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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being told to 'Make an effort', is it my fault?

42 replies

ShesNotAlone · 28/05/2019 21:37

The necessary details in this will be really outing so I've name changed but just need advice really.

So as not to drip feed, earlier this year I had a brain injury. It has left me with various symptoms, fatigue, confusion, memory problems, headaches etc but around this time I also managed to meet someone that I get along really well with. He has been understanding, considerate, kind and really lovely through all of this and there has been a lot to go through. To be honest, I don't think many people would have stuck around or put up with as much as he has concerning all this. The issue is sex, we have had two arguments about it so far. He says that I should make more of an effort by lighting candles and making sure the room is set out right and that I sometimes give him mixed signals because I imply I want to be intimate but then fall asleep. The second point I can see a little bit because I do get so exhausted so quickly that I fall asleep before I even realise it but then he huffs and won't talk to me and makes me feel incredibly guilty and miserable about it. I'm a survivor of prolonged abuse and was open about this as soon as I realised we were getting close. However being told to make an effort to please him and then feeling horrible about not being able to be intimate with someone is bringing back some horrible memories that I just can't shake. He's a lovely person and I do really like him but I'm getting so angry over the 'effort' comment. He made this comment on the day I'd been told that it was confirmed the I'd sustained brain damage and cognitive impairment and I feel like, after my relationship history just being able to be close to someone and trust them is me putting in the maximum amount of effort. I'm exhausted all the time lately and lighting candles and incense to make his experience enjoyable is making the idea of sex even worse now. It could be my fault and the baggage I'm carrying from an abusive relationship, maybe this is just a normal request and I'm overreacting? That's why I'm on here, asking for the help and guidance of MN.

Sorry in advance if I delete this thread later it is just so outing that I should have put it in 90 days but I'm desperate for advice. I'm willing to hear that it is my fault!

OP posts:
pog100 · 28/05/2019 21:43

Of course it's not your fault. Bloody hell, he is being a total wanker. He should be happy that you want sex at all, given the circumstances! Is he putting any effort in to making you desire him because he sounds anything other than desirable to me! I've no idea how entangled you feel with him but to be honest he really doesn't sound truly kind to you.

PickAChew · 28/05/2019 21:48

He's not a lovely person. He's demanding (candle, wtf?) and sulky and unsupportive, when you need the support.

I think you need to walk away from this relationship, for the sake of your self esteem.

Avacadoandtoast · 28/05/2019 21:49

You are not over reacting OP, that’s not normal or nice. You need to look after yourself just now and he should be there for you helping you get better - not wanting you to make an effort for him all the time!

Rocketgirl1 · 28/05/2019 21:51

He doesn’t sound lovely.

He doesn’t want sex without candles and a set up room Confused. Never heard of such a thing.

I think he’s treating you quite cruelly under the circumstances.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/05/2019 21:53

Nope. He’s not nice. He’s a wanker. Sorry Op. Next!

category12 · 28/05/2019 21:53

Seriously, he had a go about your sexlife on the day you were told about the brain damage?

He's not a nice man.

Thedilemma111 · 28/05/2019 21:53

Dump him . Why should you be lighting candles anyway . Tell him to do it i

barryfromclareisfit · 28/05/2019 21:53

I had a brain event. It took years to be anything like right. You will fall asleep every time you are still and quiet - it’s a thing.

Being nagged for sex, and made to feel bad, can’t help you at all. Is anyone there for you?

TooTrueToBeGood · 28/05/2019 21:55

He's really not a lovely person. He's a self-centred, entitled POS who can turn on the charm when it suits him.

Reenascreena · 28/05/2019 22:00

Of course it’s not your fault. He’s not ‘lovely’, he’s behaving appallingly to an abuse survivor who’s coping with a complicated recovery from a brain injury. Imagine this is happening to a friend — what do you advise?

Original poster
ShesNotAlone · 28/05/2019 22:13

Thank you all so much for your replies and help. I was seriously doubting myself and wondering if I was in the wrong and maybe should be trying harder. I honestly feel so relieved to hear from you all that it isn't. It's strange but I never thought about him putting effort in for me Pog and that does help.
Sorry to hear you've been through a brain event too barry Flowers, it's rubbish isn't it? I had no idea that falling asleep was a thing, just that I feel tired all the time but that definitely makes sense. I have my mum although I don't like to trouble her and definitely couldn't share this with her.

