Getting over a relationship with a Narcissist

[Angelic2019]

Hey,

This post is more a cry for help. I feel I've exhausted talking to my friends.
At the moment, I'm at my all time lowest. I think I'm hoping for people with similar experiences to share their stories and how they got past it. I feel like I'm a little insane.
Before I explain the situation, I just want to say that I have been in longer, better quality relationships that I got over quite easily when they broke down.
This particular relationship however, has left me dead inside.

I'll have to summarise as briefly as I can.
We lived together and were together for 4 years.
Hes one of those guys who has to be in the right all of the time. Any argument, I ended up apologising. I caught him sexting his ex student during our 2nd year together. We worked through it and were okay.
He never made me feel confident. The sex was always about him. I started getting a little depressed but did not realise it.
Here's one for you. He kept his dating profile on for about a year after we got together. When I told him I was uncomfortable with it, he insisted it was my issue and that I needed to trust him. I then said, well everyone knows we are together so one of our friends may see you on there. His response was "oh yeah that wont look good, I better delete my account"
Everything he did was to please everyone else. If we were with my family, he would be really affectionate towards me. Showing off I guess.
He did have some nice moments at home. I guess that's what I held on to. But if I ever brought anything up that made him feel like I was criticising him, he turned it on me saying it was always my issue and I had to deal with it.
I always wanted his children but he told me he could never have one as it means putting them first. But he did make comments like "I can see us with a family"
Okay so the situation is this. I caught him sexting his work mate. He left that night and I was distraught. He left me with the house and everything in it (rented) and I was in pieces.
I'd receive messages from his mum saying how sorry he was and how much he had missed me. Then I'd receive a message from him saying the same and we started hanging out again. Then he went cold and stopped talking!
3 weeks later, the same thing. A message from his mum, followed by a message from him. We spoke about starting over and he was due to come over on the Wednesday. Then a bombshell was dropped on him. The girl at his work is pregnant. He slept with her after we broke up and shes keeping it. He told me that they dont get along etc.

We briefly spoke yesterday, but it turned into an argument and I did say some harsh things I must admit. Because I'm jealous because I wanted to have children with him!

Well today, he told me he showed his mum our argument. Shes told him he has done nothing wrong and doesnt deserve what I said. Apparently she also told him that he was always unhappy with me.
He has also told me that the girl is not the reason we broke up, he said it was because I was not showing him enough affection. He told me to stop telling people that I caught him sexting because he had done nothing wrong.

I have removed him from all social media and his number. But these mind games have taken a toll on me. I know, I should have ran for the hills ages ago but something sucked me in! I hate myself so much.
It's so hard knowing that he is going to have a child with someone else when we were working towards that. Well, that's how it felt. I feel like in going insane. Even now, I know he is the one who messed up, but I'm blaming myself! For sticking around but also for neglecting him.

How did any of you get through stuff like this? I've tried everything, gym, haircut, you name it and nothing has worked! I'm 30, no kids, and i feel so very lost. Never in my life have I felt like this. Every day is a struggle.

Sorry for ranting. But thank you so much for reading.

I know you can’t see it at the moment, but you’ve had such a lucky escape not having kids with this man. He’s already admitted he has to come first and you’d spend the rest of your life battling for him to take on his responsibilities.

People like this don’t change, you either leave them, or you stay until they destroy you and you’re no fun to be around any more and they move on.

You need some counselling to help you to see this for what it was. An addiction not a relationship of equals. Whatever he did to keep you hanging in there through the shit, that’s what you’re addicted to.

You didn’t neglect him, it was all a game to him and he would let you get close and then make you feel like shit for his own amusement, hence the keeping his dating profile up, blowing hot and cold recently etc - it’s all a game to him but he changes the rules so you’ll never win.

I read an interesting book called co-dependency for dummies, it’s about how you relate to narcissists and why it’s so difficult to move on.

Might be worth reading up about codependency and perhaps even seeking out a CODA meeting (like AA but for shitty relationships instead of alcohol!! Especially useful if you have a history of difficult relationships or any other addiction issues, these seem to go hand in hand, and CODA members often have alcoholic parents etc too)

Whatever happens please don’t feel jealous of the woman who is saddled with this prick as the father of her DC - she is in for a horrendous future and sadly so is her child.

30 is still so young, spend some time getting to know yourself and building up the damage he wreaked on you. Get strong and happy and then you will be able to find someone worthy of your love who can be a great partner and dad. You have many years to find him before you need to consider fertility etc, so don’t panic.

