Trying again in our marriage

[growmywings]

Last year my husband left me for another woman.
I started to move on and get my life together. He then went on to declare his love for me and tell me he had made a mistake. He would spend the weekend with us as a family and we would sleep together (I know ) then he would return to his house and start to have doubts and we would 'split up' again.
Repeat this about 5 times or so. I knew he was still in contact with OW but eventually found out that he had been doing the same to her- lying about where he was and obviously not telling her about what had gone on with us.
This came to a head recently, he told me how much he loved me and it seemed different this time. He ended it with OW who then found out about everything.

He said he would do whatever it takes to win me back and that I am all he ever wanted but that he lost his way etc etc.

Now he is saying he needs time, that he needs to get over the OW... am I a total idiot?
I've NC for this and also changed some details so it's not too outing.
I love him so dearly, I desperately want our family back together but this is totally destroying me and the children.

Sorry (and I mean this in the nicest possible way) you are being an idiot. You're allowing him to treat you badly and engaging in the pick me dance. If he really wanted you then he would commit to you wouldn't he but he doesn't. What he wants is you to want him and not to move on. It must be very confusing for you and your children. Where is your self esteem in all of this? You are worth so much more than someone's second choice.

You deserve better than this. Funny how he came back as soon as you appeared to be moving on? I suggest you draw a line under him or this will destroy you. Say no more and file for divorce. You deserve to know where you stand. You can never trust him again anyway. He could do this again in 2,3,4 years...everytime he gets bored. Dump and build up your life without him

Deep down I know I am being an idiot.
My excuse is that I love him, the man I married would never have done anything like this on purpose.
I have no self esteem left, no dignity. He's taken all that from me too.
When he left he blamed everything on me, how I was such a terrible wife and solely to blame.
I have no idea how to pick myself up from here and move on.

You are doing the 'pick me dance' and it's something that messes with your self-esteem no end.
Why are you doing this to yourself???
This guy is just not worth it.
He is treating you appallingly and you are enabling it.
You need to have some boundaries here.
Stop doing everything you can to save this.
He is a liar and a cheat and he continues to have his cake and eat it.
Your poor DC can't possibly know whether they are coming or going.
What an awful situation for them.

Put a stop to this madness.
Only you can do it.
Find your self-respect and tell him to fuck off.
You are done being an option.

You are done with the manipulation.
You are done being cheated on over and over again.
You are done being treated like a door-mat.
Now stick to it.
NC unless it's about contact with the DC.
Do not engage in any other conversations.

You got this!

I too mean this as gently as possible, but you are being a massive idiot, and you KNOW it. How many times does he have to fuck you over for you to realise what a total piece of shit he is? You love him so dearly? REALLY? It is crystal clear he couldn't care less about you and your feelings.

Your husband is enjoying this little game of stringing along two women. I'm sure his pathetic ego gets quite the stroking. FGS, think about how horribly this is damaging your children and put an end to this fuckwittery.

You aren't being an idiot, not at all. Anyone in your position would want to have their family back together if they could and I would feel totally the same. That being said, you really do deserve so much more than this from a relationship. So much more, this man is being so incredibly disrespectful to you, your marriage and messing your children around. I really feel for you OP he sounds like he doesn't know what he wants and is behaving like a child.

I asked him whether this is all a game to him, he denies that and can't explain why he keeps doing what he is doing.

The latest reason for him seeming to have changed his mind is that he needs answers about a certain thing to do with the OW and that he is not sure he can trust me, even brought up that I had started dating after he left and that he wasn't sure he believes I didn't sleep with anyone... which is laughable really as I would have told him if he had asked as I was so angry with him.

I just want him to love me and the children enough to try again. I know I have no self esteem left, I know he is destroying me bit by bit but I can honestly say I have never loved anyone like I love him, despite what he has done. Maybe it's because I realise I did make a lot of mistakes when we were together... I don't know.
Why is he doing this to me? To himself? To all his family he is dragging through this mess?

He's taking you for a joke! If he really wanted to make it work, the OW would've been ditched a long time ago.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's horrendous. I've been there.
You say you have never loved anyone like you love him and you miss the man he used to be but he's not that man anymore. And you need to love yourself more!

