Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Searching Sexy women on google images

29 replies

mamato3lads · 28/05/2019 16:56

Hi all
The past two months have nearly seen my 18 year relationship crumble, weve been married a year, 3 kids, always really happy. Dh has always been hard working doesn't go out drinking with the lads or anything, always seemed to be a genuine family man who wants to spend his time at home with us. But it seems ive lived in ignorant bliss because i have discovered he has been looking up pictures of sexy women for when he has a wank! I have been so devastated by this as sometimes it was at the weekend when obviously no need as we are home together. He has tried to explain it as just a wank, a picture helps, etc etc. But ive never said no to sex and weve always had sex couple times a week no problem. Im so confused and so hurt. I can't get over it and because of that i am slowly destroying our marriage. He's tried everything to reassure me but i just cant get over the hurt
How can i get past this? I can't believe he looked up pictures of other womeb, no matter how i play it out in my mind it feels wrong
Would you be as hurt? Am i being ridiculous here... I just cant see straight anymore Sad

OP posts:
2LitreBottle · 28/05/2019 17:05

I get that you feel that it’s a massive betrayal to be doing it himself when you’re there and willing...

But plenty of men (and women) enjoy a quick DIY job, no pressure and no need to reciprocate, and having something to look at while you do it at isn’t unusual.

Given the world of degrading porn out there that he could have been searching on, I have to say, I’d be relieved that “sexy women” is as bad as it gets!

Not trying to minimise how you feel, as you obviously are uncomfortable with it, but honestly, that wouldn’t bother me at all, and I’m no ‘cool wife’ .

Obviously I’d rather my DP was thinking of me or watching videos we’ve made together than watching other women, and I have been annoyed when I found out he’d been watching porn in bed after we’d already had sex and I’d gone to sleep, but what he does with his body is his business, as it is for me, so I certainly wouldn’t let something like this eat away at me, I’d just want him to be a bit more discreet about it.

Maybe just ask him to be sure to clear his search history so it isn’t staring you in the face? I don’t think you can insist he doesn’t wank or doesn’t look at sexy ladies to do it.

goldeline · 28/05/2019 17:10

I think you're massively overreacting! Poor guy. He's not even looking at basic porn!

Original poster
mamato3lads · 28/05/2019 17:21

It just made me feel like im not enough. Easier to look at someone else, someone new, "quick and easy" as he put it. A cold bathroom on the toilet versus a warm woman in bed. Im absolutely gutted

OP posts:
goldeline · 28/05/2019 17:25

You can't really compare a quick wank to sex, assuming your sex life isn't suffering because he's consistently choosing the former.

It sounds like you have some really big confidence issues. It's not an attractive quality and you could end up driving him away if he's not even able to look at a picture of another woman.

Original poster
mamato3lads · 28/05/2019 17:27

And to be clear it wasnt just "sexy women" it was more usually MILF or sexy milf, pretty milf, blonde big tits etc.

I dont give a shit if he masturbates, we all do, but the pictures make me want to cry, its a liberty.

OP posts:
Tinytomato2 · 28/05/2019 17:31

I understand how you feel. It is normal to feel shock and rejection when you find your partner has a need for images of other women. Unfortunately, men are different to women and have a range of sexual needs - however happy they are having sex with their wives, they sometimes have an urge for something impersonal, a bit naughty and dirty like porn. They don't see it as a betrayal of what they have at home because it's very different in their eyes.

I'm sure he still loves you and finds you attractive so I hope that in time you can come to terms with it and not see it as a reflection of your worth. Hopefully he can be more discreet too.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 28/05/2019 17:36

Ehm, surely this is not a problem?

It's nothing to do with you, really, these images are not competing with you

It's a harmless bit of wanking, neither here nor there

Original poster
mamato3lads · 28/05/2019 18:37

I'm so surprised by the reaction here, no one is bothered about their husband sitting in the bathroom, picking an image of another woman who gets him horny then wanking over her picture? Baffled

OP posts:
HarryBlackberry1 · 28/05/2019 18:46

I get it OP. I accidentally found out my dp had been wanking to young colleagues' fb pictures. Well I presume he was, judging by how many times he'd accessed their profiles. I think it's the shock of realising you don't know someone like you thought you did.

goldeline · 28/05/2019 18:47

No, it really doesn't bother me. He chose to marry me, chose to only sleep with me. We have a great sex life Him choosing to look at photos/videos of strangers on the internet when he wanks has nothing to do with how he feels about me.

