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Original poster

Seeing a lovely guy who hasn't divorced yet its been 5 years

34 replies

Mellodenise · 27/05/2019 11:21

Hello,

I have just recently started dating a great guy, he has 3 kids and we are just so lovely together, he treats me well, we have only been seeing one another for a few months but we are already going away in the next 2 weeks time which is great and cant wait. I dont have any kids but he sees his kids every other weekend and one day in the week too. However its normally more than that as they are literally round the corner from him.

He lives about 10 mins away from the ex wife, to which he separated from 5 years ago, (not yet divorced) they were married 20 years, she is the mother of his kids. One is 17, 11 and 6. When he sees them every other weekend he usually takes them away and they have a great time, as well as him taking them abroad twice this year too. He is a great dad and treats everyone so well, more so the kids which is a lovely side to him.

The ex still hasn't met anyone.... she asks him, (its been both Sundays in the last two weeks) to paint her face, cut the hedge and the likes and he is always there, sometimes they also go out for dinner with the kids as well as she cooks for him to which he normally says no. She has dated about 4 men since the split but nothing ends up coming from it. They both speak about meeting others and want each other to be happy as well with other people.

When he met someone 3 years ago, he really liked her and this new lady wanted him to get divorced so he started the procedure and it cost him loads, as his exes dad is a control freak he was getting in the way strangely enough which resulted in the divorce not going through. What is interesting is as soon as she found out about the new lady, she lost it and was really jealous as she thought he started to see her whilst they were married and separating at the end.... when it was actually 6 months after they split, he knew her before too as a friend and they dated for 1 year. however she soon moved on with someone else and had a baby with him as he didnt want anymore kids.

For me he says I will sort it this year, as I want to get married again and if that is what you wanted I would marry you...and its what I would want too with you.

I was pretty gutted he is still married but been separated for 5 years which isn't so bad.... but also annoyed she keeps on asking him to do jobs around the house however he sees the kids whilst he is there at home and they help and he just loves going over there to see them which is understandable.

However I feel I am falling for him and him me too and I really like him so not too sure what to think, as he does treat me well, sees me 3/4 times in the week, calls me a lot, texts and he is just adorable too.

I guess I have never met anyone with 3 kids before or separated with the ex around the corner?

Any thoughts? do I just wait until we have a talk again. I am just going through a break with ex and waiting on house to sell to which I am going to buy in a few months hopefully. This is my aim and he said he is more than happy to do it up with me and one day we can buy together or see what our next plans are after I have bought.

My annoyance is more the ex hasn't met anyone yet.....He said he has no feelings for her and no passion just wanted to settle down and have kids and he did that with her for 20 years to and she is a great mum. He never talks about her, she doesnt know about me yet but his kids do and his parents and friends all know about me too.

So hoping soon it will be out in the open and he will get divorced. Anyone been through something similar before?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 27/05/2019 11:36

You're hearing a lot if his side of the story which, interestingly, contradicts itself.

Ultimately, at 5 years, if he wanted to be divorced, he could be. He isn't.

NicoAndTheNiners · 27/05/2019 11:41

I have a friend who is in this situation, but she's the one who has been separated six years and not yet divorced.

She's never really had any reason to sort it all out. But she has lived apart from her husband all this time and has been civil, seeing him for lunch, etc even though there's no kids involved. So I can see if there are kids involved and nobody else on the scene it's easy just to keep plodding along, not sort out the legalities and still cut the grass, etc.

My friend is now sorting her divorce out as meeting a new guy has given her the reason to do it.

Interestingly he's been divorced for a similar length of time and it's his ex who is kicking off about the fact he's met someone else.

Ultimately his actions will speak louder than his words. If he starts sorting it out then it's all good. If he drags his feet, not so good.

Original poster

Mellodenise · 27/05/2019 11:43

Hi NicoAndTheNiners, thats interesting thank you for that insight so yes I agree it all depends on his actions and what I am seeing not hearing, so time will tell. I do feel he will as we are so so close and my friend like yours was in the same situation and they are not together, however it was 6 years later.....ouch!!

OP posts:

Michaelbaubles · 27/05/2019 11:47

It took me 3 years to get divorced - no lingering feelings and all amicable but for one reason and another all the paperwork took ages, everything just dragged on and tbh neither of us had any pressing reason to hurry it along (both in new relationships but not planning to get married or buy houses or anything). It’s always presented as a massive red flag here but I was still married when I met present DP and all that happened was a year or so later it all got resolved and I very boringly got my decree absolute in the post. No drama needed although I dare say posted about on here from his point of view I’d have been given all sorts of perceived motivations! It’s expensive and a pain in the arse to get divorced so I understand why people don’t rush if there’s no real need to.

Original poster

Mellodenise · 27/05/2019 11:50

Sorry meant to say are NOW together...lol

OP posts:

fikel · 27/05/2019 11:55

Some people just don’t get round it. Took my brother over 10 years. He is now re married by the way

FuriousVexation · 27/05/2019 11:57

Christ what a load of bollocks. Wake up love.

likeridingabike · 27/05/2019 12:01

Over the years him and his exW and kids have settled into a pattern if you try to change that you'll case drama and upset and it will backfire. I would focus on your relationship with him, and let him handle any adjustments to his relationship with his exW that might be needed, but keep out of it.

You've only been seeing him for a few months, far to early to be thinking about getting married, don't rush things.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/05/2019 12:03

I’d try not to get too attached until he’s actually divorced because you need to see he’s really detached from his old life and ready for something new with you.