It will be the hardest thing walking away from him and putting yourself first but you can do it. And afterwards you will feel a tremendous sense of achievement and affirmation.
What kind of person has an affair and then accuses their ex of no longer being trustworthy? He is gaslighting you in the worst possible way.
Even if he stays it will never be the same. How can you ever trust him again? Or respect yourself?
Try reading the 'ChumpLady' blog and book for some amazing insights on why he's doing what he's doing (because he can) and why you're letting him (because you think all people are nice like you).

Hi, it’s not so easy to throw a marriage away when you love someone so dearly, my husband did exactly the same and I forgave him twice , and now have suspicions it’s happening again , but I know exactly how you feel and just wanted to send you a bunch of

I feel for you OP. I’m similar but not to the same extent. We split last year after he had EA then left to make it physical. Missed me and I took him back but neither of us made any real changes and we spilt again. He started seeing her again , although rarely, and we both tried to move on. I missed him so much but went largely NC (our DC are young adults) . Then about a month ago he asked to talk ..... which we did and long story short, we are trying again but taking it slowly - he is not moving back in for the time being.

He has done everything I’ve asked of him and I genuinely believe he wants to be with me. Complicating things is that it was me who exhibited abusive behaviour in our marriage so I feel responsible for the EA. I believe he would not have left had it not been for that.

That said - this is it. Taking it slow to see if we can both make the inner changes required in both of us and to see if we can forgive each other.

I’m sorry your H is dithering so much but I can understand your position - unhappy with him in your life but unhappy with him out. There was a time when I thought I would never be happy again. My plan is to focus on me and understand where I went wrong in the marriage. I also know that although I want to be e with him, I can survive without him but only time will tell.

Good luck - it really is a shit position to be in

@Mollymoo.....sorry to hear that - I hope in this case your suspicions are wrong

Sounds like he wants the best of both worlds. As soon as someone else catches his eye he'll be off. He's proven that he'd leave you for another woman once already.

Focus on yourself and find your own happiness independently. Don't waste more time on him. You love him dearly, but his heart is not in it. Come to terms with the rejection and move on.

It's important to remember that love for your OH is not unconditional like it is with your children.
You need to think about what he gives you that deserves your love.
It sounds like you need him to want you to prove you're loved, but you need to turn this on it's head- he should be moving mountains to prove he's worthy of being loved. If he's not then he's simply not very loveable.

@KOKOtiltomorrow .. thank you

He is treating you terribly please dont allow him to do it any more. If you got back together he’ll be on the look out for someone else sorry to say. You dont love him; you love the man you thought he was. Its hurtful i know but you are worth more than being treated this way

OP I was in your position a few years ago. A lot of people will say LTB, if only it were that simple when you love someone. Your posts really struck a chord with me because of the trust issues on both sides and that you say you made a lot of mistakes. You seem to want to make it work now and I hope that my experience can help you sort out the trust. My DH had an affair and left me for OW. Like you I went through the pick me dance time and time again. He did pick me, but I am completely ashamed to say that what led to it was due to lies on my part. I justified it to myself by the fact that he had lied so much to me. Then when he did come back, he asked if I’d slept with another person while we were apart. I had but I denied it - in my mind he was the one who had the affair so what right did he have to know what I had done when we were apart. We made real progress over a year of being back together, we were I think really getting back to being happy again. Then he found out the truth about my lies and the other man and it all fell apart. I know you are hurting and angry right now, but if you do want to make it work it needs honesty on both sides and taking things slowly.

Thanks everyone for the replies.

@chickaussie thank you for telling your story.
I think what spurred me to write this post is that he is accusing me of lying about a certain thing to do with OW (I can't say what as too outing) and also thinks I have slept with someone that I had started dating.
I feel like he is judging me by his own standards, I've not lied about anything, if I had I think quite frankly how tired and drained I am of this whole thing I would have come clean just to end the drama which is going on right now- it would be much easier.
He has asked a few times if I slept with the person I was dating and then today basically came out and said he didn't believe me. I told him I have nothing to hide and I would've gladly told him that I had had sex with someone else... but I didn't. He doesn't seem able to see that when he left he broke me. I felt like no one would ever want me. Even going on dates was such a huge thing for me, there was no way I was ready for anyone else to see me naked for a start!