Angelic I'm so sorry you've been through this. It wont be like getting over a normal relationship because this was an abusive relationship that likely destroyed your self esteem and self worth and potentially opened up unresolved wounds from your past.

I have been through this situation sadly more times than I care to admit and the reason was that I didn't heal properly, which left me vulnerable to further narcs in the future. It is so important that you seek some professional help to process what you have been through. I've learned everything I can about narcissism (there are lots of excellent videos on the subject on YouTube) which helped me to see it was never my fault, I didn't do anything that warranted the abuse and abandonment and the things they said to me were all about their insecurities and a way to exert control.

Once you see him for what he is, you will be so thankful you escaped (I promise you). Feel pity not jealousy for his future victims because he will treat them just as badly as he did you. He will follow the abuse pattern (idealise, devalue, discard) in all of his relationships. He is incapable of love and is merely seeking out narcissistic supply rather than love. People are mere objects to be used for whatever they can offer at the time. He will never change, will never offer you any closure and will never validate your feelings. The only way to heal is to block and go no contact and pour all of your energy into re building your life. Rebuilding yourself so you will never be a narc target again. Get angry, he has treated you horribly. This has everything to do with him, the cheating was inevitable and nothing you could have done would have ever changed that so please dont ruminate about the what ifs.

His mother is a flying monkey and probably is under his narc spell. Just block and delete her too. Neither of these people have your best interests at heart.

As a mother of 3 children with a psychopathic narcissist, I promise you have had a lucky escape. He will never take responsibility for the child he has just conceived and he would have never taken responsibility for any children you had with him either.

Grieve the relationship, you have lost who you thought he was but dont let it define you. You have seen behind the mask which puts you in a much better position than all of his current and future victims.

You were love bombed and manipulated by both him and his mother. They likely share the same psychiatric and/or developmental condition.

You have been breathtakingly lucky to have the escape you've had. I know it doesnt seem that way now, but those of us on the other side of such a relationship - with children and a divorce in the mix - can only look on your situation with wonder at the amazing luck you have at this total bodger getting some other victim up the spout. Sucks for her, life ruined, serendipity for you.

Go absolutely no contact. Believe me, you will feel mentally better and more yourself again in around 3 months time.

He sounds like a typical narcissist. I'm so sorry. Anyone who's been through this (incl me) will believe you.

As the PP said, you do need time to heal, perhaps a year to start with? I know it seems impossible and unfair but I too walked from one narc relationship to another.

Counselling could help but I spent a fortune with different t counsellors and because they didn't understand narcissism they always doubted me - I mean, it makes no sense, if it's that bad, why stay? (Trauma bonds, Addiction etc). Of course he loves you, they would say, but live takes many forms etc etc. And talking about him endlessly ran grooves in my brain.

The best suggestion I picked up from
this board was H.G. Tudor's books. Endless but fairly cheap. Reading them has been so mind blowing for me - the pet names, the triangulation (the pg girl at work), the lieutenant (his mother), the sex etc etc as Tudor says, when you know, you go (no contact). I still have to work with my narc ex but I feel so sure now that I know what to anticipate (the malign hoovers) that I know it'll be ok. Maybe the books will help you too?

Take care of yourself x

Oh and mine had the dating profile too. "I forgot to delete it" (even when I'd asked). I was staggered at how many friends thought that was a plausible excuse.

I had a similar emotionally abusive relationship. Here’s what I did. I took a year and a half out of dating. Just focused on myself and my career. And my friends. I rented a small flat and got a dog who was my rock. My flat was our safe space. I got used to making decisions for myself. What do I want to eat for dinner? What do I want to do this weekend? I skipped out on a few weddings of friends as wasn’t ready to go out on my own and even forgot what love was. When I got my confidence back I could show up to social events alone and meet people and chat happily but it took over a year to be that person.

