Opinions please

[bombaygin]

Back story so as not to drip feed:

Ex with many years history in and off. Lost a baby together. He left and got with young girl. They had a child together. Split when he was tiny and been single ever since. Back in my life for the last 18 months or so. I shouldn't have entertained him anyway after all that happened but I do still love him so it's hard. Anyway, we are not together publicly or anything but see each other behind closed doors and are in contact pretty much daily.

Their child is now just over 2years so still a baby really, he sends me pics of him and I'm happy he now has a son (we lost a boy)....obvious it's been hard for me but I've tried to be an adult about it all and I have my own kids and totally understand the need for parents to parent together even if they are separated.

There has been hospital trips, GP visits and even haircuts where my fella has been with her and his son to help keep him calm etc. All totally understandable even though it eats me up a bit secretly.

Anyway, I've just found out that they took him to the seaside together the other day. He didn't tell me. I found out though. So opinions please.....is this taking the piss or what?!

I could maybe see it as being a nice thing if this man was a totally new man in my life and the relationship with the ex was good and they were taking the toddler for his first trip there and he was upfront about it....BUT in this situation said man knows the score....he knows I would be hurt by this and yet he has hidden it from me?

And do people really do this? Take their child to the seaside together....it's not like a Xmas nativity or a parents evening is it...SOME things you do together for the sake of the kids others just over step the mark and blur the lines. I know what it's like, I interact with my own DC father so it's not like I'm alien to it all.

It's the secrecy and lies after all the hurt before. I'm gutted. He's told me before she wants him back as well. Not looking good is it.

But before I get angry at him I need some outside opinion. Please help.

Thank you

So he doesn't want to tell anyone about you, he doesn't want to tell you what he's doing or who with.. what about what you want?
It sounds like you want to be with him but that isn't going to happen. Not the way you want to anyway..
You've wasted enough time on him, i think you really need to move on from this guy, he sounds like an absolute loser.

@MsDogLady

You're right. I've sat here and thought it all over again and again. I've just realised the day they went he was messaging me a fair bit.

So that means he was blatantly in touch with me while in her company. Not fair to her let alone to me. So underhand and yet he's adamant he hasn't done anything wrong.

I just don't get it. I'm done.

You and this man have had around 20 years on and off in which to make your relationship together work, without the complications of him having a baby with someone else. You can't love someone into loving you back, all you're letting him do is emotionally bleed you dry and mess with your self esteem.

I'm glad to read you're done with this sorry situation. Speaking from experience once you meet a decent man who treats you properly you'll wonder how on earth you ever accepted anything less

Please cut him off. I'm 53 and on week 2 of nc with my ex, who has been in my life on and off for 28 years, but always on his terms. It is hard I know, but the advice I've had on here has really helped, it's from people who are impartial and honest. Its horrible to admit that the person you love has no respect for you but you have to walk away. After only 2 weeks my life is so much more peaceful

He is stringing you both along. Telling you that you aren't in a relationship with him, but staying in your life enough so that you can't have a relationship with anyone else.

You know this isn't going anywhere for you.

It probably isn't going anywhere for his other young girl either.

He is like a dog marking his territory - he wants you both to be 'his' women but he doesn't want to be 'your' man. It is time to be brave and cut him out of your life.

OP, he is toxic. Get him out of your life, he has no respect for you. He won’t be dictated to, so there, he’s telling you where you stand.

You’re right, children come first, but partners come a very close second and should have due consideration.

I think he's got two secret relationships. I'm sorry.

That she could stop him seeing his child is a great way to keep you complicit in the secret.

Be smart, end it. He's taking the piss.

Thank you all.

We have both ended it a few times before now but he always seems to creep back. Of course it is my fault for allowing it.

I don't think he uses her threats as a way to keep me secret; he has told me to go ahead and tell her....but then guilt trips me with what may be the consequences and how it will being trouble to my door aswell.

I know he can move on from me so it's not a way to keep me. But what is true is that anything I do have with him has to be on his terms or he's not playing. In other words I have to go along with his terms or I loose him which he knows will break my heart all over again. It's basically a case of me loving him and it not being reciprocated.

I can see that now. Part of me also thinks he struggles to see things from others perspectives, he just doesn't get why I'm upset ffs! Not even in the slightest.

It is all about respect. And he has none for me.

Totally agree with you @Ju2166, it's so hard to admit the truth to yourself. I'm so glad to hear you are doing so much better by going NC, it's such a hard thing to do. Looks like I need to follow suit.