GidgetGirl · 28/05/2019 18:51

Could not care less if (when!) my DP does that kind of thing. It’s not like it’s someone we know personally! And god knows I use porn sometimes. It doesn’t mean I love or fancy him any less..

Angelinthenightx · 28/05/2019 18:53

I would be upset too & it would bother me but u can work this out its not the end of your relationship.maybe play together instead of alone. I think u will get over it with time just dont let it spoil what u have x

Icandothisallday · 28/05/2019 18:53

No, doesnt bother me, no.

Neither to I believe that I am the only woman dp has ever found attractive or have fantasies about since we met. He certainly isnt the only man I have found attractive since we met

If i was sorting myself out, as it were, i am likely to imagine something. Maybe not to do with dp at all.

I dont find him finding other women, devastating. Nor do I think i an in competition with these women or that I am losing that competition.

Masturbating is very different to have sex. Doesnt mean I dont want dp, or gone off him or want another man more.

I love dp and would cheat. I only want to share my life and have sex with him. He loves me and fancies me. Fantasties are just that.

Icandothisallday · 28/05/2019 18:54

maybeplay together instead of alone.

So ban masturbating unless OP is involved?

Estellastar · 28/05/2019 18:55

God I’m glad I’m not married to you OP.

Moominfan · 28/05/2019 18:56

Op each relationship has its own boundaries, this has clearly crossed yours. I wouldn't make any rash choices. Take time to process your feelings. Then discuss what it is you want moving forward with dp.

Honeybee85 · 28/05/2019 18:57

It wouldnt bother me as I think all men watch porn. I would only be upset if it was something disturbing such as rape porn. ‘ Sexy women’ seems pretty innocent to me!

Then again it’s YOUR marriage, not mine.

Perhaps you should organise a romantic weekend get away and buy some sexy lingerie?
So you can have some quality time and you feel more desired by him again.

GidgetGirl · 28/05/2019 18:57

In fact, I wouldn’t want to be with a partner who DIDN’T do that kind of thing. A partner who only and exclusively found me alone attractive? Who never fantasised about another soul and never got any pleasure from looking at images of other people? Doesn’t sound like that would be a healthy relationship.. Noooo fanks.

Nutellaoneverything · 28/05/2019 18:58

I get it OP it would feel like a betrayal if I found my husband doing this. Doesn't help the self esteem knowing you're not enough to satisfy your husbands sexual needs

mojitounicorns · 28/05/2019 18:58

Wouldn't bother me at all. I think you sound very very naïve....

Nutellaoneverything · 28/05/2019 18:59

Like a PP said, every relationship has boundaries and this will you be one of mine

Nutellaoneverything · 28/05/2019 19:00

Would be*

autumndreaming · 28/05/2019 19:02

A massive overreaction!! Poor guy!!

MuchTooTired · 28/05/2019 19:03

It bothers me too, makes me feel like he’s cheating, that I’m not good enough, why doesn’t he want me etc, etc. I realise though that everyone does it, acknowledge that a lot of my feelings around it are due to my own issues and low self confidence (that I’m trying to do something about) and move on from it. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want me or anything like that, sometimes it’s easier and more fun to sort yourself out.

Not saying you have low self confidence btw! Maybe just ask him to clear the search history, and try to forget about it?

sar302 · 28/05/2019 19:06

I think there's a difference between knowing he does it, and finding the cold hard evidence. I can understand you've had a bit of a shock. But I'm with the other posters that say it's unlikely to be a reflection on your relationship, and just something that people do.

You can't police his internet usage or his thoughts, however everyone has boundaries about what they think is acceptable. It seems a shame for this to ruin an otherwise positive marriage. In your position I'd probably be telling him that I know he does it, but I don't want to find the evidence of it!

(And by find, I mean him leaving a laptop open / hearing the grunts on the loo - not going through his phone and seeing something.)