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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Have you had a friendship breakup that felt like a relationship breakdown?

30 replies

DontFearTheReaper · 27/05/2019 11:38

Fallen out with a very close friend and I just heard a song that reminded me of our friendship and just felt really sad, like I couldn’t imagine going through the rest of my life and her not being there - she lives abroad now so even if we make it up I won’t see her often. I’ve split up with boyfriends before and not felt as blue!

Anyone else?

OP posts:
springydaff · 27/05/2019 12:33

Totally! If anything it's more painful than a romantic breakup. It goes deep.

DontFearTheReaper · 27/05/2019 17:12

Yes true springy. Seems like we are the only ones!

OP posts:
DisorganisedOrganiser · 27/05/2019 17:14

Yes. 15 years on it is still very upsetting. I was going to write devastating but realised it is not actually quite that upsetting anymore.

TheLastNigel · 27/05/2019 17:16

My ex best friend had an affair with my exh... she was 'supporting me' as my marriage broke down and I was supporting her as hers was going through rough patch. I found out after a year and a half.
I am more upset about her behaviour and the betrayal of the friendship involved than I was even about my marriage dissolving. In fact it's really affected my mental health over the last three years...
I don't think I'll ever truly be friends with anyone again just because I couldn't stand to be hurt like that again.

chilling19 · 27/05/2019 17:17

Yes, it was awful. Still hurts 14 years later

disconnecteddrifter · 27/05/2019 17:22

Yes me too. I started a relationship with a friends ex. They had been broken up for years and I thought it would be ok. She'd dated my ex at one point and it wasn't awkward plus she'd moved on, new fiancé etc and, well it wasn't ok at all.
It meant I had to break up with most of my friends as she didn't want anyone to socialise with me which obviously left me isolated and caused huge mental health decline but the worst was that I really miss my friend. I obviously had a choice to make and I am happy with my now husband but the choice was a painful one for all of us and I don't stop thinking about her and wishing we could still be friends.

wheresthewine36 · 27/05/2019 17:36

I haven't spoken to my best friend for 5 years. We were friends for over 20 years. It still makes me sad that we no longer have a relationship. When something good or bad happens in my life, she is still the first person I want to tell. The sadness is far worse than anything I've felt at the ending of a romantic relationship. It has actually made me avoid developing any other close friendships because I can't face the possibility of losing them.

DontFearTheReaper · 27/05/2019 19:42

Flowers for everyone. Sad though your stories are, I’m taking comfort in the fact that you still feel it years later - I was feeling a bit stupid for moping around earlier - but it’s not stupid is it?

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 27/05/2019 19:43

No it’s not. I had one, too. I’m still not sure what I did wrong.

DisorganisedOrganiser · 27/05/2019 19:44

It’s not stupid Flowers. I will never get over it or truly understand it but I have moved on now.

chickensaresafehere · 27/05/2019 19:52

10 years on & I'm sort of getting over it,but at the time & for many years after,it was really hard. I was close to her children too,which in some ways made it harder.
I'm currently having friendship issues with another very close friend, because of her twat of a husband & I'm scared that I'm probably going to lose her too Sad
But I suppose people change & move on,but I must admit to being jealous of people who are still really close to their childhood friends.

DontFearTheReaper · 27/05/2019 19:55

Oh Disorganised Sad that must make it more difficult.

Mine is slightly similar, in that I don’t fully understand it but she won’t discuss it so I can’t figure it all out.

OP posts:
Craftycorvid · 27/05/2019 20:01

Came to a point where I felt I had to give up on a friendship that had lasted from university days - this was 14 years ago now. I still think about the person from time to time and genuinely hope they’re doing well. It’s sad when I occasionally realise something that would make them laugh or that we would once have enjoyed. I think friendships formed at key stages of life can be tough to lose.

Justmyopinionx · 27/05/2019 20:08

Understand your pain completely. Same happened to me. Much worse than any relationship break up. I felt like a limb had been severed. But there were good reasons at the time so no chance of resolution then. 20 years on, I randomly see her, we reconnect through FB. Things have changed and we can be friends again. It's different ... but at least we're back in touch.
From my experience, fix it if you possibly can - true friendship is rare and a gift to hold on to. If you can't, let it go ... and let fate decide.
Meanwhile, I'm so very sorry for your pain but I promise that it will pass. Dx

Becca19962014 · 27/05/2019 20:14

Mine finished five years ago, and it was hell. It hurt so much. I'd really trusted the person about physical and mental health as well as abuse issues.

