Being told to 'Make an effort', is it my fault?

[ShesNotAlone]

The necessary details in this will be really outing so I've name changed but just need advice really.

So as not to drip feed, earlier this year I had a brain injury. It has left me with various symptoms, fatigue, confusion, memory problems, headaches etc but around this time I also managed to meet someone that I get along really well with. He has been understanding, considerate, kind and really lovely through all of this and there has been a lot to go through. To be honest, I don't think many people would have stuck around or put up with as much as he has concerning all this. The issue is sex, we have had two arguments about it so far. He says that I should make more of an effort by lighting candles and making sure the room is set out right and that I sometimes give him mixed signals because I imply I want to be intimate but then fall asleep. The second point I can see a little bit because I do get so exhausted so quickly that I fall asleep before I even realise it but then he huffs and won't talk to me and makes me feel incredibly guilty and miserable about it. I'm a survivor of prolonged abuse and was open about this as soon as I realised we were getting close. However being told to make an effort to please him and then feeling horrible about not being able to be intimate with someone is bringing back some horrible memories that I just can't shake. He's a lovely person and I do really like him but I'm getting so angry over the 'effort' comment. He made this comment on the day I'd been told that it was confirmed the I'd sustained brain damage and cognitive impairment and I feel like, after my relationship history just being able to be close to someone and trust them is me putting in the maximum amount of effort. I'm exhausted all the time lately and lighting candles and incense to make his experience enjoyable is making the idea of sex even worse now. It could be my fault and the baggage I'm carrying from an abusive relationship, maybe this is just a normal request and I'm overreacting? That's why I'm on here, asking for the help and guidance of MN.

Sorry in advance if I delete this thread later it is just so outing that I should have put it in 90 days but I'm desperate for advice. I'm willing to hear that it is my fault!

Bin this man: he's an abuser. He wants a vulnerable woman he can bully, because that's the only way he can feel less like the failure he actually is.

I'm sorry you've had such a tough time and I hope you have plenty of support from other people in your life.

I’ve been with a lot of blokes in my time and not one of them has demanded candles. In fact, what normally happens is the bloke puts in effort (dinner, wine, flowed etc) to get the girl in the mood! Not the other way around. He wants you to make effort to get him in the mood because he’s what? Chris hemsworth? He’s got a deluded sense of self. I think he’s taking advantage. He’s not normal. Don’t let him keep having sex with you. He’s abusing your medical condition. It’s disgusting.

It's a 'thank you, next' from me, OP. A 'nice' person would exercise a little empathy for your situation, and only want you to do what's comfortable for you. You've suffered a brain injury, FFS! You should be his first concern, not sodding mood lighting and sex you're not up for.

On the day you received the news about your brain damage, he had a go about your sexlife = Grade A scum bag.

While you're dealing with such a massive trauma, you need people around who are supportive not draining. If he drains you, take a break from him.

Meantime, you might want to read Superbetter which is (imo) a beautiful book written by a woman who suffered a brain injury and then resulting depression and fatigue. It is a game plan for how to get better by taking miniscule steps - so small that you really can manage them, however tired or down you are. (There's an App too and an online version but the online version is full of glitches and the app is too. I prefer the book.)

If you hadn't had a brain injury (or another reason for falling asleep) and you fell asleep a lot of times when you'd initiated / been up for sex then I could understand him being pissed off. But falling asleep sometimes / having a brain injury or another reason for falling asleep = perfectly reasonable. And if wants candles he can light the sodding things!!! What next? Rose petals up the stairs? Seductive music? You wearing something short and slinky while hand-feeding him strawberries?
I'm not saying he's necessarily an abuser or anything like that, but he is a grade A twat and you can do better. Find someone who pulls the duvet over you when you've fallen asleep unexpectedly and kisses you gently on the forehead, not someone who expects you to act out his sexual fantasies like a high class hooker.

It's not your fault at all.

I had a bleed on the brain and amongst all the other shit it brings, the absolute immediate and shattering fatigue is body awful to experience - I think that if my DH hasn't been so understanding and had expected anything of me then we'd have split. I just couldn't do it. I got stuck in the middle section of a dual carriageway once, my brain just couldn't figure out how to process where the cars were and when to cross. A week or so later I was in London and walked out in front of a black cab. Luckily he'd realised I wasn't stopping and he managed to.

