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Original poster

Sub / Dom dating

36 replies

charliecaulkett · 28/05/2019 13:18

Hi,
Has anybody tried this? I’ve always been submissive but never really explored it. I’m a little nervous...are the guys on any online sites mostly genuine? Any recommendations on sites?
Thanks

OP posts:
chloechloeharris · 28/05/2019 13:38

just to clarify do you mean a sub/dom sexual relationship or a full romantic one?

ApplesOrangesPears · 28/05/2019 13:48

You need to be clear about what you want. My BF and I have a Dom/sub dynamic but for us, it confined to the bedroom only. Day to day we are just us and equal partners in our relationship. But some people live D/s 24/7.

Dipping your toe in can be difficult. Primarily because there are certain men who call themselves ‘Doms’ but are basically just abusive arseholes and think that being a Dom is carte blanche to treat women like shit with impunity. So tread carefully.

What I would really recommend is connecting with your local BDSM community IRL rather than online. If you live in or near a reasonably sized town or city, there are likely to be regular BDSM ‘munches’ (where you can get to know like minded folk in a non sexual setting). They are usually very welcoming of newbies and great for advising you on safe practises/who to avoid etc.

If you do decide to go online, you can look somewhere like fetlife. But like meeting anyone online, you need to make your personal safety a priority.

Moralitym1n1 · 28/05/2019 14:40

There's submissive, as in you enjoy/get turned on by being somewhat submissive during sex, without any pain, discomfort etc being inflicted on you ... Then there's the BDSM scene. While it may only involve painless, mild stuff; it usually doesn't.

Ive seen a few women who enjoy submission during sex (to a relatively mild degree in the context of the BDSM scene) try hooking up with doms - and found out what the Dom expected was a lot more than they imagined, and they really did not enjoy it. In fact they were scared during it and traumatised afterward.

A lot of women seem to have a submissive side sexually - that doesn't mean we need or want to get into the extremes of the BDSM scene. Many men are very happy to include some restraining, mild bondage, spanking, dirty talk, mild domination etc in sex.

Moralitym1n1 · 28/05/2019 14:42

Also there is a great deal of abuse wrapped up in that scene, much of which women are too far into recognise as abuse until later.

There's all the safe word, boundary, rules shit - which people can very easily override and not be too worried about the consequences for them.

charlotteOxford · 28/05/2019 15:18

Many thanks for all of the advice!
I’m only talking about sexual submissiveness. I like being my own person and wouldn’t give that up! I guess mostly it’s the restraining, teasing and spanking that are the main drivers behind it.

Moralitym1n1 · 28/05/2019 15:25

I'd ask a 'regular' bf/partner to do it, personally I wouldn't be going near that scene. People have a romanticised, naive view of what it's like.

Moralitym1n1 · 28/05/2019 15:27

If he's a bit unimaginative, pint him at literature/porn etc that has what you'd like him to do.

Moralitym1n1 · 28/05/2019 15:27

*point

twattymctwatterson · 28/05/2019 15:32

Name change fail op? Were you aware there's a sex topic?

BoxOfBabyCheeses · 28/05/2019 15:49

Hi OP, I would recommend websites like Fetlife. Not to meet someone, but to find out about local munches as PP suggested. I live in a small town and I met my DH on the website and got to know him through 4 different munches in surrounding towns/cities.

The people I met were really understanding and supportive. They were also very protective of the newbies. I think before you get involved with someone you need to decide exactly what you want and what you don't want.

Good luck Wink

RagingWhoreBag · 28/05/2019 16:02

restraining, teasing and spanking aren’t exactly BDSM/ D/s activities.

I think you’d be better off just looking for a regular relationship - most men who have watched a bit of porn in other words, all of them will be more than happy to spank you and tie you up, pull your hair and spit in your face, whether you want them to or not. It’s considered pretty middle of the road these days to enjoy that sort of thing.

For it to be considered a kink it probably has to end in hospital, given what blokes seem to get away with these days (including the defence that murder = “sex game gone wrong” ) Sad

Save yourself a load of grief and just ask a relatively normal bloke to

RagingWhoreBag · 28/05/2019 16:03

...do it!

Sorry missed the last two words Grin

Maybeitsjustmeor · 28/05/2019 16:17

Some people are naturals at this. I've had bfs in the past who were terrible partners but did all those things really well.
Kind of hope it's not always the case. Love my partner that I have now but ask him to do anything like this and it's so meh lol

It's harder than people are making out asking a regular dude to do this stuff as the really loving people don't want to hurt their partners and can be really awkward if it does not come naturally. I think the showing porn or material of some kind that you would like to happen is a good idea just might take a while but it's not worth throwing yourself at the whims of fetlife

2LitreBottle · 28/05/2019 17:10

It's harder than people are making out asking a regular dude to do this stuff as the really loving people don't want to hurt their partners

But OP isn’t talking about being hurt, just teased and ‘spanked’ which is about as tame as it gets!

HalyardHitch · 28/05/2019 17:16

I once met a bloke from fet life. We met in a pub for drinks. Had a great time. Dabbled with the d/s stuff. He's now my DH. Despite him being "the dom" he's a normal bloke. He's currently downstairs with our two children cooking dinner while I'm in the bath.

Fet life does have some creeps, as does any site. Take the usual precautions.

