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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Caught out

43 replies

BeepBeepBop1 · 28/05/2019 07:05

So I've just discovered my bf of 1 year has been lying and cheating. He claims to work away during the week but is actually with his "estranged" wife and kids. Weekends when he has the kids I don't see him but he's with them. I've gave him all the chances under the sun to admit it, but he thinks he's so clever lying. Unfortunately one of his friends messaged me and provided evidence. He doesn't know I know, I'm broken but deciding how to play this out. Do I just present him with all the facts? I've decided to inform his wife as I feel sorry for her being cheated on as well.

We work in similar circles so I'm not going to hide from anyone but I'm not going to air dirty laundry in public either. I just can't believe I was stupid enough to believe his shit. I've had suspicions but he always had a plausible excuses but now it's so obvious looking back. He's emotionally abusive and controlling but I don't think he'll see this coming. I want to be able to be strong enough to confront him without him twisting and turning the facts.

OP posts:

Daffodil2018 · 28/05/2019 07:08

What are you hoping to achieve by confronting him? Presumably you are kicking him to the curb in which case all you have to do is say that you're dumping him as you know he's still with his wife. If he puts any kind of pressure on you at all you can threaten to tell her and see how he reacts.

Original poster

BeepBeepBop1 · 28/05/2019 07:10

@Daffodil2018 I want him to know I know the truth about his lies. Definitely kicking him to the curb, drop kicking if I was strong enough. I just don't get how people do this? Just be a man and admit instead of lying to two people!

OP posts:

Rocketgirl1 · 28/05/2019 07:11

You know what you need to know. You just need to end it.

ThinkWittyThoughts · 28/05/2019 07:43

You can do all of this very easily.

When he's next with you, send a message to his wife with evidence.

Tell him "I know. It's over. Leave now."

Take a big sigh of relief and move on.

It's a shitty situation, don't waste another minute on this lying, cheating scumbag

Original poster

BeepBeepBop1 · 28/05/2019 07:50

@ThinkWittyThoughts I really like your idea. I think I'll do it that way and then close the door on everything at once. He is shitty and hopefully the karma bus hits him (and reverses)

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 28/05/2019 07:53

Maybe that is why he's estranged from his wife.

Since you're the OW, I seriously doubt his wife would want to hear from you.

I'd dump him by text and delete and block him. That is the most he deserves.

RantyAnty · 28/05/2019 07:55

I wouldn't do it in person. He may turn violent towards you. You said he was abusive.

Get an STD test as you have no idea who he's been with.

Original poster

BeepBeepBop1 · 28/05/2019 07:57

I would just cut and go but he's got keys to my house, I need those back.

It's horrible to admit but he has made me the OW which is sickening

OP posts:

Rocketgirl1 · 28/05/2019 08:02

I would do it quietly if he is likely to kick off.

Original poster

BeepBeepBop1 · 28/05/2019 08:07

I live with two friends so I will make sure I'm not alone in the house. He will be a bit scared to kick off as the fallout would affect his career, he's not violent (that I know of) and if he did anything like that the police would be called immediately.

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/05/2019 08:08

Go to B+Q or similar, buy new locks, see Youtube for the easy way to do it. Then you don't ave to worry about him having keys.

Text him. Tell him you don't appreciate being taken for a mug and that he is to leave you alone.

Text her. Explain the situation, apologise and reassure her that as soon as you knew you dealt with it and dumped him. Maybe tell her that his friends are aware as they are the ones who told you the truth of the situation. That might sound cruel, but, having been the bearer of similar bad news, it was easier in the lng run when the wife knew that many people were aware. Yes, she felt humiliated, but she used that to stay angry and get rid of him.

Bluntness100 · 28/05/2019 08:08

Since you're the OW, I seriously doubt his wife would want to hear from you

Jesus. She's hardly the ow on purpose. He's cheating on both of them. I usually don't advocate telling, and I wouldn't tell if he may go on to make her life miserable or cause her pain. But if she thinks he won't do that then I am fairly sure the wife deserves to know. As long as she doesn't do it anonymously.

But telling her not to tell because the wife wouldn't wish to hear from the ow is weird.

marl · 28/05/2019 08:10

I would do it briefly and then cut all contact. If you can keep to that and not engage in any 'drama' conversations with him I'm sure that will be the worst punishment of all for him. Men like this thrive on lots of attention. He will be aghast that you can cut and not look back. It will emphasise that he is not worth the attention and you have moved on, immediately, because he is not what you thought he was. Hard to discipline yourself not to express your outrage by engaging in conversations but if you can do it. I think it is powerful.

RantyAnty · 28/05/2019 08:19

I said that because maybe the wife already knows he is cheating. Is it possible the friend has also told her since he told you?

and yes to change your locks and dump quickly by text. He'll know exactly why.

Original poster

BeepBeepBop1 · 28/05/2019 08:24

I don't know if she knows or not. I'm not going to hide myself from her or anyone. I'll let her know and cut all contact with him. People we work with all believe the lies he's been telling them too that he's separated and with me.

His friend hasn't said if he's told her and I'm still confused how they found me on FB as he doesn't have it so there's no connection, unless he told him about it. I just feel like a right dick

OP posts:

elizalovelace · 28/05/2019 10:49

Op did you post last week with your suspicions, as you found he was visiting 'estranged' ex and his kids by seeing his car there?
Only ask as if that was you didn't you send ex a message but had no reply? Sorry if it wasnt you, but there was a similar thread last week.

Original poster

BeepBeepBop1 · 28/05/2019 11:36

@elizalovelace no that wasn't me. What was that thread called as it is similar. So many snakes out there!

OP posts:

wowfudge · 28/05/2019 11:43

Just change the lock barrels at home and get keys copied for your housemates. You can't trust this man not to have had the keys copied anyway.

End the relationship at a distance or on neutral ground somewhere where he'll have to behave himself then block and delete. If he makes contact, tell him to stop as you don't want to hear from him. If he then persists that is harassment and you can go to the police over it.

Tell your friends you have ended things and that if he contacts any of them, not to engage with him.

NameChangeNugget · 28/05/2019 13:23

End by text and move on.

Original poster

BeepBeepBop1 · 28/05/2019 13:36

Well door locks changed, message drafted to his wife (still waiting for the courage to do it) and message sent to him. Blocked completely on everything. Thanks everyone for your advice and help. I believe in karma and he'll get his

OP posts:

Whatisthisfuckery · 28/05/2019 13:44

Good for you OP. He’s a shit.

wowfudge · 28/05/2019 16:08

Good for you. I know of someone who only found out her fiance was leading a double life when she saw his wedding photo (yes, he married the other woman he had been seeing at the same time) in a local paper!

Original poster

BeepBeepBop1 · 28/05/2019 17:01

@wowfudge omg that's shocking. Lucky for me I've only wasted a year!

OP posts:

wowfudge · 28/05/2019 17:15

It's only wasted if you don't learn from it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/05/2019 17:20

Well door locks changed, message drafted to his wife (still waiting for the courage to do it) and message sent to him.

Well done@BeepBeepBop1. Good idea to change the locks as he could always have had a copy made.

What a horrible thing to discover. And yes, you should let his wife know so she can decide whether or not she wants the little weasel in her life.

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