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Original poster

I think I have made a stupid mistake agreeing to go on this holiday - what would you do?!

30 replies

usergoogle1 · 27/05/2019 20:18

I don't know where to begin with this really and feel totally stupid for getting into this. I don't want to drip feed, so in a nutshell I have a friend who I have known since childhood. she has always been incredibly offensive at times...not just to me but to others.

you are probably wondering why I am even friends with her...I suppose because we were "best friends" since day one and as a very little girl we had a lot of nice times. as you grow up there's that loyalty and you sort of let things pass...before you know it you realise as an adult she's bang out of order to say some things she says. again like I say, I query the friendship!

I pulled away from her in the last couple of years...one of those people who is always busy, has to fit you in etc. however, last year her long term partner broke up with her. lot of devastation and tears, I was there for her, thought that maybe having shown her that I was being a good friend that the friendship would begin to evolve again. during this time she asked me to go on a holiday with her that had been booked with her ex and part paid for. it was expensive and she wanted to salvage it. I said yes - somewhrre I have always wanted to go and im single and it is hard to find people to go away with!

since then I have paid a LOT of money to her for this trip (it is a big one). but...and here is the thing...since she has been back in my life a bit more I have realised she's not changed at all and in fact the hope I had that she may be a little more grown up these days was misplaced. if anything she seems worse, or maybe im no longer used to it. she's made comments about my house being small (it isn't), in a bad area (it's not), not being "commercial aware" (my job depends on this and she knows it!)...the list goes on really. small remarks and I am not bothered by them in the sense that I feel upset...it is just really ducking pissing me off. now and then I have called her out on it, said "oh that;s a nice comment"...but it continually happens and i have no doubt that it will carry on no matter what i said.

i am now questioning the entire trip as i will be with her constantly. the complicating factor is that my family know hers and although my mum has said pull out if i want to, it will effectively end my friendship with her forever and make things awkward for my mum (although my mum has similar feelings towards my friend's mum!!).

i wouldn't get any of the money back. at this point though im starting to think my sanity is more important.

this is a rant...if you've managed to get to the end, thank you! just feeling a bit fed up and not sure what to do.

OP posts:
SheRaTheAllPowerful · 27/05/2019 20:21

I’d be loathe to miss out on a holiday but if you feel you have no option, maybe you should.

MzHz · 27/05/2019 20:23

Where is this holiday? Is it somewhere you can say “you know what, I’m doing my own thing today, see you at dinner maybe”?

Original poster
usergoogle1 · 27/05/2019 20:24

MzHz not really, it is quite remote and then the city days are planned out (by her, although it is stuff i wanted to do). it is 8 days.

OP posts:
Original poster
usergoogle1 · 27/05/2019 20:25

there would be time i could say im off to the pool or to read. but overall quite intense.

OP posts:
SpeckofStardust · 27/05/2019 20:37

Life’s too bloody short to spend time with people you fundamentally don’t like and especially those who make you feel like shit. I’d write off the money and tell her you’re pulling out then let the relationship die a death. It’s going to be a stressful tense kind of holiday no matter how desirable the destination if you’re stuck with someone you don’t get along with and you’ll always have negative associations with that place afterwards. Why do that to yourself? Wait, save up and, if you can’t find someone you really like to go with, do go alone. You might surprise yourself and really enjoy solo traveling; no itinerary but yours to follow, please yourself when and where you eat, please yourself where you shop, watch the world go by, try out a new activity, strike up conversations with strangers.

Original poster
usergoogle1 · 27/05/2019 20:42

speck that is what i am thinking...im just so conflicted about it. the time from work is booked off, the money has been spent, it has all been organised.

i just really thought she would have stopped all the bullshit but it appears that she hasn't. i don't want to deal with comments about my life for a week, or have to deal with them and shut her down. im just really not sure what to do as i could have simply not gone and phased her out slowly by not seeing her - we don't live close and it isn't like she would make the effort. i feel so stupid.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 27/05/2019 20:43

Well if you won't get the money back and it's somewhere you want to go, I'd be tempted to go ahead with it.
I'd completely cut back on the time you spend with her between now and the holiday - to give yourself a bit of a break from her - and when you go totally focus on the sightseeing and the experience.

bringbacksideburns · 27/05/2019 20:45

What's stopping you from speaking to her honestly about it before you go away?

You've known her virtually most of your life. You need to start addressing each and every comment as it comes up. Or end the 'friendship.'

For example:
" Please stop. That hurts my feelings."
" That's really rude. Please don't say that."

Put on your big girl pants.

In you position I would favour having a talk with her first and give her the benefit of the doubt. Something like that good old Mumset classic line as an opener :
" Did you mean to be so rude? You've always been very blunt but it seems to be getting worse and worse these days and it's making me draw away from you. I really want to enjoy this holiday but I'm worried you are just going to keep putting me down constantly. How can you manage this?"

If the talk gets you nowhere I'm not sure I could hack the trip as you will just spend the whole time doing everything she says and wishing you were elsewhere.

