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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How have I ended up married to my FIL?

27 replies

Chopbob · 27/05/2019 20:42

I love my dh. I really do...but I've just found my patience wearing a little thin with him recently.

He's always been a kind, thoughtful , intelligent person who will do anything for our family.

My FIL on the other hand is a difficult personality to get along with. He has very strong political, religious and social opinions. He thinks himself very well educated and is very outspoken.
He also believes he can speak to people terribly at times as he "tells it like it is" or "has a dry sense of humour". He also treats women- my MIL especially- as inferior.
I despise the way he dominates my MIL all the time. I have seen him throw a full blown tantrum like a toddler about inconsequential things.
He is rude to me, my family and my friends.
My dh tells of a very cold relationship with his father growing up. His father was very academic and had no time for playing football or going to clubs which I find very sad as I had a very warm and involved parents.

Needless to say I don't have a fantastic relationship with this man and we are very low contact and I have no plans to change that.

However, since being together with dh for some 20+ years, I have noticed his behaviour slowly starting to mirror his father.
Some of the time he is still a kind, loving and empathetic dh. But part of the time he has become controlling and unfeeling with me and dc.
Just over the last 12m or so he has begun to gaslight me or a regular basis about minor things. He will argue day is night.
He also sulks if he feels he's not had enough attention, or even worse sex.
He has started to throw tantrums at the most minor of things, even in front of the kids which I will not tolerate.
He has started to tell home truths...the same as FIL. He will hurt feelings readily in the guise of being truthful.

I've always been a strong character and at first I would argue back, but experience has now revealed this is pointless. Now I just ignore the behaviour and do not rise to it.

This is not how I want to live my life! I will not tread on eggshells forever.

We have been to counselling and it was mentioned that dh could be on the autistic spectrum. This was also brought up in childhood too but PIL didn't want to persue it. I don't want to be angry at him but I don't know where possible autistic behaviour ends and just being a twat begins???

Sorry for the massive long post but I just don't know where I go from here. 90% of the time he is the man I married but I cannot accept this behaviour for much longer

OP posts:
Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 27/05/2019 20:45

Being neurodivergent is not a reason to be an arsehole. He is responsible for his relationships...or lack thereof...

PicsInRed · 27/05/2019 20:51

at first I would argue back, but experience has now revealed this is pointless. Now I just ignore the behaviour and do not rise to it.

You must see that you are becoming your MIL.
Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 27/05/2019 20:53

Sorry, but I have to say this Flowers
You do not suddenly become autistic, you are born that way.
And autitic does not equate asshole.
And autistic does not mean "giving home truths", that would imply the rules transgressed or ignored are known. They (we) tend to state the obvious without realizing that there is a norm, rule, piece of etiquette we are ignoring and usually feel bad when told about it.

PicsInRed · 27/05/2019 20:56

The OP clearly stated that autism was suspected in childhood, but ignored by the PILs.

Autism doesn't mean arsehole, but it can equate with being difficult to live with.

Calmingvibrations · 27/05/2019 21:26

It can’t be autism as that wouldn’t suddenly just appear!
Depending on his age, he could have some frontal lobe atrophy (are we talking behavioural change due to organic brain changes - eg dementia) or he really is just turning into an assh0le because he wants to (or rather, doesn’t want to have to think about others feelings).

Is he stressed? Any trigger for the change?

To be honest, I think you do need to start getting angry. Does he know how upset you are with his behaviour. And does he actually acknowledge he’s changed?

I say this as my OH wouldn’t take hints, he’d need it spelt out to him in clear terms for it to be taken on board.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 27/05/2019 21:28

When dh started acting a miserable twat like his df I started calling him by fil's name.
And I put a stop to all sexual activities as I said it would be like shagging fil.
Very quickly saw positive results...

Myyearmytime · 27/05/2019 21:32

Please remember your kid are seeing thus behaviour and will in behave like this to their partners

wonderwhat · 28/05/2019 06:49

Do not put up with this. He is turning you into your MIL

Shoxfordian · 28/05/2019 06:57

He sounds like a knob
Don't put up with his shit

SunshineCake · 28/05/2019 07:11

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge

Very good!

flumpybear · 28/05/2019 07:14

Lol @Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge

I was going to say tell him he's behaving like his dad - very unattractive

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 28/05/2019 07:23

Autism is not a license to be rude and cruel.

That sounds awful. What has he said when you confronted him about his change in behaviour?

I wonder if it would be worth exploring whether there is any medical reason (other than autism) for his gradual change in demeanour and behaviour? Depression can present like this. How old is DH? Early stage dementia can also first appear as a change of personality.

