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Original poster

Opinions please

33 replies

bombaygin · 28/05/2019 13:26

Back story so as not to drip feed:

Ex with many years history in and off. Lost a baby together. He left and got with young girl. They had a child together. Split when he was tiny and been single ever since. Back in my life for the last 18 months or so. I shouldn't have entertained him anyway after all that happened but I do still love him so it's hard. Anyway, we are not together publicly or anything but see each other behind closed doors and are in contact pretty much daily.

Their child is now just over 2years so still a baby really, he sends me pics of him and I'm happy he now has a son (we lost a boy)....obvious it's been hard for me but I've tried to be an adult about it all and I have my own kids and totally understand the need for parents to parent together even if they are separated.

There has been hospital trips, GP visits and even haircuts where my fella has been with her and his son to help keep him calm etc. All totally understandable even though it eats me up a bit secretly.

Anyway, I've just found out that they took him to the seaside together the other day. He didn't tell me. I found out though. So opinions please.....is this taking the piss or what?!

I could maybe see it as being a nice thing if this man was a totally new man in my life and the relationship with the ex was good and they were taking the toddler for his first trip there and he was upfront about it....BUT in this situation said man knows the score....he knows I would be hurt by this and yet he has hidden it from me?

And do people really do this? Take their child to the seaside together....it's not like a Xmas nativity or a parents evening is it...SOME things you do together for the sake of the kids others just over step the mark and blur the lines. I know what it's like, I interact with my own DC father so it's not like I'm alien to it all.

It's the secrecy and lies after all the hurt before. I'm gutted. He's told me before she wants him back as well. Not looking good is it.

But before I get angry at him I need some outside opinion. Please help.

Thank you

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 28/05/2019 13:29

He's taking the piss
Don't carry on seeing him

bigchris · 28/05/2019 13:30

Yes in my experience you do

The issue here is he didnt tell you

So sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
bombaygin · 28/05/2019 13:52

Thank you both.

I can understand them wanting to share that experience however they clearly get along far better than he has made out to me.

And I find him not telling me like a total lack of respect towards me. It's sneaky, he obviously believes I have no right to know.

Maybe I don't?

But it's made me feel like absolute shit. After everything, it's just one more thing which hurts. I can't keep staying involved with him. It's just torturing myself.

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 28/05/2019 13:55

Is it possible he is still with her? The fact that you're relationship is not 'public' would concern me. They seem to spend an awful lot of time together.

popsadaisy · 28/05/2019 13:58

My opinion is he's being a dick. Why can't you be public about your relationship? Is there a reason for this? You sound like a very reasonable person and can do better. You don't deserve to be lied to and you're right there's no need to take their 2 year old to the beach together.

Original poster
bombaygin · 28/05/2019 14:04

I know for certain they are not together anymore. But she has a reputation for being nasty and has threatened to stop him seeing his son several times.

If she knew about me it would cause all hell to break loose. They are not in a relationship but then again neither are we (which he likes to remind me of whenever I get needy in his eyes)....of course it doesn't mean that they are not seeing each other secretly does it....it's looking very dodgy. I'm shaking

OP posts:
popsadaisy · 28/05/2019 14:06

I think you need some commitment. Either he commits to you and you go public or it's over. He can't play you like this. At the moment he is having his cake and eating it.

isthatabloborwhat · 28/05/2019 14:11

Oh dear. You are the OW I'm afraid. He isn't in a proper relationship with you at all.

Original poster
bombaygin · 28/05/2019 14:12

@popsadaisy

You're right. We have had this issue come up time and time again. He doesn't want a relationship. He doesn't want the hassle. Yet he still wants the sex and emotional support...and I've accepted crumbs like the idiot I am.

God I feel rotten Sad

OP posts:
DerelictWreck · 28/05/2019 14:15

Taking your kid to the seaside together is completely reasonable and good behavior for split parents.

Hiding your relationship is dickish and I don't know why you put up with it?

Original poster
bombaygin · 28/05/2019 14:45

I guess the way he sees it is a choice between going public and loosing his son.

His son is going to come first.

Kids do and should come first.

I need to walk away. He's caused me enough heartbreak over the last few years. I just need to accept that we can never be together again, not really.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 28/05/2019 17:24

OP, I’m sorry for your pain.

He doesn’t have to bend to her threats. He won’t lose his son. He can see a solicitor for a legally binding consent order for contact or he can apply for a court order. Why hasn’t he?

He’s got you right where he wants you. You secretly provide love, sex and support while he does what he wants and lies by omission. When you question him, he calls you needy and reminds you that you’re not in a relationship.

You should not be tolerating his disregard and disrespect. Move on.

