Hey,
This post is more a cry for help. I feel I've exhausted talking to my friends.
At the moment, I'm at my all time lowest. I think I'm hoping for people with similar experiences to share their stories and how they got past it. I feel like I'm a little insane.
Before I explain the situation, I just want to say that I have been in longer, better quality relationships that I got over quite easily when they broke down.
This particular relationship however, has left me dead inside.
I'll have to summarise as briefly as I can.
We lived together and were together for 4 years.
Hes one of those guys who has to be in the right all of the time. Any argument, I ended up apologising. I caught him sexting his ex student during our 2nd year together. We worked through it and were okay.
He never made me feel confident. The sex was always about him. I started getting a little depressed but did not realise it.
Here's one for you. He kept his dating profile on for about a year after we got together. When I told him I was uncomfortable with it, he insisted it was my issue and that I needed to trust him. I then said, well everyone knows we are together so one of our friends may see you on there. His response was "oh yeah that wont look good, I better delete my account"
Everything he did was to please everyone else. If we were with my family, he would be really affectionate towards me. Showing off I guess.
He did have some nice moments at home. I guess that's what I held on to. But if I ever brought anything up that made him feel like I was criticising him, he turned it on me saying it was always my issue and I had to deal with it.
I always wanted his children but he told me he could never have one as it means putting them first. But he did make comments like "I can see us with a family"
Okay so the situation is this. I caught him sexting his work mate. He left that night and I was distraught. He left me with the house and everything in it (rented) and I was in pieces.
I'd receive messages from his mum saying how sorry he was and how much he had missed me. Then I'd receive a message from him saying the same and we started hanging out again. Then he went cold and stopped talking!
3 weeks later, the same thing. A message from his mum, followed by a message from him. We spoke about starting over and he was due to come over on the Wednesday. Then a bombshell was dropped on him. The girl at his work is pregnant. He slept with her after we broke up and shes keeping it. He told me that they dont get along etc.
We briefly spoke yesterday, but it turned into an argument and I did say some harsh things I must admit. Because I'm jealous because I wanted to have children with him!
Well today, he told me he showed his mum our argument. Shes told him he has done nothing wrong and doesnt deserve what I said. Apparently she also told him that he was always unhappy with me.
He has also told me that the girl is not the reason we broke up, he said it was because I was not showing him enough affection. He told me to stop telling people that I caught him sexting because he had done nothing wrong.
I have removed him from all social media and his number. But these mind games have taken a toll on me. I know, I should have ran for the hills ages ago but something sucked me in! I hate myself so much.
It's so hard knowing that he is going to have a child with someone else when we were working towards that. Well, that's how it felt. I feel like in going insane. Even now, I know he is the one who messed up, but I'm blaming myself! For sticking around but also for neglecting him.
How did any of you get through stuff like this? I've tried everything, gym, haircut, you name it and nothing has worked! I'm 30, no kids, and i feel so very lost. Never in my life have I felt like this. Every day is a struggle.
Sorry for ranting. But thank you so much for reading.