You’ve dodged a bullet not having children with this man . His mother is his flying monkey . Getting over a relationship with a narcissist is crucifying because not only are you trauma bonded to him but there is never any closure when relationships like these end . I was coldly discarded by a narcissist after three years when he found new supply that he realised would elevate his social status and make him look good . In the time we were together he was on dating apps and slept with four other women and whenever I found proof of these he would accuse of me being paranoid and jealous and only ever admitted to the last one which he blamed me for . I was devastated when he discarded me but was so drained by this time that five weeks later I’m glad to see the back of him . I spoke to a few ex girlfriends of his and discovered that he cheated on everyone and treated all his girlfriends like dirt after the initial love bombing phase . His MO is to leave a relationship after amax of three years when a new replacement is lined up . Incidentally he has moved in with his new woman already and us blissfully in love (with her bank account )

Oh and when I would get upset over the dating apps on his phone he would rage at me and say my paranoia was driving him away .. just a vile horrible man

OP so sorry this has happened to you

Some men are so cruel, playing Russian roulette with our biological clock!

It’s very sad that you seem to want a child and this man has strung you along.

First of all if I was you I would go on a healthy kick. So eat really healthy and exercise. Be really conscious of the foods you’re putting in your body. Because this will help protect your ovarian reserve for when you DO meet the right man and want to try for a baby (which you WILL by the way) see it as an investment in yourself.

As previous posts have suggested, this man is not going to take responsibility for this child. Please don’t be jealous of this woman. I know it’s so hard, but bringing up a child alone is extremely difficult anyway, but what is worse than that is that she will have him in the background of her child’s life, I am assuming from his narc tendencies that there will be constant criticism of her parenting from both him and his mother (who sounds like a total weirdo to be honest, why is she messaging you?! )

I do also second what others have said in terms of staying away from dating. As said previously, if you don’t allow yourself to heal properly you will carry on sending vibes out to these type of men and will most likely end up in a relationship similar.

I’ve had two long term, serious relationships and my first was a lot like yours and after that I jumped straight into another because of fear of being alone and that relationship was just as bad, if not worse than the first.

Sounds horribly cliche but seriously, do just focus on yourself.

They good thing about you NOT having children with him is that you can go no contact immediately and I think that’s what you need. Shut it down, now if you haven’t already. Block him on everything, phone, Facebook, what’s app, Instagram and block his weird mother too!

You can do this. I believe in you

Hope you’re feeling OK today OP

Thank you for showing me I'm not insane.
He tried to message yesterday. (I deleted them and didnt reply)
I've just woken up, and instantly started crying. It feels like I'm climbing an infinity staircase but I'm exhausted already.
I know I need to do my internal work, but I don't know how. I've lost interest in everything :-(
I still cant believe he is telling me that we didnt break up because of this girl at his work. He tells me we broke up because I made him unhappy. I dont get it. Even a few weeks ago, he was saying he messed up. Is this just his self defense to make himself not look like hes done anything wrong? Why do I have to apologise for it! I am going through all the motions currently. But I'm worried I'm losing myself even more. I'm trying to remain positive. But I'm still so withdrawn.
I'm glad for this forums. Thank you for sharing some of your stories. That level of optimism is what makes me want to get through this x

Op, I’m going to work but I’ll reply later

Angel I know it's hard but please try not to focus on what he is saying and ruminate over it. That's exactly what he wants.

He will say anything he can to try and manipulate you into doing what he wants. He'll play the victim, blame you, blame her, blame his childhood, depression. The list is endless. You cant win with a narc no matter what you do. What you need to start coming to terms with is that these men are incapable of love. He never loved you, you were an object to him. An extension of himself and supply to get what he wants.

I know that's devastating to learn but it's not because of you and what you did and didn't do. It's got everything to do with him and what a using piece of shit he is. Everything he ever told you was a lie and carefully said to manipulate you so why they and figure that crazy out? Narcs are compulsive liars. He'll carry on this cycle until his last breath. You are not his first victim and wont be his last.

Please dont give him what he wants by blaming yourself. It means he continues to have power over you which is his ultimate goal.

Well done for blocking him. Please keep it that way. Try and watch some videos about narcissism today. I quite like the ones by Qeenbeing on YouTube. You are not alone and you will recover from this in time.

OP

I completely understand ( feel free to read my previous threads about my ex lying and confessing).

It is difficult when they lie so convincingly, and mess with your head just enough so that you doubt yourself.

I hear what you say about others doubting you. My ex was incredibly charming, outgoing, intelligent- the model employee, and tbf very good at what he does. Frustrating because on the surface it looks like I'm just an insecure mess. After all, if it was so bad, why did I stay.

I've had limited success with counsellors as well. I'm not sure people really understand how manipulative narcs/ sociopaths can be unless they've experienced it.