What I'm trying to say is that a brain injury affects almost every part of one's life, and those around one. Apparently my tempers were such that sometimes my DDs didn't want to go home. I have no memory of it. I do remember being scared and sad and confused a lot of the time.

Suggest to your partner that he speaks with Headway. It's a charity for people with brain injuries. I found tbe chap on the helpline to be there shining light that I do remember from those days.

Please do not stay with this man.

You met him so recently that there shouldn't be any tension at all, and you should be enjoying a honeymoon period. Instead he pesters about sex!!

Red flags all over your post.

He’s an insensitive prick if he thinks that you wooing him with candles is top of your list at the moment. He should be thankful he’s met you, that you’re kind to him and that you’re up for sex with him full stop. If he feels like you’re not making enough effort given what you’re dealing with, he’s a grade a arse.

FWIW my DP likes candles - he spent £100 on various scented candles and wax melts etc the other week to make his home and mine smell nice. We light one every night as it makes for nice low lighting for DTD, however, if he ever insisted or made me feel like it was all on me to set the scene for him, I’d shove the candles where the flames don’t shine!

I can’t say from this one incident whether he’s abusive, but he’s certainly self-centred and needs to realise that what you need at the moment is some TLC, not pressure to be better in bed.

If you’ve been soldiering on and trying not to depend on him, then he might not realise how it’s affecting you. If you’ve been open about how you feel and he’s still being selfish, dump his arse ASAP.

The candles thing is ridiculous. Is he picturing you two making love in a Madonna video? It's a very flimsy reason to be getting angry at you. I think it's just the beginning of seeing how gradually he can break you down and he'll get worse and worse.
Run away and focus on your recovery alone. What kind of person gets annoyed at someone with a brain injury for being tired? That's so selfish. Heaven forbid he doesn't get his end away!

Not a nice man...

I agree with everyone else.

Firstly, he's being inappropriate, given your health situation.

Secondly, I've never met a man who would make this such an issue. Literally, every straight man I've known has just been pleased to be having sex with a woman. Candles have never been high up on their agenda and many would laugh out loud at the idea they might be.

I have known men who like candles, but not enough to make a big deal about it and they would have just lit one if they'd wanted to.

There's a comedy film called Vacation in which the man (Griswald) keeps wanting to light a scented candle whenever they make love. He even takes it on holiday with him. It makes the point nicely as it's idiotic and funny. It might help you to feel better about the situation.

For the future (hopefully, not with this man but when you find someone lovely), twinkle lights can be a good and easy alternative to candles.

Sorry you're going through this OP. Best wishes to you!

Get shot of this dickhead. He is absolutely not nice whatsoever.
This is not you op, it's most definitely 100% him!
Not for the candles btw (good old MN can speak for all men again I see)
My dh sometimes likes candles lit but it's not a big deal if there's none and he'd never accuse me of not putting effort in because I don't light them nor because I fell asleep exhausted.

It's not your fault

Surely fire is the man's responsibility if we're being sexist about things.

Ugh, fire 🔥 🔥.

I agree with everyone else. He's using candles (etc.) as an excuse because he doesn't really want to have sex with you for whatever reason (unlikely to be lack of candles) and he wants to make out that it's all your fault. What an idiot. Men who have lost interest in a relationship should at least have the decency to own their feelings instead of making their gf jump through impossible hoops.

Thank you so much everyone for all your comments and for the flowers. I'm sorry I didn't check in sooner, I've been out all day and didn't even expect to have as many replies! You have all helped me feel so much better and more self-assured and without your comments and advice I'd still have been feeling guilty and questioning myself. Thanks for actually raising a smile in some places with mentions of Chris Hemsworth, Laurence Llewelyn, men and fire etc as smiles have been very few and far between recently!

Sorry to hear you went through similar MrsMozart the confusion, forgetfulness and inability to be able to work out normal everyday tasks is so frustrating but hearing from others helps.

I've ordered that book woodcut as I'm willing to do or try anything, thanks for recommending! And thanks for all the flowers. Turns out my username change was a bit prophetic as I don't have many people around me but you've all helped me feel less alone and I'm going to take everyone's advice and act on it. Thank you all for everything.

🤗