Couples counselling in preparation for a LTR

[CouldBeBetterAlone]

I've been with my boyfriend for a year, although I knew him many years ago when he was married. So I knew 'about' him for a while before our relationship started. In this year, we have had some fabulous times and the sex continues to be fantastic. When the relationship is good, it works very well indeed, there are many common interests and there is a strong bond. He says he feels a veru strong connection.

However... he has cPTSD stemming from a neglectful childhood. His dad died when he was very little and his mum had MH issues. He has been on antidepressants since he was a teenager. There was a lot of adversity. He has been married twice and has 5 kids. His parenting is good now but has been on-off. Luckily his kids seem ok.

I have cPTSD too, and am ASD. Together we have a great delight in being playful. It's like we can be each other's parent, to some extent, as well as playmate. I am divorced with DCs who live with me half the time. I've kept the boyfriend separate, despite his initial desire to belnd everyone.

Bf and I have had a couple of very stormy arguments. They've started with his safety network being triggered. Then I've turned up the boundaries and said "ok, we need to split then" shown I mean business, and at the crux he comes back in a state of high emotion. Then things are good again, etc. It's a repeated pattern.

He's a control freak. He drove the speed of the relationship. I pulled him back. It's like I have this strength that he implicitly trusts to make the rules, but that he has to be in charge of the timings, e.g. like when he goes to his other house. He can be self-centred and sometimes arranges to go without thinking much about me. On the other hand, he has changed some boundaries and put in effort to include me in his plans and actions.

I don't know if I am being picky but as some of the above - and a few more behaviours - put me in a state of anxiety, I'm thinking about couples counselling. He agrees that we have issues over control and being equal (we both want to be boss!) and I think he will agree to counselling.

Has anyone done this before? Should I even be investing this much in this relationship? I feel like it's make-or-break time.

I have a substantial amount of trauma stemming from childhood abuse and other bad experiences. I also believe I may be on the spectrum (both of my children are, and both are severely impacted) but I don’t personally feel I’d get much from a diagnosis and I can’t even think about it right now given all I have to deal with with the kids.

My DH has fear of abandonment due to issues with his mother.

I guess the difference is that the issues we have don’t directly set off the other’s issues, if that makes sense, so we have the ability to empathise and support each other through those things. If his behaviour triggered my issues and then vice versa I couldn’t have managed.

Counselling has helped in some ways but not most - I am going to try EMDR and see if it helps me. I’ve heard very good things.

Thank you, Deathgrip I really appreciate the discussion we've had over the past few hours. Your example helps me a lot.

Yes, I can see that despite the trauma in yours and your DH's lives, you don't set off each other's issues. I would say , it happens maybe 7-10% of the time for us. There is empathy and support the rest of the time. I find that confusing and that's what I want to work on. The setting off has become worse recently while I've let the relationship move to the next level. He was talking only a few days ago about the strength of our bond, how much more he wants to work as a partnership with my sharing his things, and how things have developed so well. There was then a week of deep stress and busy stuff, a lot of social pressure, some home problems for him and a sick child, and BAM it happened again. It's like he has this security network challenged, and he's off - even the conversation gets transparent as he seeks my approval through it. I can read him like a book. He becomes the sad and neglected little boy in those moments.

I think 6-8 sessions of counselling would help us both identify our 'raw spots' for what hurts most and how we communicate that to each other. Instead of all the drama, we could have other strategies. On the whole we have found a language to articulate whenever something upsets us and how to work around it, already, to an extent. Counselling could be followed by EMDR - probably for each of us. He has (independently) sought help and is waiting to hear back about funding for treatment. He mentioned EMDR as a consideration. He has already found a trauma counsellor for himself via this funding,

Wow, thank you for helping me think it through. I have my eyes open to manipulation and abuse, and I am strong and feel I can leave this if need be. I need to re-focus for the next few days before having a discussion with him.

Good luck with the EMDR. I'd be interested to hear if it works, and how.

Relationships (in the sense of couple-relationships) are not compulsory. They are certainly not worth making yourself miserable over. As someone once said, a relationship is a bit like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

Oh yes, absolutely. I was single for a number of years, through choice. My ASD helps. I don't think this is forced (that's the problem, in a way, it feels very natural to be with this person), and I'm not miserable, rather, I want to know how to best invest next. I'm sure someone else once said that relationships take a lot of hard work!