I once went away on a girls trip for three days and there was a woman there who is a ' big character ' , always wanted to be the focus of all attention, and controlled everywhere we went ...or tried to. Three days was enough. Any more I think I would have snapped. I'd never do it again.

Marmighty · 27/05/2019 20:46

Will there be the opportunity to make friends with other people? If you have decided to take a step back from the friendship, but it's somewhere you want to go and you've already paid a lot of money, can you go but rise above all the comments, knowing that you're not going to continue the friendship? Ie just laugh it off, realise she must be very insecure, and just have the confidence to do your own thing a bit? If you somehow remove any power she has to hurt you, then you might find you still have a good time.

GinUnicorn · 27/05/2019 20:46

Are you sharing accommodation? Could you go but stay somewhere separate and do your own trips? It would be a shame to miss out.

Original poster
usergoogle1 · 27/05/2019 20:48

bringback i have thought of this as i am usually one for having an upfront chat and talking about stuff. i worry it could make it worse though? it would also be massively awkward.

i am supposed to be seeing her next weekend to go over the final details..i just know there will be something she says that will be rude. maybe i could take the next thing and deal with it from there? thinking it through though it makes my heart race!! im usually very confident too...it is the way she makes the comments, very direct, almost shocking and quite nasty, but in a lighthearted way if that makes any sense at all?!

OP posts:
Original poster
usergoogle1 · 27/05/2019 20:50

marmighty i expect there will definitely be the prospect of chatting to others...without outing myself part of it is almost like a retreat, so certainty will be eating/in a bar with others and the pool.

i think i could hack it if i am definite about having a couple of hours to myself to read...she knows im very into reading. it is just the comments that have begun to make me angry whereas a few years back i would have laughed them off as "just her." now i know it's 2just her" but that's also fucking rude.

OP posts:
OldUnit · 27/05/2019 20:53

It's so hard not to be hyper aware of something like this once you've noticed it.

SpeckofStardust · 27/05/2019 20:55

Google the sunk-costs fallacy, OP. It’s when you’ve already invested so much money, time or emotion in something you keep throwing good after bad in the hope you’ll get a better outcome when the reality is there’ll never be a good outcome. You’re not stupid at all, we’ve all been their in relationships, jobs, finances. It’s hard to admit to ourselves that sometimes it’s best to just cut our losses and walk the fuck away.

SpeckofStardust · 27/05/2019 20:56

*there not their.

Original poster
usergoogle1 · 27/05/2019 20:57

other friend (doesn't know this friend) thinks it would be silly not to go for the sake of 8 days, some of which involves travelling. i just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
BedraggledBlitz · 27/05/2019 20:58

I'd still go on holiday, just cos I'd hate to waste all that money. Go off and do your own thing wherever possible, even if it's finding a private corner to read in.

cheeseandcrackers · 27/05/2019 21:06

If you don't want to confront her and risk a big fall-out, go the other way and show her how upset you are by her comments. Would it be too much to shed a tear or two? She might not realise the effect her comments have and if she sees you upset, it might seem less of a criticism of her behaviour than if you go in more forcefully and tell her to stop

RozHuntleysIncineratedHand · 27/05/2019 21:09

Omg I can totally relate. I have a friend sounds very similar, known since primary school, blunt to the point of offensive but you let things slide due to knowing them so long. I have just come back off a big holiday with her and unfortunately whilst there I just saw how insulting and offensive she can be as we were in each other’s pockets. It truly ruined the holiday for me as she would say things to put me down but was trying to make out like she was doing me a favour by saying it bla bla bla. Anyway I have decided to cool the friendship but she owes me money still for it so I’m hanging on until I get what she owes me then going to back off. Everything is a drama with her and I’m fed up of it honestly.
If I was you I wouldn’t go, and just forget about the money it’s not worth it.

Original poster
usergoogle1 · 27/05/2019 21:09

cheese that's true. i think part of me feels cross that i even have to consider this...we are not even in our twenties anymore, i feel that she needs to grow up and take responsibility. at the same time, i guess i need to be an adult and address it if it is bothering me.

there was one time a few years ago when she said something and i was actually so shocked i didn't know what to say, so i ended up being quiet for the rest of the night. she apoligsed that time. but there's been plenty since.

OP posts:
Littlechocola · 27/05/2019 21:09

I would go. Enjoy the holiday but also treat it as a good bye.

Original poster
usergoogle1 · 27/05/2019 21:10

roz that is what my 'friend' does!!! it is always said as if it is advice or to help me out in some way. it is always a put down. im just not sure i can handle it!! i feel like if she says one more thing to me before we go then i m just going to call it off.

OP posts:
OldUnit · 27/05/2019 21:11

It's hard because if you do snap and have a massive reaction, you're miles away from home.....

Qweenbee · 27/05/2019 21:21

Yes I think that's the way to go, quiet upset or even a tear or two the first time. She'll hopefully cut back enough to get through the holiday.

rookiemere · 27/05/2019 21:21

How about you go to the planning session and see how it goes? If/when she says something offensive you can say that you'd appreciate if she didn't make remarks like that as you find them hurtful. See what her response is and take it from