Then one day she decided to put a thread on MN about me. Then she took everyone's advice on here and tore me to shreds. How do I know that? She printed the thread off and gave it to me. It ran to pages.

It was devastating. Not only had she put confidential things only she and one other knew about on here but she'd invented an affair with her husband and claimed I delibrately took minor overdoses all the time purely to wind her up and was physically fit and healthy and needed a GCSE and a job (all total shit).

I told one person after they asked why I'd stopped going to that church and stopped seeing this person and learnt she'd told everyone in the church about what I'd done to her, how I'd nearly made her commit suicide, forced her into a breakdown and had sex with her husband.

It's been five years. She's still telling people about it and bringing it up - two months ago someone who barely knows me and knows her told me to leave her alone. I have, for five years!!. She however, keeps asking to help me with things to do with my disabilities, I get emails and texts asking if I need anything and how things are and if she can help to let her know. It's pretty obvious if you were to see me in RL I struggle a lot.

I'll never rely on a friend for help with anything again. I really trusted her.

Becca19962014 · 27/05/2019 20:16

I don't blame people on MN to be clear. I'm barely recognisable from that thread with the needs I actually have, but I was devasted to see things I'd trusted her with on a thread being torn to bits. It does mean when I read a thread like that I tend to think about the other person in the situation more.

Becca19962014 · 27/05/2019 20:19

To be clear (as I wasn't in first post) as far as I'm aware she didn't attempt suicide, certainly didn't gave a breakdown during our friendship (we saw each other daily and I'd have noticed that) and I only met her shit of a husband once and certainly have never ever had sex with him - though I know plenty of others have.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 27/05/2019 20:22

I had a good friendship breakdown because of a row between our husbands, who were friends before we were. I really, really missed her and our relationship as couples too. We were out of touch for maybe 7 or 8 years.

But then she got in touch again out of the blue and we had some tentative meetings over coffees (us) / drinks (the husbands) - said what we wanted to say, moved on - and now we are all really good friends again. We now spend a lot of time together, it's great. The "lost years" are forgotten. We are going out with them tomorrow night.

If someone in the broken friendship can find the wherewithal to build bridges, then even long forgotten relationships can be mended. Hopefully?

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 27/05/2019 20:25

wheresthewine36 exactly as you've written.

I still miss her all the time. Reached out a few times but rejected. I still don't know what happened for her to suddenly withdraw from our 25 year friendship.

All the memories are tainted now.

DontFearTheReaper · 27/05/2019 20:51

Thank you justmyopinion.

Becca Shock Shock Shock
That’s so so awful, I don’t even know what to say. Flowers

OP posts:
Becca19962014 · 27/05/2019 21:21

Whenever I tried to discuss it with helplines like Samaritans or similar (was far too embarrassed to tell anyone other than the person I mentioned in real life as I was always talking about her and the support she gave to me and I was ashamed) they'd say I was hurting too much for her to have just been a friend - my point being that friendships ending can hurt a huge amount.

Sorry it ended up being a bit confusing!!

DontFearTheReaper · 27/05/2019 21:46

What an odd thing for them to say Hmm I think this thread proves how much it can hurt!

OP posts:
SparrowBo · 27/05/2019 21:49

Yes. It's agony.

Lefields · 27/05/2019 21:52

Yes. It’s been 4 years now since I last spoke to one of my best friends. I miss her everyday. There are always things I want to tell her, funny memes etc I want to send her. Sometimes when I think about it, it’s like I’ve been punched in the stomach Sad if I thought she was interested I’d reach out. However, I don’t think she’d accept any okie branch offered and she said some incredibly hurtful things to me that I’m not sure I could get past anyway.

It sucks though, it’s 100 x worse than any relationship break up I’ve ever had. A real sense of grief and loss. No one would know I feel like this IRL though. I’m always very breezy and gloss over it if anyone mentions it, but I’m not okay with it.

user1493413286 · 27/05/2019 21:59

A friendship breakdown I had with my best friend was far more painful than any romantic relationship break down. Years later I’m friends with her again but we’re not best friends and sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t have any contact with her as it hurts that we aren’t close but I also wouldn’t want to be due to how much she hurt me. A bit like trying to decide whether to stay friends with an ex. Most people who have been through it will say it’s either just as or more painful than a romantic relationship break down