MrsBertBibby · 28/05/2019 07:45

I imagine the autism query in his childhood was actually raised by behaviours caused by being raised in such a dysfunctional family unit.

Autistic people don't suddenly lose the ability to behave with kindness and empathy, any more than neuro-typical people do. The counsellor you went to see is rubbish if they think they can 'spot' autism like this.

PooTodd · 28/05/2019 07:53

Hi OP. This has happened with my husband too - after 20 years of marriage, he's gone from being the complete opposite of his sulky, moody, competitive, lying dad, to a carbon copy of him. I'm now married to my FIL. It was insidious and it suddenly struck me several months ago as he tutted and sighed for maybe the 20th time that day, that he's now the irritable and gloomy person his father was. He used to being me so much fun and happiness, and now he just sucks the joy out of everything. He's a dementor.

junebirthdaygirl · 28/05/2019 08:13

Your fil was probably nice too at one stage or your poor mil wouldn't have married him. Look at his wedding pictures and see a lovely happy carefree guy.
The only way your dh will change is if he gets an awareness himself of his unreasonable behaviour.
I agree with calling him by fils name eg l say to dh ...good man Tom ( not fils real name) when he acts like his dad and he hates it but it does pull him up short and checks the behaviour for that time.
I think a lot of men start to turn into their fathers which is fine if dad was a kind gentle man. My own dad was a gentle man for ever and my sils say lm glad l married a guy like your dad. But if he is a bully the sons needs a lot of awareness or counselling to rein it in.
There is a good book called Emotional Blackmail by Susan Foreward ( l think) which has a lot of very helpful tips for not falling into the trap of giving in for a quiet life.
Also l find it useful once a year to put my hands on my hips and totally let rip as my dh has a tendency to be some of the things you mentioned. As l am usually a very easy going person the shock of that let's home see he is over my line and l will not tolerate it.
Step up. Maybe have counselling yourself as you will learn strategies for being more assertive

MsTSwift · 28/05/2019 08:19

Omg poo your post is terrifying fil is the dullest most negative man I have ever met I think of him as a dementor. After half an hour with him any good mood is gone. Dh is the polar opposite cheerful and upbeat if he turns into fil I am out.

Original poster
Chopbob · 28/05/2019 08:20

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge, lol. I will start to do this!!!

He is under considerable stress at work and I suppose thinking about it the change started around the time of a big promotion.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend by mentioning autism. He hasn't had any formal diagnosis. He has always stated the obvious, offended many people since I have known him but he was always so upset to realise in the past. He's always really worked at it and actively modifies his behaviour. It's only recently he seems to have totally given up.

I do wonder if it's the stress of the promotion, the kids are at difficult ages, we've had a very stressful year with family bereavement and moving home.

Or am I making excuses?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chopbob · 28/05/2019 08:24

PooToddFlowers

I feel your pain

OP posts:
mrsmuddlepies · 28/05/2019 08:26

Oscar Wilde quote, 'All women eventually turn into their mothers', I suppose the reverse is true too, genetics and upbringing.

StoneColdOld · 28/05/2019 08:28

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge
Yes ! Same here.
And Chopbob please believe me, this strategy works a treat.

mrsmuddlepies · 28/05/2019 08:33

Don't you worry that you will end up calling him by his father's name and he will call you by your mother's name ?
It sounds a bit abusive and controlling to me ( and creepy)?

PooTodd · 28/05/2019 08:33

I don't know what the answer is. I've tried taking to my husband, telling him he's like his dad, and challenging on on it every time he does it but that gets exhausting and he just denies it anyway or his favourite stock answer, which makes me want to scream, "I'm just a realist". No, you're a negative, grumpy, old-before- your-time man. So like the OP, I just stay quiet now - as my MIL did.

Something an aunty once said to me years ago has come back to haunt me. I was complaining to her about FIL, and she said something along the lines of: take a good hard look at their parents because, while they give you their best side for the first few years, one day they'll turn into the parents. I dismissed it at the time because she couldn't have been more wrong about my husband. Sad

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 28/05/2019 08:42

If he is social masking, it's really tiring. I would explore this more but I'd also call him out.

missminagrindlay · 28/05/2019 09:09

My son has high-functioning autism. My life is a nightmare because of this. I'd honestly rather be dead and would be except for my daughter. I'm saddled with him because he's my child. You are not. LIfe is way way too short to put up with your h at all. Talk about what might be causing him to behave this way is just that, until he chooses to do something about it, he will continue to behave how he does and expect you to put up with it.

I would divorce him without hesitation.

Drogosnextwife · 28/05/2019 11:40

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge

That's what I do to dp. Fil is a right twat sometimes and as soon as he mimics the behaviour of him or mil, I call him by their names. Like you said, it fast puts an end to it.

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