How have I ended up married to my FIL?

[Chopbob]

I love my dh. I really do...but I've just found my patience wearing a little thin with him recently.

He's always been a kind, thoughtful , intelligent person who will do anything for our family.

My FIL on the other hand is a difficult personality to get along with. He has very strong political, religious and social opinions. He thinks himself very well educated and is very outspoken.
He also believes he can speak to people terribly at times as he "tells it like it is" or "has a dry sense of humour". He also treats women- my MIL especially- as inferior.
I despise the way he dominates my MIL all the time. I have seen him throw a full blown tantrum like a toddler about inconsequential things.
He is rude to me, my family and my friends.
My dh tells of a very cold relationship with his father growing up. His father was very academic and had no time for playing football or going to clubs which I find very sad as I had a very warm and involved parents.

Needless to say I don't have a fantastic relationship with this man and we are very low contact and I have no plans to change that.

However, since being together with dh for some 20+ years, I have noticed his behaviour slowly starting to mirror his father.
Some of the time he is still a kind, loving and empathetic dh. But part of the time he has become controlling and unfeeling with me and dc.
Just over the last 12m or so he has begun to gaslight me or a regular basis about minor things. He will argue day is night.
He also sulks if he feels he's not had enough attention, or even worse sex.
He has started to throw tantrums at the most minor of things, even in front of the kids which I will not tolerate.
He has started to tell home truths...the same as FIL. He will hurt feelings readily in the guise of being truthful.

I've always been a strong character and at first I would argue back, but experience has now revealed this is pointless. Now I just ignore the behaviour and do not rise to it.

This is not how I want to live my life! I will not tread on eggshells forever.

We have been to counselling and it was mentioned that dh could be on the autistic spectrum. This was also brought up in childhood too but PIL didn't want to persue it. I don't want to be angry at him but I don't know where possible autistic behaviour ends and just being a twat begins???

Sorry for the massive long post but I just don't know where I go from here. 90% of the time he is the man I married but I cannot accept this behaviour for much longer

Just over the last 12m or so he has begun to gaslight me or a regular basis about minor things. He will argue day is night.
He also sulks if he feels he's not had enough attention, or even worse sex.
He has started to throw tantrums at the most minor of things, even in front of the kids which I will not tolerate.
He has started to tell home truths...the same as FIL. He will hurt feelings readily in the guise of being truthful.

Have you considered that it could be an affair? They are also often accompanied by a sudden change of character - putting the partner down, as the cheater wants to feel justified in going behind their back.

Don't want to sound alarmist - that's just what happened to me, and it was only later, when I finally suspected an affair and looked up the "symptoms", that I realised there had been signs for some time. Just something you might want to consider.

Stress and age both seem to lead to a reduction in social masking.

I'm afraid you need to find a way of waking him up to the effect of his behaviour. Tell him you've always seen the best in him and appreciated all his good qualities. That now he's not being his best self and is getting unpleasant to live with- just like his father. Tell him you will not be like his mother, and you will not hang around if he carries on behaving like his father. Ask him how you can help.

Do all this really clearly, without anger or tears. Maybe even in a letter. Warn him you are going to say something difficult and that you need him to pay attention and think carefully about what you are saying.

However, when I had a similar conversation with DH, he went straight to "what a shame, we'll have to get divorced ". His take on it was that he is who he is and can't change.