Her dad is nothing to do with it, they’re two adults who got married and now they can get divorced.

What she thinks about him having a new relationship shouldn’t be a factor in how he lives his life. They’ve been apart years, they must have split up for a reason and they’re both allowed to move on. Whether or not she’s with someone is immaterial. And he doesn’t need to announce he’s with you, it’s his business. You make it sound like he’s planning to officially tell her he’s with you. Why? If he’s worried the status quo is only amicable because he’s at her beck and call then it’s not amicable at all. If he thinks she’s going to kick off about him meeting and being happy with you then he needs to dial back the handyman stuff. He doesn’t owe her DIY or gardening favours. His relationship is with his DC now, not his ex. If they’re friendly, fine. If he’s trying to kept her sweet for some reason and therefore pretending he’s single when he’s not, not fine.

managedmis · 27/05/2019 12:03

So he's still married?

StillAgony · 27/05/2019 12:04

Hoping that he's painting her fence, or her place.....not her face ?
After 5 yrs theres no real reason not to be divorced, and I'm sure he'd still have a positive relationship with his kids once he was divorced?

Original poster

Mellodenise · 27/05/2019 12:08

Hi StillAgony, yes I agree, but I am thinking its about her kicking off like she did last time when he met someone new. Just think its odd he is still doing jobs for his ex and its pretty much a lot of the time at weekends whilst the kids are there so he can see them. I guess she is saying nobody else can do it because they are never around as in her dad who use to do these jobs. I think its best I keep out of it and just see what happens, however doesnt sit too comfortably here.

OP posts:

baileys6904 · 27/05/2019 12:10

Nope. My other half was separated around 7 or 8 years and has only just recently divorced. He us still involved in the household, although less so and sees at as helping an old friend. I'm sure when the kids are older and no longer there, that will Peter out but we have been in a relationship 6 years, his ex has been for he last couple.

Original poster

Mellodenise · 27/05/2019 12:13

Hi baileys6904, ok thats interesting. Yes he feels he is doing this to help kids too when is around there. This is what he said too, its like an old friend .....she doesnt make him feel anything anymore in that way and never did interestingly.... as just wanted a family to which they are amazing I have to say!

OP posts:

baileys6904 · 27/05/2019 12:53

If you take away the marriagey sex bit. If you spend so much time with a person and know them so well, you they ARE a friend and you do do them favours and help with small jobs etc. Its like cousins. You grow up with them, you know them, you help them out, kinda thing. I suppose you just have to keep remembering that they split for a reason. And it's a big enough reason to stay split. Men are attacked enough on here for not stepping up and being there. Yet then people attack them or find ulterior motives for them when they do. MN seems to come from a place of all men are liars and cheats. And in a lot of cases they are, but it's not a default on the Male population.

baileys6904 · 27/05/2019 12:54

And sorry, that first post especially was horrendous typo wise. On phone lol

Yabbers · 27/05/2019 12:59

she asks him, (its been both Sundays in the last two weeks) to paint her face

He does what, now?

LolaSmiles · 27/05/2019 13:06

I dont think you need to worry about them getting back together, but you need to have your eyes open that their current set up has become the status quo and any new partner who disrupts the status quo may find themselves the centre of conflict or frustration.

It's great they get on and its amicable, but I think there needs to be an up front clarity on expectations moving forward.

Strawberryjam34 · 27/05/2019 13:11

I don’t like the fact that the kids know about you but, you don’t want the ex to know. That’s a bit of a secret for children to carry. I appreciate its not the exes business but, still it’s difficult for the children. Maybe it would have been better to wait a bit longer.

baileys6904 · 27/05/2019 13:11

To be fair Lolasmiles, I do agree but in my case its tended to move on. Organically without any sort of input from me, or the other partner. Dont get me wrong, I've pulled my face when I've got frustrated at some things, but for the main part, I have to admit, the kids are adjusted, happy and secure, joint occasions such as an 18th or xmas are friendly and things are quite laidback. I come from a toxic break up with my parents and know how screwed up and miserable I was watching it all, so I can for sure say this way was healthier for the children. It does take communication, security and trust though

baileys6904 · 27/05/2019 13:14

Oh strawberry jam, I'd completely missed that bit, and completely agree with you!! That's wrong on all kinds of levels and not fair to ex or kids, or even you. That's one heck of a secret and you're putting the kids in a situation between keeping dads secret and being honest to mum. That's not fair whatsoever

Myheartbelongsto · 27/05/2019 13:21

I’ve been separated since 2014 and my ex won’t even have a conversation about it and I’m engaged again

funnylittlefloozie · 27/05/2019 15:05

Myheartbelongsto - if you have been separated 5 years, you can be divorced from your ex without his consent.

I have been separated for four years, never bothered getting divorced, but now i have met someone worth getting divorced for.

overdrive · 27/05/2019 15:15

How shit that his kids know and she doesn't! Why would he do that to his kids?

Bythecooker · 27/05/2019 15:19

There's a lot there for you to think about. I'm not sure how old you are or if you want children but if so you need to be sure he really wants that again. That aside though, I mainly came on to say my ex does a lot of jobs for me. There are no blurred lines, he has a long term gf who I like. I have no idea if she is bothered by his diy help to me but I doubt it. He's just a helpful, nice chap like that. Other annoyances hence why he's an ex but very good diy skills!!! I don't think it necessarily means he's still emotionally attached as we certainly aren't!

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