For me, it all changed the last time we talked. For so long, I knew he was lying, but I always felt he was good underneath, but just wounded.
Last time we talked the blinkers fell off. I just saw him as he is- a manipulative lying con who never cared, and will always lie.

I'm only 2 months out, and I'm making progress, I think.
I'm not sure I have any magic solutions or advice, but I love what was said above about looking after yourself.
Your ex probably conned his mum too.

BTW- was your ex a student? Mine too. I think they love the power. Mine seemed to love the dynamic of being an expert- liked to use it to impress his female/ young/ pretty students.

Good luck OP. One day at a time

• was your ex a teacher!?

OP he definitely is trying to make us so that he’s not the bad guy. After all, he wants to keep that “charm and charisma” for his next victim.

I’m going through something similar right now. My ex cheated, I left him and he then said “you know I’m the one ending this relationship because I’m the one unhappy?” And I was like: think whatever in your small little mind, I know the truth!

The thing with narcs is they CAN NOT LOSE. They would rather die than lose.

So the fact you’ve cut him out, he simply can’t take it. That’s why he’s desperately trying to draw you back in again, but this is only so that he can win you over and repeat the cycle, destroy you and leave you on “his” terms. Because you have left you have taken away his control of the situation.

And taking control back is a seriously like waving a red flag at a bull.

Please stick to your guns and carry on keeping him blocked and do NOT contact him.

You’re winning. You’ve won!

And there is NOTHING he can do about it!

He was a teacher but only for 8 months. He has not been very good at holding jobs down. But after the student thing, I was kind of relieved that he didnt go back into teaching x

I will try to be strong. I just worry I'll slip because of the hurt. But then I dont want to be in the mess that he has created because I couldnt deal with that.
I cant believe I let myself get played by both him and his mum!!
I guess one thing he is fighting for. We broke up in March, and his baby is due in November. He is not with the girl. So everyone is going to be able to work out what happened there. And I guess that's why he is desperately trying to point the blame towards me! Makes me so angry x

Oh Angel you are emotionally exhausted, you are bound to feel overwhelmed, confused, tearful and that is a totally normal reaction. You need a little time, love and support and your emotions will shift just enough to start to move on.

Don't waste your energy trying to understand what he believes , who knows what he truly believes. I am sure you are right that he is just trying to justify his behaviour rather than take responsibility.

Don't let him or anyone trying to distort your truth of the relationship.

You are hurting now but try to tap into the anger you feel towards him to help remind yourself he had no right to treat you this way.

He’s projecting and blame shifting . He wants to manipulate you into thinking that his behaviour was your fault so that he can keep you on the back burner waiting for him when he decides to come and hoover you again . Don’t let him do this to you . You know it’s all down to him and you have done nothing wrong . My ex had the audacity to tell him that my so called behaviour was affecting him mentally ( after I got conclusive proof of all his other women and presented him with the evidence) and even blamed me for his cheating .. it gives them a good sob story for their next victim and their friends (flying monkeys)

OP, your username, did he call you Angel? My Narc did too

I cant believe so many of us have slid into these toxic relationships. How do they manage to get into our heads like they do?
For anyone who has recovered, or still in recovery... what did you do to get through it and how long did it take? Did it affect your future relationships?

By the way, when I discovered he had been sexting this girl at work (shes 20, I forgot add that) he denied it and told me to prove it. As in, I had to get the videos on screen again. Checking his phone was not something I had done for a year, but on this day.... my gut instinct told me to check, with no reason to suspect him as all he had been doing was smoking weed with his friends at our house for the weekend.
This gut instinct is crazy accurate sometimes!

For me it’s only five weeks since it ended but I had already started therapy to understand why I was attracted to toxic men .. it’s been very insightful . I was not labelled as the girlfriend as he obviously decided that I was not going to elevate his social status or make his friends green with envy ..he constantly chased beautiful or highly successful women .I was discarded for a wealthy attractive highly successful woman and the day he discarded me after spending three years saying he was a failure .. he floated how he was finally going up in the world .. in five weeks he has completely changed his image and moved in with new woman . I’m not upset because I know he’s love bombed the crap out if he’d and he’s incapable of love .. the only thing he’s in love with is her social standing and her bank account .. but like every other woman before her . He’ll end up cheating on her . I’m recovering because I realise I’m free .. and I deliberately ensured that no door was open for him to get his foot in .. The only way to get over these monsters is to go NC

Just to say that as well as books HG Tudor has a lot of very interesting videos on YouTube 😉