Anyway, I've told him and we have agreed to give each other some space.
I really don't know what I want, I love him but it seems that is not enough. I can't decide whether he really is confused or if this is his revenge for the mistakes I made in our marriage and somehow he is getting kicks out of destroying me.

I feel so low now and I know it sounds ridiculous but if it wasn't for my children then I don't know whether I would still be on this earth. I have very few friends and family, those I do have I feel alienated from to a degree because I have repeatedly gone against their advice.
I think in a way I feel lower now than when he first left.

OP what an awful situation you're in, I'm so sorry!

My only suggestion is - think about this from the point of view of your children looking back in 5-10 years time. How you handle this now will affect how they manage their own relationships when they are adults.

You don't say whether they are boys or girls, but either way you want to give them the example of a strong woman taking control of her life. Whether that means giving him an ultimatum now and taking no s**t after that, or telling him just to leg it is up to you!

Good luck, you will be fine either way!

growmywings please be kind to yourself. It sound slike your family have given you advice you don't want to hear. However, you need to think of your DC, no one can wave a magic wand and make this alright.

You need to wrest back control. It should be a matter of you deciding IF you take H back and what he needs to do to enable that but in reality HE is the one deciding how things are playing out. He wants to make you a liar and to have slept with your date because it deflects all blame from him. Your H is living in the ME show, he is treating you and your DC appallingly. Please think aout how he has no genuine concern aout what he is soing to your children, that tells you all you need to know about him. YOu are working form the premise that he wants to put you and the DC first ut has gone astray but it's not like that you (and DC) do not come first in his life, he does and he seems to come first in your life too.

You need to get boundaries in place: no staying at the weekend, no sex, quick handover at the door with the children and get a divorce started. Stop letting him call all the shots, he has no respect for you and will continue to trample all over your heart until you impose boundaries (which he will buck at). He is NOT your friend anymore.

and can't explain why he keeps doing what he is doing
Because he can and because you and OW are enabling him to keep doing so.
It's really that simple.
Get some space and I really hope you start to see this lying, cheating piece of shit for what he actually is.

I know you're stuck struggling with the present situation, but even if he does come back, can you really think this can be a happy secure relationship for you ever again?

It can't be. He's fucked about so much and for so long and he's still doing it. You'll never be able to trust in his feelings for you. It's no way to live.

@category12 I don't know the answer to that- I hope so.
It is more and more difficult the longer it goes on. I do believe that if our marriage hadn't been difficult in the first place, he wouldn't have looked elsewhere. I have been seeing a counsellor since he left and it has hugely benefited me in terms of dealing with issues that were affecting our marriage.
I think if we had been totally happy and he had done this, I couldn't ever forgive.

He told me last night that he misses her I cut contact with him after that. Today has been hard- what's scarier though, is that I know the less contact we have the less I will want to fix things as if there is anything I've learnt from when he first left, it's that the less contact I have with him the easier it gets. I'm just not sure I want it to be easier. I just want our family back together but it seems I'm the only one of us that does

The NC hasn't really happened, but he was due to be have the children this weekend and said he wanted to stay at the house on the sofa. I told him no, and that he must take the children to his. This was hard as I do want him to stay but I think I will just end up feeling used again.
He is still hung up on her and told me to stop pressuring him to make a decision. As usual he is treating me like the bad person and making me feel like a piece of shit not worth anything.
It's all about him and what he wants and how he feels. I have had enough of him and what he is doing to us. Had another incident with middle dc yesterday, totally linked to the horrendous confusion and trauma that his 'dad' has inflicted upon him over the last few months.
I just wish I could stop and shut off the feelings I have for him, that would make walking away a lot easier.

Sorry you are going through this unhappiness OP but if you take him back your whole life will always be full of such unhappiness as you will never ever trust him again. Dont let your future be like this. Protect yourself and your children by divorcing him and move on without him. You are worth so much more.