I wish I could thank you all individually for your comments. It's hard to see outside of the situation and even your advice about thinking of it happening to a friend Reena helped. I thought it was my fault and I was being unreasonable because of my history and my own issues around sex.

OP posts:
OrianaBanana · 28/05/2019 22:26

I don’t understand. If candles are so important to him why isn’t he lighting them??

AnyFucker · 28/05/2019 22:30

Men don't really like candles, let's be clear about this.

He is using this shit to make you jump through impossible hoops. Setting you up to fail.

Have a good think about whether someone who actually valued you would do that

Original poster
ShesNotAlone · 28/05/2019 23:20

This is what I initially thought AnyFucker I have a few male friends and can't imagine any of them talking about candles or incense. I never thought about it being a set up, thank you. Sometimes, despite having been there before, I am still niave to things like that. It hasn't even crossed my mind.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/05/2019 23:30

Trust yourself. Your first instinct was right. He doesn't have your best interests at heart. He isn't a good person and he isn't safe for you to be around.

RantyAnty · 29/05/2019 08:58

It probably wasn't the best time to get involved with anyone as the focus should be on you health and healing.

Predators can smell weakness vulnerability a mile away. I suspect he got involved due to those things as he thought it would be easy regular sex for him.

Moralitym1n1 · 29/05/2019 09:12

*Men don't really like candles, let's be clear about this.

He is using this shit to make you jump through impossible hoops. Setting you up to fail.*

This.

My first thought was - "who are you seeing, Laurence Llewellyn Bowen?!", cause I can't honestly think of one other man who'd give a fk about candles.

Things like candles and cushions are beyond the ken if most men, they have no idea why they even exist. And most of them would have sex with a bulb overhead (without a light shade) if we didn't insist otherwise.

It's strange behaviour, feels like he's just getting at you. He's lucky you're having sex with him at all, with a brain injury!!!! In fact he's lucky you're having sex with him full stop

Rspu3 · 29/05/2019 09:17

He doesn’t sound that lovely op, sorry. My husband has never huffed and got into a strop/mood over me saying no to sex. He just kisses my head and watches telly or goes to sleep. Plus why is only upto you? You’ve been through a hell of a time, why do you need to make the effort? He should be putting your health first and supporting you through this. I would have a serious talk with him op. X

Shitonthebloodything · 29/05/2019 09:19

Candles! Fucking, candles?! That's a new one on me, is he an 18 year old girl?! Who the fuck sets up candles and incense to have a shag?
Sounds like you are doing an amazing job with your recovery, concentrate on that and forget trying to please this dickhead. Trust me, he's not as nice as you think.

Happynow001 · 29/05/2019 09:21

Predators can smell weakness vulnerability a mile away.
This ^^ he knows your history (because you've been honest) and he's behaving like a bully - that's far from nice OP. Or caring. Or loving.

And as far as lighting candles and setting up the room for sex - what?! Surely the only things that matter is that you are privacy, you both in the mood and both awake?!

Sorry but he doesn't sound like a keeper. I'd wave him goodbye and concentrate on your own health and life instead. Treat yourself gently.

Good luck to you my dear. 🌹

AravisQueenOfArchenland · 29/05/2019 09:21

Are his arms broke? Can he not light candles etc himself? He could tell you to go have a nap in other room while he "sets the mood" to his liking? I wonder of his ex made a big fuss of lighting candles etc everytime, and now he thinks that's the norm?

And making you feel guilty for being too tired or ill for sex is horrible.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 29/05/2019 09:23

Yep - I’ve been with dh for 20 years. I have never once “set the room up” with candles. Can’t say he has ever complained!

jay55 · 29/05/2019 09:41

If you fall asleep quickly and deeply it would be bloody dangerous to have candles burning.

He's a knob.

BigButtons · 29/05/2019 09:45

my bloke likes having candles in the sitting room- I'm not fussed abut them so he buys and lights them, but will quite happily have sex with the lights on and no candles.
Yours sounds like a dick tbh.

ravenmum · 29/05/2019 09:59

He has been understanding, considerate, kind and really lovely through all of this
No, he's been quiet about it for a mere six months before coming up with this shite.

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