Couples counselling in preparation for a LTR

[CouldBeBetterAlone]

I've been with my boyfriend for a year, although I knew him many years ago when he was married. So I knew 'about' him for a while before our relationship started. In this year, we have had some fabulous times and the sex continues to be fantastic. When the relationship is good, it works very well indeed, there are many common interests and there is a strong bond. He says he feels a veru strong connection.

However... he has cPTSD stemming from a neglectful childhood. His dad died when he was very little and his mum had MH issues. He has been on antidepressants since he was a teenager. There was a lot of adversity. He has been married twice and has 5 kids. His parenting is good now but has been on-off. Luckily his kids seem ok.

I have cPTSD too, and am ASD. Together we have a great delight in being playful. It's like we can be each other's parent, to some extent, as well as playmate. I am divorced with DCs who live with me half the time. I've kept the boyfriend separate, despite his initial desire to belnd everyone.

Bf and I have had a couple of very stormy arguments. They've started with his safety network being triggered. Then I've turned up the boundaries and said "ok, we need to split then" shown I mean business, and at the crux he comes back in a state of high emotion. Then things are good again, etc. It's a repeated pattern.

He's a control freak. He drove the speed of the relationship. I pulled him back. It's like I have this strength that he implicitly trusts to make the rules, but that he has to be in charge of the timings, e.g. like when he goes to his other house. He can be self-centred and sometimes arranges to go without thinking much about me. On the other hand, he has changed some boundaries and put in effort to include me in his plans and actions.

I don't know if I am being picky but as some of the above - and a few more behaviours - put me in a state of anxiety, I'm thinking about couples counselling. He agrees that we have issues over control and being equal (we both want to be boss!) and I think he will agree to counselling.

Has anyone done this before? Should I even be investing this much in this relationship? I feel like it's make-or-break time.

It sounds to me like you’ve gone out with him for a while, and though he has some great qualities, he is not the right person for you long term. Couples counselling won’t change that.

I'm really not sure. How do you know what the right person looks like?

Not someone you need to have couples counselling when you’ve been together less than a year.

I have been with him for a year.l already. I’m not sure I agree with your comment as I thought people went to couples counselling for a whole load of different reasons.

Would it help to know we’ve each been seeing our own counsellor for the ptsd? I’ve been with mine for 4 years & she was my Relate counsellor with my ex...

I ask because IRL all my friends have said it’s a really good idea given our problems.

His: control, leads to fear of abandonment, leads to him taking off

Me: fear of abandonment, never feeling good enough, leads to avoidance

I thought that identifying these was a strength in the relationship. It is very kind and loving otherwise.

Your friends could mean two different things.

1. Yes go for counselling. You guys are great together and it’s worth working on your past , you could be really happy.

1. Yes go for counselling. Because this man is a nightmare and totally wrong for you but you can’t see it so maybe you will work it out yourself during counselling.

Can I ask what you mean when you say that he comes back in a high state of emotion ?

Thanks for replies... my friends say - “you both struggle with relationships and have had a lot of life adversity but are brilliant together. He is besotted with you & you work v well as a team”. I took that from one text but the others said similar.

By emotion - he becomes fearful and shows an angry reaction: shouting. Goes off. I put down the barriers. He comes back crying and saying how much he misses me.
It’s a pattern - not always exabtly like this, but similar.

In between when he goes, naturally I feel abandoned, am sad but harden, by which stage he is sorry & comes back in an emotional (crying, eg) state...

You've been seeing a counselor for 4years? It hasn't worked then, has it? How long are you supposed to carry on? Forever? It sounds to me that you both need a partner who hasn't got issues. Together you're a nightmare.. ffs why does there need to be a boss anyway?

So when you set boundaries, he gets angry and shouts at you then storms off - is that right ?

Does he swear at you or hit or break things ? Does he hit you or threaten you in any way ? Does he “accidently “ hurt you eg by pushing you when he is angry ?

Sorry for asking so many questions but I am concerned about you.

He treats you like shit, you put up boundaries, he manipulates with crying, you withdraw boundaries, he treats you like shit...

Just dump him. This isn't going anywhere good and you have kids to think of.

Sounds like a lot of hard work, tbh.

He's not fearful, he's emotionally controlling. You didn't "harden" after he "abandoned" you, you began to recover after he broke up with you. So he came back to hoover you back up and bring you down again.

He sounds like a right turnip and you are best well clear of him.

I started seeing my counsellor with Relate & continued as I got my diagnosis of ASD and worked through trauma. There have been breaks in between. She’s often like a mother-listener as my own mum died and I had to go NC with abusive dad.

Yes maybe at partner without trauma is the ideal... although I was married to one for 17 years and he was not particularly helpful. I’m finding my boyfriend very understanding.

No, he never hits anyone or anything. He is very gentle. He has never, ever hit me. He barely swears. The first time he ever swore anything like to me, was after a recent argument as he reflected, he said “you know, I fucking love you” but it wasn’t aggressive. I’ve never heard him swear at me. He usually slaps his thigh hard and storms off in moments of anger.

That s intersting, . picsinred had born thought of it like that before. Emotionally manipulative...

Oh holy shit, walk away. Dick is abundant and low value ie no man is worth this much effort. You will either find another one, or you'll be single, and both of these are much better options than this drama llama.

It’s only been a year and it shouldn’t be this difficult. It sounds to me like the issues you both have trigger each other, and without completely resolving those (which I don’t believe is possible) there won’t be a positive outcome.

Wow, red flags ahoy here. The getting angry and shutting down and then emotionally manipulating you would be enough for me to walk away.

Trauma or no trauma, I’m sure he doesn’t treat his boss or people he meets in the street like that? He doesn’t need to act that way with you, yet he does. It won’t get better with counselling.

Thanks all... I think of him as more than “dick” ... and I was hoping that counselling would help us identify the triggers.

I'm kind of getting where you're coming from, but it sounds like you've invtested fuck of a lot more time into yourself than he has.

Relate counselors are generally known to be shit, although you may have a good one, in which case ask her why she's Relate branded?

*His: control, leads to fear of abandonment, leads to him taking off

Me: fear of abandonment, never feeling good enough, leads to avoidance*

But you honestly couldn’t write a more perfect vicious circle if you tried. Do you think that both of you could eliminate your fear of abandonment? Given what you’ve both been through it seems very unlikely when you’re in a relationship where this very thing is triggered by the behaviour of the other.

And that’s not even getting into whether he’s using his past as a shield to be emotionally abusive towards you

She no longer works for Relate! Good point. She is actually very experienced. He has done loads of work on some aspects, too. CPTSD is hard work!

Think I will give some sessions a go with him, but ready to go solo if that’s not satisfactory

Have either of you tried EMDR for past trauma? Very good success rates, there are even online services now which are much less expensive than in-person treatment.

Thanks Desthgrip yes, absolutely a vicious circle. It has taken a few patterns to identify it.

Could I eliminate my fear of abandonment?

I guess this is what I want to test via therapy. Yes I do think so. I was in a good plaice before him, but relationships are an unsafe place for me to be. I don’t think it’s him, but anyone, who makes me feel like this.

I guess we can give it a go. I wonder how other people with trauma do relationships? They must have them...

Funny you should mention EMDR. He was considering this for his trauma, especially as his relates to 2 clear incidents. Mine is more broad & I don’t know if ASD would be a problem.