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Original poster

Needing advice from the ladyfolk

27 replies

Thesecretpostie · 27/05/2019 16:07

Hello there! I'm at a loss for where to talk about this as I can't think of another forum with a predominantly female member base. And it's womens advice/point of view I'm after.

So then, I'm a man. I'm generally shy/awkward/anxious around most people, but especially women I find attractive. I can't flirt. When women have flirted with me I've only ever clammed up and mumbled incoherently. Either that or I've just ignored it completely.

I'm a postie. So I often deal with members of public. Most recently I delivered a parcel to a pub and this gorgeous woman behind the bar beamed at me and I said something jokingly, acting mildly flirtatious. It totally caught me off guard and I just said whatever nonsense came to mind, which as usual was a bit 'off'/irrelevant, I started getting a bit flustered and got her to sign for it quickly and I promptly left. Sitting in my van I was cringing, repeated to myself whatever dumb thing I said to her in a sarcastic voice and just said "what was that you f*ing knob?!".

It happens so often in my line of work, I'll deal with someone I fancy but I can never pluck up the courage to even really talk to them. There's someone I fancy at work too but I've only ever had one brief conversation with her. She of course would have no idea I'm interested.

sigh the eternal struggle of being a human...

Erm, anyway, yes, this is me more venting than anything, but I do have questions! So...how do I show I'm interested in you lovely women creatures? What attracts you to men? If you can tell some guy is shy or awkward does that put you off him? How did you end up with your current partner and who initated things?

Thanks in advance Blush

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 27/05/2019 16:15

So...how do I show I'm interested in you lovely women creatures?

We aren't creatures.
We are people, just like you.

That's a very good place to start.

funnylittlefloozie · 27/05/2019 16:15

Start by deleting the word 'ladyfolk' from your vocabulary. Its twee and awful, and will make 95% of women think you are a knob.

What do you think would happen if you just said hello to a woman you like? If she says hello back, voila, you have a conversation. If you talk to her regularly, and like her, ask her to go for a coffee. Easy.

RosaWaiting · 27/05/2019 16:20

creatures? Ladyfolk?

half term?

rvby · 27/05/2019 16:23

You do know that "women creatures" and "ladyfolk" are just human beings exactly like you, right? They feel like you do, feel awkward like you do. Etc.

You might need to start working on seeing women as fellow people, not aliens. That may eventually enable you to be genuinely curious about a person you have met, you might actually want to get to know them, rather than fantasise at a distance about how strange and wonderful they are...

Personally I can smell a man who doesn't see me as his peer but as his potential fantasy object. And I run the fuck away from men like that, those are the ones who are the most miserable, awful partners on the planet. (I married one so I know first hand)

Once you develop genuine interest in other human beings, that interest will override your self-consciousness and you'll actually get to know these fellow humans. And maybe have eventual relationships with them... which may or may not be romantic in nature.

cookiechomper · 27/05/2019 16:24

Try a dating site. If you're shy it's better to ease yourself in by chatting to someone first before deciding to meet. I don't mind shy men but if they're hard to talk to and don't initiate anything, yes it would put me off a bit. My husband is quite shy but when it came to dating, it was mainly him that initiated things.

formerbabe · 27/05/2019 16:26

*If you can tell some guy is shy or awkward does that put you off him?

Yes it does.. sorry.

Women love confidence and men who are self assured.

Jsmith99 · 27/05/2019 16:33

We are not ‘ladyfolk’ or ‘creatures’. We are people. Making some attempt to understand that would be a good place to start.

thewreckofthehesperus · 27/05/2019 16:34

Shyness doesn't put me off as I'm quite shy myself. In fact I think it's quite sweet so not all women would be put off by someone whos a little awkward.

Try to stay calm and try to just chat normally. Be interested in the person you're speaking to and ask questions. Have a few small talk questions prepared in your head for the next time a situation pops up so if you're struggling for something to say you have a few you can rely on.

For me I think I was never going to meet someone on a night out or in a club. If you're actively trying to meet someone do a course or volunteer. Put yourself in situations where you'll meet people and also you get to know them a little so you'll feel more comfortable and can build up to chatting or asking out. It all helps!

RosaWaiting · 27/05/2019 16:34

I'm fine with shy and so are lots of other women I know

but referring to women the way OP has, that doesn't come under shy - not sure about awkward - but seems like someone who has very strange ideas.

yearinyearout · 27/05/2019 16:36

This is going to go well.

DonPablo · 27/05/2019 16:36

Creatures and lady folk demonstrate exactly the problem you're describing. Just relax and be yourself. We all say stupid things and if you think you've said something stupid, just Chalk it up to experience and move on!

