Sub / Dom dating

[charliecaulkett]

Hi,
Has anybody tried this? I’ve always been submissive but never really explored it. I’m a little nervous...are the guys on any online sites mostly genuine? Any recommendations on sites?
Thanks

Fetlife is the obvious place if you're wanting an introduction to bdsm parties, clubs and "the lifestyle", and munches are a good call to meet people. (They'll be very friendly, but you'd need to keep your head screwed on).

If you're just looking for a bit of slap and tickle, you'll find that fairly easily in vanilla dating.

If using plastic handcuffs from Anne Summers fine, but anything else has the risk of losing circulation- which can be quite horrendous and it wouldn't be the first time broken bones or fractures occurred. Scarfs or neck ties are not going to be comfortable and will probably cut OP, give friction burn, be hard to tie with enough restraint but so they can be removed quickly.

FFS - unless I'm picking op up wrongly, she's not looking for someone to restrain her so she can't move a millimetre - it is possible to loosely restrain someone with a necktie or scarf or stocking without potential injury - many of us have done it, many times. This is completely ott.

Also they can just hold you hands up,behind your back etc. And let go if you ask & on the consent issue, as I said if you don't trust them, have good communication, aren't comfortable etc. You shouldn't be doing anything in the first place.

And I'm not talking about meeting some randomer online who's watched porn (!) I'm suggesting op get into a relationship the usual way and asknhef partner to do it, showing him what she means if he does not 'get' if himself.

• ask her partner

Fetlife has its share of wingnuts, bores and whinyarses (but maybe slightly fewer unsolicited dick pics than mainstream dating sites.) What is is good for is finding out what social events are going on near you, whether that's munches, markets (my top recommendation for beginners BTW: you can really dip a toe in without getting lumbered with some idiot or other at a market where you are walking around looking at stuff.) Or maybe a newbie-friendly club.
Here are the most essential bits of advice I would give anyone starting out:
You do not have to do anything you do not want to do. Anyone who talks about 'pushing limits' and 'getting out of your comfort zone' or 'real submission' by which they mean letting them do things to you that you don't fancy, is an idiot and needs to be told to fuck right off.
Make friends with people, don't just scrabble around looking for the Perfect Partner. If you are a submissive woman, look for other submissive women to pal up with and try to get friendly with a range of people.
If someone offers to be your 'protector' tell them to fuck off. This is a well-known creepy-man trick.

FFS - unless I'm picking op up wrongly, she's not looking for someone to restrain her so she can't move a millimetre
Well that's what restraint is, if you can untie yourself it's not really restraint.

Maybe I'm picking her up wrong too though, she's not really said much other than she likes the thought of being restrained etc and hasn't mentioned looking for a permanent or serious partner, so I was trying to advise her based on the idea that she might go out looking for someone on the internet just to do this with. Her OP suggested so. And if she does find vanilla men who want to try it, yes she is likely to come across men who think they know what they're doing based on porn. That's why there is an increasing amount of men slapping and spitting on women without prior discussion, they think it's the norm and it shouldn't be.

Not saying Doms are flawless either, obviously you have to be careful either way and agree that building a strong bond, trust and openness is far better and safer.

Not saying Doms are flawless either.

No, there are plenty of twats and users and predators in the bdsm scene, same as vanilla. Often masquerading as "enlightened" and experienced. The advice to make friends with other subs and get to know the people not just potential partners if trying out the scene is very good.

Anyone who talks about 'pushing limits' and 'getting out of your comfort zone' or 'real submission'
This too is great advice. Same goes for anyone who says they have no limits or that you shouldn't, doesn't want to spend a decent length of time talking about consent and what you're comfortable with doing and anyone who demands anything from you or talks to you in a disrespectful manner because 'your his/her sub now' should be avoided like the plague.

Myself and DP have a Dom/sub sexual relationship but in everything it's equality all the way with safe words.

You'll find a wealth of information on www.fetlife.com

I'd personally be very wary of "Dom" men on online dating sites, a lot of them are sadistic bastards looking for a power trip and often have extreme patterns of BDSM such as choking, anal, no safe words. I'd steer well clear, it's not worth the risk.

Also, watch out for all those whangers and losers who insist that you have to be into, specifically, ds ie dominance and submission. It's fine just to want to play around with a bit of spanking and sex shop handcuffs: you don't have to take it incredibly seriously or do all that protocal 'call me sir/master' stuff if you find it silly or unerotic - or disturbing. It's supposed to be a fun hobby, that's all. Even if you take the 'game' seriously while you are playing it it's still a game. People who insist it's not a game are usually fuckups.

Well that's what restraint is, if you can untie yourself it's not really restraint.

Restraint to me is anything that keeps you in place/stops you from getting away from someone - to whatever degree people want to take it. It could be as mild as someone hugging you eg from behind it holding your arms/hands above your head during sex in a way that doesn't let you move easily.

And when it comes to tying up,let's face it - in non BDSM scenarios, it's generally a pretence of restraint.

*as someone hugging you eg from behind or holding your arms/hands above your head during sex in a way that doesn't let you move easily.