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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Perspective needed please

35 replies

Jammymare · 27/05/2019 21:28

Sorry for the ramble, I just need somewhere to hit it all out. Boyfriend of 18 months announced today he feels trapped and pressured into marriage and needs some space apart.
This is our first actual argument and has come completely out of the blue from my point of view. I think he is the sort to let things build up into a big deal, rather than sorting them out as and when, he’s always been really easygoing previously.
Saw his mum on Saturday, and she outright asked him when we were planning on getting married. Went shopping this morning and I made a joke about looking at rings. Then this afternoon it all came out about how pressured he is feeling.
I’ve always made it clear that I won’t wait for a proposal forever and say I’ll ask him in February on the 29th as a bit of a running joke between us. We’ve discussed what sort of wedding each of us would like and I was about to put my house on the market to trial living together before we bought somewhere jointly. He’s never expressed any opinions about wanting to wait longer or being unsure.
Now my whole future feels like it is imploding. I don’t really know how to proceed apart from just giving him some space, but in the other hand I’m angry and feel this is a pretty cowardly thing for him to do, and not how I expect to be treated.

OP posts:
marvellousnightforamooncup · 27/05/2019 21:44

Slow down. Sounds like you're railroading him into marriage. You both need to be sure about it. 18 months isn't long at all.

Why are you selling your house? Can't you rent it out while you trial live together? What happens if your relationship goes tits up?

TokyoSushi · 27/05/2019 21:46

Slow down! Don't sell your house! 18 months really isn't that long.

pictish · 27/05/2019 21:52

Oh no. I think he’s been swept along by you a bit and is getting overwhelmed. I’m not going to say you’ve railroaded him into anything because I’m sure you haven’t...but you do sound quite driven.

MagicalTwinky · 27/05/2019 21:53

Slow down, 18 months is hardly a long time in the grand scheme of things! I'm not surprised he feels a bit pressured if he's got you and his mum badgering him to propose. It's clear that currently you guys aren't on the same page. Could he perhaps move in with you whilst you trial living together, rather than you selling your house immediately?

Original poster
Jammymare · 27/05/2019 22:00

Mine’s shared ownership so I can’t rent it out, his is freehold, but in a much better location for both of us.
Previous relationship I waited for nearly a decade for commitment, now I’m the wrong side of 30 and the advice on here has been to establish early on in the relationship that we both want the same things, and not to risk not having children by waiting around!
I don’t understand why, if he’s worried everything is being rushed, he’s felt unable to say anything before? I thought we communicated well. We haven’t exactly rushed things, building up from seeing each other once a week to 3/4 nights. We had a 3 week holiday in Feb travelling and staying in air bnb and we got on so well. Just feel so shocked and not sure how to proceed

OP posts:
AquaUnderAqua7 · 27/05/2019 22:21

He is telling you loud & clear that he feels under pressure
He wants time & space to think
Perhaps he is happy to have you as a girlfriend, but no a wife ?
Do you both want children ?

bluebell34567 · 27/05/2019 22:28

18 months is not early to decide.
you are not the only one mentioning marriage, his mother doing it, too.
but he seems unsure.
you need to explain to him that you want kids soon and he must decide.

Thymeout · 28/05/2019 01:27

It sounds as if his mother's remark and you talking about rings has brought something to a head. The fact that you're about to put your house on the market means he had to say something now. If I were him, I'd be worried that, if the trial living together didn't work, you'd be left in a difficult position and I'd be blamed for letting you do it.

He's really not sure he wants to get married, either yet or to you or both. There's a lot about 'joking' in your discussions with him about the future.
It might be that it's been a bit of a shock to discover that you were serious and the situation has got out of hand.

18 months isn't very long. He's not under the same biological pressure as you. And quite probably hasn't had the same sort of history. It's no one's fault, but you're not on the same page here.

Let him have his space and see what happens. There's nothing you can do to influence him and you'll make it worse if you try.

Sorry to be a bit cool-headed about this. I can see that it must be devastating for you. Mixed messages on both sides, I think.

AquaUnderAqua7 · 28/05/2019 01:58

Perhaps he wants to make his OWN decision, in his own time
Potentially, this could be the next 50+ years of his life

DuchessOfRednecks · 28/05/2019 02:35

Give him a lot of space. But not more than a month. If after 1 month of space he is still not on the same page then you know where you are. Which helps you prioritise. Id take yr house off the market

Aquamarine1029 · 28/05/2019 02:46

If he had a bullhorn he couldn't be telling you any louder or clearer that he is NOT READY for a proposal or marriage. His mother sticking her nose in certainly hasn't helped. Quite frankly, the two of you are scaring him to death.

You need to get to grips very quickly that this man may not be part of your future. You are not on the same page at all, and the most foolish thing you can do is marry a man who only does so because he feels pressured to.

LadyMinerva · 28/05/2019 04:12

Is it marriage or him that you want? If it's marriage and it doesn't matter who you marry then move on and find what you are looking for. If it's him you want to be with, married or not, ease up on the pressure and let him decide for himself what he wants, when he wants it.