Original poster
bombaygin · 28/05/2019 17:54

@bigchris Thank you x

@MsDogLady

You've hit the nail on the head. He won't stand up to her and if I'm honest I think it's because he feels so threatened...and to me means he still cares what she thinks/how she feels. He wouldn't be able to afford courts etc but it does still seem like an excuse. He looks after the child loads through the week and virtually every weekend while she goes out and parties so I'm pretty sure she would feel a big loss of freedom if she cut ties.

Anyway, the main point here is respect or lack of it, for me.
I suppose officially were not an item, officially it's none of my business and officially he hasn't done anything wrong.

But I'm not comfortable with any of it. I guess others could be but I'm just not. I can tolerate a lot of stuff but I guess this just nails it for me. I'm so hurt. He hasn't even bothered to ask how I know or even tried to grovel his way out of it. I doubt even cares if he hears from me again.

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 28/05/2019 18:08

But I'm not comfortable with any of it. I guess others could be but I'm just not

Nobody would be comfortable being kept as a dirty little secret. You say he reminds you that you're not in a relationship when you get 'needy'. I assume he throws this at you when you ask where you stand/when can you go public etc.

As a pp said, he is having his cake and eating it.

Maybe ask him about mediation regarding access to his child. It is quicker and cheaper than going to court - if he has to that is. I suspect he is feeding you a line so he can have sex with the both of you, be a family with his partner and sob and shag you when he fancies something different.

You need to get rid of him for your mental health and wellbeing.

Whoknew2014 · 28/05/2019 18:22

So often we believe the terrible things they tell us about their "exes". If he is lying to her about something so significant, he could also be lying to you.

I'm sorry but if he isn't open about your relationship, it's because he doesn't want to be.

Don't let him blame her, she seems from your story to be a fairly full-time single mum of a two year old. Tough gig. I would not be ok as a secret after all this time.

Original poster
bombaygin · 28/05/2019 19:29

All our history going back 20 years.

We were engaged and lived together, he was step dad to my kids for a few years. After we lost the baby that was the end of us I suppose.

He found her. Now back to me but it's all on his terms, i still loved him but he just sees me as a convenient shag. I feel like utter shit.

I'm 40 but feel like a stupid little girl.
And I agree being a single mum is tough, I have 2 of my own. He's got us both wanting his attention hasn't he. His ego must be off the scale!

OP posts:
Original poster
bombaygin · 29/05/2019 00:28

I feel so sad. I can't sleep for thinking about everything Sad

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 29/05/2019 00:39

He wants to have his cake and eat it. Probably extra cake in different places neither you or his ex know about too.

It's not fair, but only you can say no.

FuriousVexation · 29/05/2019 01:29

I was going to make a flippant response along the lines of LTB but then I saw your last post.

Being with him (and not being acknowledged as his partner) has obvioulsy stirred up a lot of emotions from the past regarding your loss (for which I'm so sorry Flowers )

But is that a sign that the relationship has brought you more sadness than joy at this point (ie the last 18 months)?

From what you've described, it sounds like you're only getting the benefits of a casual/FWB arrangement, when actually you're yearning for something deeper. But you're never going to find it with this man. With regard to his ex, he's either a coward or a liar. Don't stick around to find out which.

Hope you get some sleep Flowers

Original poster
bombaygin · 29/05/2019 01:46

@FuriousVexation thank you....you are spot on, the last 18 months has really only been a FWB type thing when really I love him deeply and he knows this.

It has stirred up so much and it's been such a roller coaster of emotions. But he doesn't seem to feel the same way, it's like he has boxed the past up and packed it away.

I know I deserve better. I need to finally move on.

Going to try and sleep now. Thanks again Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
bombaygin · 29/05/2019 13:19

So confronted him today....he's very keen to know how I found out for one thing.

Also says that he wanted to give his son a day out but had no money for petrol and she has no car so they joined together.

He says he won't be dictated to about who he can spend time with.

I explained my concern was lack of honesty and respect. He says he doesn't see why he has to report his movements to me and I'm not being honest about how I found out.

Good god.

OP posts:
Whoknew2014 · 29/05/2019 13:25

Poor you. It's so hard when they just blame shift it straight back Ito you rather than addressing the real question.

He is being crystal clear that he's not going to give you what you want. Can you withdraw for a few days (without telling him that's what you are doing) to think through what you want?

Original poster
bombaygin · 29/05/2019 13:35

@Whoknew2014

He says he has done nothing wrong. He doesn't see my issue. I'm just going to leave it now. He's scared I'm going to tell her, so he can stew on that thought for a bit.

Maybe it's just me, I'm confused. I need some time to work out if it's an over reaction on my part or not. I just feel let down so much.

OP posts:
redwoodmazza · 29/05/2019 13:41

You sound as if you are the OW, I'm afraid.

MsDogLady · 29/05/2019 14:48

You are not overreacting, bombay.

How much longer are you going to tolerate being diminished by this man?

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