Be yourself, have fun, relax. You're going to get a bashing here, but if you can get past that you might get some great advice!

SignedUpJust4This · 27/05/2019 16:36

Once you start seeing women as human beings that are equal to you and not prey to be hunted you might start to get a bit better. Women who are just going about their jobs don't deserve to be hit on repeatedly by posties and the like simply because they are attractive. Barmaids have to smile and be nice. Eurgh. Leave them alone

Soconfusedandlost · 27/05/2019 16:37

I get that, I used to be very shy around everyone including attractive men. Truth is, thwre is no simple formula. What I like, others may not. There are too many variables to give you a simple answer, I'm sorry.

As pp said, we're just human like you. Sometimes we can tell if someone else is shy or awkward.

Best advice I can give you is to just:
take a deep breath
fake a smile (apparently this releases chemicals where your brain senses your smile muscles in action so assumes you're genuinely happy, releases the appropriate chemicals and thus you feel happier)
If you say something stupid, admit it. "sorry that sounded stupid, let me try again" or "sorry that came out wrong"

Not women specific but may help general shyness, it helped me

RosaWaiting · 27/05/2019 16:41

"Most recently I delivered a parcel to a pub and this gorgeous woman behind the bar beamed at me"

actually this strikes me as well....did she "beam" at you or was it her standard issue work smile? Hospitality is one of many industries where you've got to smile the part, so to speak.

Rocketgirl1 · 27/05/2019 16:46

I wouldn’t be bothered if someone was a bit shy or awkward but you sound very old-fashioned and that would put me off.

You ask where people meet. The obvious place to meet someone is online dating and you can chat to someone online first without feeling too awkward.

S1naidSucks · 27/05/2019 16:50

Stop thinking that women are flirting with you if they smile, laugh, make a joke or talk, OP. Most of these woman are probably just making friendly conversation. Just think of it as chatting to someone and take it from there.

S1naidSucks · 27/05/2019 16:51

BTW, my husband was incredibly shy and I found it endearing. He was also gentle, loving and respectful.

MustardBastard · 27/05/2019 16:53

What is your age?

SignedUpJust4This · 27/05/2019 17:17

And don't hit on barmaids. They're just doing their job. When I was a barmaid I got hit on numerous times a day. All the men just blur into one arsehole.

Huzzah8 · 27/05/2019 18:52

I think shyness can be sweet even though I hate my own shyness Haha. But it sort of makes me feel at ease if someone else is shy or talks about random odd stuff.
I also find it intriguing and grabs my attention when people use words or speech thats not of the norm like lady folk or women creatures, it makes the conversation more interesting 😊

ravenmum · 27/05/2019 19:58

I don't think we've had "ladyfolk" yet, have we? Females, yes; controversially "people with wombs" once.

women, ladies, girls, members of the fair sex, members of the gentle sex, females, lasses, wenches, people with wombs, women creatures, womenfolk, womenkind, maidens, fair maids, senoras, senoritas, ladyfolk, female of the species ... what have we already had?

marvellousnightforamooncup · 27/05/2019 20:03

The best way to overcome social awkwardness is to brazen it out. The difference between a confident person and awkward person is the former says something silly and does care, they can laugh it off rather than cringing in their car. I was an awkward teen and I learnt not to be.

And as PP have already said, women are people not creatures.

MissMousesCheese · 27/05/2019 20:09

"Ladyfolk" cringe.

Shyness does not put me off, but it can be misread as lack of interest.

ravenmum · 27/05/2019 20:15

how do I show I'm interested in you lovely women creatures?
Maybe play with your hair, touch your lips, smile a lot, look them in the eye, lean forward, nod when they speak to show you are listening, point your legs towards them when sitting, wear nice clothes so they'll notice you?
Or maybe that's just what women are meant to do.

What attracts you to men?
Well, the one thing all my bfs have had in common is an ability to tell the same stories again and again as if it was the first time, so I guess it must be that?

If you can tell some guy is shy or awkward does that put you off him?
It would now, as it's unusual in the over-50s. I'd think he might be depressed or not ready for a relationship. But in the past not a problem, except for the fact that I was also shy, and basically there was no chance of two shy people ever having a conversation. I remember one as a student where the closest he got was to follow me home on the bus once.

How did you end up with your current partner and who initated things?
OLD, guess we both did. When you're doing OLD, when you first meet you have already both agreed to go on a date so things are pretty simple.

CassettesAreCool · 27/05/2019 20:16

Practise smiling, stand up straight, make eye contact. Fake it till you make it