If you and his mother keep up with the pressure and he marries you, he will end up resenting you.

I've been waiting for a proposal for 12 years but, as much as I would like to be married, I would rather be with my DP unmarried than married to someone else.

Original poster
Jammymare · 28/05/2019 06:06

Thanks everyone. My house isn’t even on the market yet, so no issues there. It’s not as though I’ve been trying to rush him up the aisle, we had a holiday to a very romantic destination at valentines and friends were dropping wedding hints. I let him know then that I really wanted to live together before I committed to marrying him, so please don’t propose on holiday. He’s the one who always said he wanted the traditional white dress and church. I just want to be married before I have children.
Obviously the communication in our relationship isn’t as good as I thought.

OP posts:
category12 · 28/05/2019 06:19

But why doesn't he move in with you to trial living together even if it's a bit inconvenient for a while? Seems foolish for you to sell up.

Original poster
Jammymare · 30/05/2019 08:26

I don’t know what to do, I’ve not heard from him since Monday. I’ve been sitting on my hands trying to stop myself messaging him. He’s not been in contact with anyone as I am fielding messages from siblings and friends where he hasn’t responded to them. How much longer do I give him?!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 30/05/2019 09:21

As long as he needs.
It's only been a few days.
He will probably need a couple of weeks.
Slow down a bit.
Keep busy.
Get out and about with your friends and family.
Enjoy your time alone.
Wait for him to come to you.
If he doesn't bother after a couple of weeks then I think you need to assume it's over.

Ellisandra · 30/05/2019 10:09

“Jokes” about looking for rings are never jokes.

I think you’re doing the right thing stating what you want from a relationship.

But - poor guy! He can’t go on holiday without his friends chipping in about weddings. His mum asks him outright. His girlfriend “jokes” about ring shopping, and has a “running joke” about Feb 29th. You don’t have a running joke, one of you doesn’t find it funny.

Interesting that you say you THINK he lets things build up, and was previously laid back. There should be no THINK about that - if you don’t know that about him, you don’t know him well enough to get married.

I’d tell him that you’re only interested in a long term relationship and marriage, and that if he’s not - you’re bailing now. Tell him if he is, then you will not “joke” about marriage - but you also won’t indulge if he talks about the wedding he wants, either. Promise him a united front to mother and friends - that you both will say “we don’t like people going on about it, please stop”. Set yourself a timescale - explicitly with him if you want - 6 mo the living together and then you get married or you split up.

Original poster
Jammymare · 30/05/2019 15:21

How am I supposed to tell him anything when he is completely ignoring me? I asked if he wanted to split on Monday and he said no, I asked if he wanted me to take my stuff then and he said no, but he also said that he’d speak to me later that day and I’ve had no contact. We have plans for this weekend together, which I assume I need to cancel. Hate this feeling of being in limbo, my anxiety is through the roof

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 30/05/2019 15:26

I think you really shouldn't contact him now. He's gone off to think about things, so let him do that. There is nothing worse than someone badgering you when you're trying to think things through. Let him come to you. Don't send a message, don't call. Just carry on your daily life and see what happens. I know it's hard to do - call your friends for support but don't call him.

HollowTalk · 30/05/2019 15:26

What are the plans for the weekend?

Original poster
Jammymare · 30/05/2019 15:35

Dog training Saturday morning, and a litter picking fundraiser on Sunday.
Luckily no evening plans this weekend.

OP posts:
Outanabout · 30/05/2019 15:49

LadyMinerva you're a better man than I am, Gunga Din. I can't imagine waiting around for 12 years and justifying it. 😣

Pinkflowersx · 30/05/2019 15:56

18 months is more than enough time to know if you want the same things...sounds like you don't or/and your timing is not the same.
Also do you really want to be with a person (for the rest of your life) who....1. doesn't communicate with you and does a runner? 2. that causes you stress and anxiety because they have gone silent?

He sounds immature and you need a grown man to marry not a kid.

To me it sounds like you want different things and you could do better.

For anyone saying poor guy /he needs space MASSIVE RED FLAG! everyone, including you, are having to second guess a grown adult who hasn't got enough maturity to talk to you and own up to not wanting the same things as you. Besides he has a voice if he felt it was going to fast it's up to him to tell you.

you'll get back together on his terms and 18 months in the future when you want a proposal he'll do this again.

Someoneontheweb · 30/05/2019 16:32

I wouldn't be happy, it's one thing to want to slow down and think about things, a very different one to leave you in a limbo and with no contact since Monday. It shows disregard for your feelings imo.

ChristmasFluff · 30/05/2019 17:06

18 months too soon to move in????? No it isn't. It's a perfectly normal timescale for a relationship.

I strongly suspect he doesn't want to get more serious with you, and this request for 'space' is his way of letting you down gently. @Pinkflowersx has it exactly right.

Personally, I'd cut my losses and end this now. You are worth more than being someone's 'until someone better comes along' person, or their fallback girl.