HalyardHitch · 28/05/2019 17:19

Just read your update OP. Maybe don't venture on to fet. It's not particularly just for teasing and tying up

rememberatime · 28/05/2019 17:35

Ive dabbled with this and a true Dom may be very kind outside of the "play" but may change significantly during. But if he understands your needs and wants he will be very careful about your feelings - while also working on your softer boundaries. It's a confusing thing if you're not too sure about it.

Research is your friend.

I broke contact with my Dom as I stopped trusting him. His personal life exposed some quite sexist beliefs that I couldn't accept.

How ever I have another partner who is into BDSM and he is great - lovely and kind and always asks permission about everything. He was ideal as an introduction.

Moralitym1n1 · 28/05/2019 20:02

But OP isn’t talking about being hurt, just teased and ‘spanked’

Exactly - that's the problem with women venturing into the BDSM scene because they feel sexually submissive - something like 67% of women who did a sex survey in Canada, i think, reported feeling sexually submissive. I'd actually say it's average. And it's not on the same planet as the BDSM scene.

As for asking a 'regular' partner to do what op likes, ime most men will. 'nice' men who've been raised to think they should be 'respectful' to women, gentle etc will be inhibited about it at first - until they realise it's ok with the woman ..then they generally come out if their she'll bigtime. Soms may not obviously, but I don't think op will have a big search to find one who will.

Moralitym1n1 · 28/05/2019 20:03

*shell

agirlhasnonameX · 28/05/2019 20:31

I understand what people are saying here OP, but I wouldn't go out looking for a 'regular' guy to restrain you, if I was you.
If you're just looking for no strings fun, I would still look for someone with previous experience who knows what they are doing.
Even bondage can go wrong very quickly and I wouldn't play with it with anyone you don't know and trust, even if that's as far as you want to take it.

First though, as pp have said, do loads and loads of research and don't take the same precautions when meeting someone online, take extra.

ApplesOrangesPears · 28/05/2019 20:50

I would still look for someone with previous experience who knows what they are doing.
Even bondage can go wrong very quickly and I wouldn't play with it with anyone you don't know and trust, even if that's as far as you want to take it

I 100% agree with this. I don’t want a ‘vanilla’ guy whose ‘training’ has consisted of watching some dodgy porn to restrain me. I want someone who knows what they’re doing. My Dom is experienced in bondage, knows how to tie me up so that there isn’t pressure on my joints, knows the warning signs to look out for and takes all safety precautions. As a sub, handing over power to someone else and allowing them to tie you up and hit you involves a lot of trust (even if you really enjoy it!) and I would never trust someone inexperienced. As agirl says, even ‘mild’ bondage/spanking has the potential to go very wrong very quickly. I would never put myself in the hands of someone who doesn’t really know what they’re doing.

Moralitym1n1 · 28/05/2019 21:39

If op's talking about having her hands tied eg above her head or behind her back during sex/foreplay with a neck tie or stocking or something; I think an ordinary bloke of average intelligence could probably manage that without injuring her.

She doesn't need to get into the BDSM scene to do that, even if it's the 'lighter' end.

'Vanilla' men, who haven't done an informal course in bondage, consent etc manage to restrain (in a basic manner), spank, dominate etc their partners every day of the week without causing any problems; it's common sense and common decency. If they haven't got either of those, you shouldn't be shagging them in the first place.

Moralitym1n1 · 28/05/2019 21:43

I could be wrong but I get the impression op would be better doing this as part of her sex life with a partner, whom she has a loving, trusting, playful, familiar relationship with; not someone off the internet from a particular lifestyle group.

agirlhasnonameX · 29/05/2019 07:26

If op's talking about having her hands tied eg above her head or behind her back during sex/foreplay with a neck tie or stocking or something;
It's not common sense to know how to restrain someone without injuring them. If using plastic handcuffs from Anne Summers fine, but anything else has the risk of losing circulation- which can be quite horrendous and it wouldn't be the first time broken bones or fractures occurred. Scarfs or neck ties are not going to be comfortable and will probably cut OP, give friction burn, be hard to tie with enough restraint but so they can be removed quickly. On top of this, when using restraints, role play is sometimes happening and someone who isn't clued up on consent can very easily miss cues to stop.

Of course it's better to do this with someone you love and trust, but if she is going to meet someone off the Internet anyway, as apples said, some guy that watches dodgy porn isn't going to be a good candidate.

Shitonthebloodything · 29/05/2019 09:33

Just wanted to add my tuppence here for what it's worth.
DP and I are Trying New Things after a bit of a drought and I've recently joined fetlife to look at the forum posts for ideas etc on advice from old threads dug up on here (very much not for the dating side of the site - not our thing!) And I have to say that in your position I would avoid it like the fucking plague!
We have a vague interest in trying D/s for fun but I've seen things on there that I can never unsee and I'm pretty open minded. I was waaaay out if my depth! As someone inexperienced in the BDSM scene I can't help but feel you'd be like a lamb to the slaughter opening yourself up to some of the people on there.

I think friendly gatherings of kinky inclined people are called Munches as mentioned above. Why not give one of those a go and see what you think it even better, someone more like-minded who will experiment with you on the same level. I think what you're looking for would be considered very tame and most would be willing to give that a try within an already good relationship.