this together.

Well....I came home tonight (child free night) the table was all set fancy and he'd cooked a lovely dinner. I burst into tears and told him that I appreciated it I do and I got to "but..." and he cried too and said "all you want it this..." and he came up and gave me a massive hug and a kiss.

He apologised for everything last night and for the last while. He says he's been feeling so low lately but didn't want to say because he didn't know how. He's been to the gp (I had no idea he was there), he has been given a line for 2 weeks for work related stress...he's been leaving in the morning as normal and pretty much been walking a local park, spending time at his mums when she’s been at work etc. Again, everything I had no idea about. The line is up this Friday where he is going back and will be assessed for depression. I asked if he was actually away with work at the weekend and he said yes, it was a team building thing so he technically wasn't under work obligation to go so he went thinking it would make him feel better. He did the activities and back to the apartment after. He said I can check with my family member and he will understand that I need that reassurance.

He said he has been feeling so low about himself and he didn't know what to do. He didn't want to talk to me about it as he said he sees that as a weakness in himself. He's been feeling so unsure of himself, so low and knew he had been lying that he distanced himself because he couldn't speak to me without feeling like he was a failure. I asked I was that reason for lack of any physical contact and his response was along the lines of (can’t remember word for word my head is spinning) why would I want to touch a loser like him. He knew I was lying awake last night...he was too and knew it had to come to light tonight when the kids were away after the issue with the cuddle last night. He said he came downstairs and walked the length of the house over and over wanting to tell me then but he just couldn’t walk back up the stairs after leaving me in the way he did.

I asked about the weird diet thing and he said that he read that he had to take control of something in his life to make him feel positive about himself so he used calorie counting as his way. He promised me he hasn’t been making himself sick or under- eating he says he’s been on a target on my fitness pal I didn’t ask what the target was. I will though.

He told me he loved me, wanted to be with me and couldn't imagine life without me and the kids.

I've came upstairs for a bit to process it all. He asked me if I was mad at him. I told him no but I just needed time to go over everything in my head and I’d go for a shower and then we can talk again. I want to support him but as a previous poster said I know he can only support himself through this and he needs to want to get better. I’ll offer to come to his next gp appointment to support him but I know it may be more beneficial for him to do this alone. I don’t understand why he felt he couldn’t tell me but I know from his upbringing that from a young age he had to take on “the man of the house” role for his mum and younger sister after an abusive father left. I guess he has always seen himself in that role and can’t cope with not being able to cope I guess.

I’m just so happy for both of us that everything is out in the open now. We have a long road ahead. I know we are a strong couple and we will work as hard as we can to pull through. I’m also not naive enough to know that it might not last and for the sake of both of us we might be better to go our separate ways. I don’t want to say this to him yet but I’m sure it will present itself in the next few weeks/ months in either form.

So glad he’s opened up to you and that you now know what the issue is. Your mind must be swimming.

I know from his upbringing that from a young age he had to take on “the man of the house” role for his mum and younger sister after an abusive father left. I guess he has always seen himself in that role and can’t cope with not being able to cope I guess.

You are so right here. He’s felt he has to cope with everything and he shouldn’t be burdening anyone, so it’s important you tell him again that you’re so glad he’s told you. Also his father was abusive, so who knows what he witnessed or was subjected to as a child.

Would he go to counselling?

@LizzieSiddal I'm just out the shower and will definitely tell him how grateful I am he's shared what he has done.

I used to joke he was a bit like sheldon from Big Bang that he couldn't express or show any emotion that if anything I'm completely thrown by just how honest he's been and I know how much he's put himself out there for me tonight. I wasn't expecting this though and as supportive and positive as I want to be for him it really is a lot thrown at me when I was thinking he was going to break up with me cause he didn't love me anymore.

I know this is not about me though...my last comment was a bit "me me me" I didn't means that. My heads just a bit all over right now.

Don’t worry about a “me me me” post, you’ve had a huge amount to take in, you’ve got every right to take some time to process.

That's so good that your partner has opened up to you. As you say, you've got a lot to process here. Poor man, he has been suffering, and inadvertently shut you out to deal with it. You're both teachers - presumably you can handle the stress of teaching, but he is having difficulty. I think teaching, which used to be one of the most rewarding jobs has been corrupted into one of the worst, due to the Government tinkering which places unimaginable stress on some teachers with a sensitive personality. Ironically you need that sensitivity to be a brilliant teacher. You both have my sympathy, I hope you manage to work through it. Thankfully you now know the full facts, he loves you and can't imagine life without you. I hope you manage to find a way through this OP.

So glad he’s opened up to you!

So glad you are talking together. You both need to actively keep the talking and listening going and stop bottling up worries .
Good luck

OP, I was coming here to say that, in addition to the PP's good advice about how to handle things with him, it's ok for you to also take steps to feel like you're looking after yourself/feeling better about yourself. If you feel like you want to lose weight and/or tone up then by all means take steps to do that and think of it as self-care, for you.

Thank you for the replies and the messages of support.

I honestly don't think there is an affair I seen a broken man in front of me last night that I've never seen before and I honestly think if there was anymore to come out then it would have during our chat. Obviously if I'm wrong then it will come to light and if there is an affair then it will be the end. I really don't think so though.

Came home today and he looked visibly like the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders. He's still quiet, sheepish and things. I don't expect anything to change over night. It will be a long process but the main thing is we both have the support of each other. We've agreed that when the kids go to bed at night we'll have a proper chat about our days and generally make more time just to be together.

Work for both of us is hugely time consuming and stressful. Teaching isn't what it used to be and unfortunately the illusion is this 9-3 job with great holidays. The reality is both of us sitting at the table once the kids are in bed with jotters, planning, report cards, conferences, meeting agendas/ minutes, interventions for pupils etc. It can be 10pm some nights before we stop and it's time for bed to do it all over again. We've agreed that also has to stop for both our own mental health but for us for a couple as well.

Thanks @palahvah that was also part of our conversation last night about us both making time for ourselves as well.

Gosh that work schedule sounds horrific! It’s great that you’re going to try to cut back and find time for yourselves and each other.

I'm so happy you know what the problem is now! It must have been so awful before. Now you know there's something you can focus on together. Must be so much better for him now too.

I know it sounds odd but a gratitude journal has really helped me a lot at low times. Just begin with a notebook and religiously writing down 3 things you are happy about/ grateful for each day. (Even if it's just 'I have a roof over my head, I don't have to sleep outside, I have a cosy bed' etc) It was easy to keep up once I started it in my case. Good luck ❤️

Maybe consider supply teaching? Less stressful I'm told?

So positive that he's told you all about it, I really
hope you don't give up on him he sounds like such a keeper.

Thank you everyone

We had another chat last night that one was more from my perspective and how i was feeling etc. It wasn't easy but he wanted me to be honest with how I was feeling. I showed him my post actually and he was gutted that I felt that way. It's all progress though and we will get there I hope. I'm confident but I do t want to jump the gun.

I think his issues are now rising from his childhood which are very deep rooted but I'm hoping I can convince him to see someone. To talk to a stranger about this would be incredible for him, he really does find it so hard. He's disclosed some to me and I've never pushed for it all because I know how bad it is. Being in the same profession (and I will talk to him about this) but I can guess that a child in his class has maybe presented himself as he felt at a time and it's maybe triggered some issues. He's not said this out right yet but he's been talking a lot about how he "had to cope" "had to grow up" etc we will see though

@MyKingdomForBrie unfortunately with mortgage, kids, bills supply isn't an option right now, maybe one day hopefully! X