Trying again in our marriage

[growmywings]

Last year my husband left me for another woman.
I started to move on and get my life together. He then went on to declare his love for me and tell me he had made a mistake. He would spend the weekend with us as a family and we would sleep together (I know ) then he would return to his house and start to have doubts and we would 'split up' again.
Repeat this about 5 times or so. I knew he was still in contact with OW but eventually found out that he had been doing the same to her- lying about where he was and obviously not telling her about what had gone on with us.
This came to a head recently, he told me how much he loved me and it seemed different this time. He ended it with OW who then found out about everything.

He said he would do whatever it takes to win me back and that I am all he ever wanted but that he lost his way etc etc.

Now he is saying he needs time, that he needs to get over the OW... am I a total idiot?
I've NC for this and also changed some details so it's not too outing.
I love him so dearly, I desperately want our family back together but this is totally destroying me and the children.

GrowMyWimgs I wish I could shut off my feelings for my dp too. It would be so much easier if I could not care. I'm sorry he's putting you through this 💐

You keep blaming yourself and excusing him, stop doing that for starters. He is a horrible, horrible excuse for a human being, and the sooner you admit it to yourself - the better. You never in a million years did anything to warrant such disgusting behaviour on his part. But you already know that deep down.

Further more, you have an obligation to keep your children protected from all this drama. It's incredibly hard, I know, and I really really feel for you, but you have to end this once and for all.

You don't love him, not really. You are addicted to the highs and you validate yourself through him. It's called trauma bonding. It's not real love. Not that it makes it any easier.

But you should start loving yourself asap, for your own sake but also for the sake of your children. He is a pathetic, weak man, nothing to miss or lose there.

the less contact I have with him the easier it gets.

This speaks volumes, have you thought about why that is OP? Because it tells me that he has (understandably) killed much more of the love you felt for him than you realise. You're not putting up with this because you love him, you're doing it because you're scared and probably codependent and that's why it's easier when you cut contact. You start to prove to yourself that you can do it alone and, because you're away from the drip drip of his head-fuckery, you start to see him for what he really is. And then he pops back up and drags you straight back to square one where you're confused and afraid again.

You need space, enough of it that you can start to think about yourself and what you want without him jerking your emotions round like a puppet on a string. I think you'd come out in a very different place after a few weeks space from his manipulation.

I know you are all right. It is just so incredibly hard. I think it is actually more difficult than when he walked out the door the first time.

I think he actually wants me to finish for good, he is too much of a coward and wants to be able to say that it was me that gave up on us.
Even his mum is appalled at his behaviour, but thinks I should wait for him to sort himself out as apparently he does love me. He's got a funny way of showing it if he does. I'm not even sure he really even loves his children as if he did he wouldn't treat them like he has.

He feels too cowardly and guilty to end the marriage, so he is pushing you to the brink so you end it. It happened to me and i realised exh wouldnt finish with OW and so i ended marriage and realise with benefit of hindsight that was what happened.

Was so hard and i thought i wouldnt get over it i just wanted life back to normal. I grieved i think. But it was best thing to happen i’m much more independent and happier since.

So sorry you are going through this. Be kind to yourself get some treats, facial, new haircut, new clothes etc. Take it day by day so not to be overwhelmed. Check where you stand re house/finances etc. Its you and DCs now.

I mean this kindly. You are worth so much more than this. As are your children if they're in the middle of his will I, won't I games.

One thing jumped out at me. Him accusing you/having issue with you dating or sleeping with some else. Whether you did or didn't doesn't matter. If this was a genuine new start he'd be putting that aside, or trying to, because making things work would be his only goal.

OP - You wrote this:
" Today has been hard- what's scarier though, is that I know the less contact we have the less I will want to fix things..."

You HAVE to tell him it's over and that you don't want to see or speak to him for at least a month. Block him. Make him do handovers with kids via someone else. He can write in a handover book for you to read. No coming to the house Go NC. You need to put distance between you so you can get your head right.

You'd be surprised how much better you feel with some space and then you can deal with the financials and custody.

The man you love doesn't exist anymore. Let the man he has become (weak, pathetic and a liar) go so you can move on.

Good luck, you can do this. Don't let him keep you down.

Thought I would post a little update.

I have ended things with him for good after he revealed that he's still in contact with the OW- in fact, they have found this post and have been sharing screenshots, laughing behind my back and humiliating me.
Can you believe at first he was annoyed at what I had written until I pointed out that all of it is true.
Can't believe I have wasted a decade of my life with someone like him, I also find it hard that my children will grow up with him as a so called role model.

No doubt they will read this together so I won't say much more other than I've continued divorce proceedings (I had halted them previously) and I'll see you in divorce court SC!
Thanks for the advice everyone, time to move on with my life and not look back trying to find the man I married, because he became extinct the day he walked out.
I won't post again as I don't want them stalking me any more than they already are.

What a coward he is!!!

Get back in touch with those you think you have alienated, I'd bet they were waiting in the wings ready to catch you when you need it... now.

What an awful thing to be putting you through and making it seem as though you are in the wrong! He's not very nice at all!

Please do get in touch with your friends and family even if it's hard and embarrassing at first (it probably will feel like that but you shouldn't be embarrassed at all!), they will support you and help you.

Would some time with no contact help you get a bit of space to gather your thoughts, get some distance and see how you feel then? Would that be possible with some help from friends/family?

Oh god I'm such a numpty I somehow missed your last post!

God that is so so awful! What utter utter raging bastards they both are!

Yup you two cheating filthy twats, what horribly callous behaviour to show to another human being!

And you STBXH you are the worst! That is the mother of your children! You are garbage!

OW wake up, you're a twat and he's an even bigger one! Hope it keeps fine for you both!

And sorry OP just in case you are still reading this thread - Massive congratulations to you for finally shedding that crap excuse for a partner! You rock!

Well she certainly WON the booby prize there.
Taking on a lying, cheating scumbag.
Good luck with that OW.
You will never trust him because you know what he is capable of.
And he WILL do it to you!

I'm glad you are totally rid of him OP!
You deserve so much better that this low life.
Head high.
Divorce the asshole and find some real happiness.

Well done.

When a person treats us badly we have to make a 'head" decision to leave them as no one deserves to be treated badly. Our "hearts" will then catch up but there is a period of pain whilst going through the transition. No one can love you unless you love yourself more. It really does start with making a decision that you deserve to be treated well and the rest follows. Staying because you loved who they WERE is never the right strategy as you have to face who they actually are now.

Btw, Most people who have affairs have contempt for their spouses and are highly manipulative but inside they are very weak individuals. It is clear that he was using all the well known tactics such as blaming you and lying to get what he wanted. That is why you stayed because you were in the confusion bubble HE caused.

He will not change so be glad OW has him now..by the time her life implodes you will be living happily.

It won’t feel like it now or for a long long time to come but not being with this shit is the best present. It presents you with an opportunity that sadly you had neglected till now, looking after you. The sad truth is you will realise that had turned a blind eye to a lot of his less desirable qualities because you prioritised being in a relationship above being in a good relationship.

Your self esteem wasn’t entirely at rock bottom because in the end you chose to get off the merry-go-round. Keep seeing your counsellor and be kind to yourself.

Word to the OW, what goes around comes around.

It’s Ok to fall out of love with someone or to fall for someone else but inflicting such emotional cruelty to someone he made vows to and their children is next level shittiness. Do you seriously believe that there isn’t another silly/ twisted woman like you prepared to play the games you have? Of course not and he will find her because like attracts like. And when, not if, he decides to shit on you from a great height just remember, unlike the OP you knew who he was and what he had done.

They're both horrible people to do that to you. I hope you find happiness and peace away from him 💐💐💐. Wishing you all the best.

Thank you. They both have caused so much pain to so many people.
I think the striking words on this post were whoever said 'he is not the man you married' that has truly been and remains the hardest thing- he was once a kind, caring and thoughtful man. He would say that I made him into the person he is today, but that's not true because he was still that kind and thoughtful man right up until the time when he started the affair. They are toxic people and it really helps me to realise that now. It's not my fault that he is the person he is, it's their fault and they can keep telling people their version of things but they know what they have done and if they can live with that then they deserve each other.
They will most likely read this, but its nothing I haven't already said to them both.