Seeing a lovely guy who hasn't divorced yet its been 5 years

[Mellodenise]

Hello,

I have just recently started dating a great guy, he has 3 kids and we are just so lovely together, he treats me well, we have only been seeing one another for a few months but we are already going away in the next 2 weeks time which is great and cant wait. I dont have any kids but he sees his kids every other weekend and one day in the week too. However its normally more than that as they are literally round the corner from him.

He lives about 10 mins away from the ex wife, to which he separated from 5 years ago, (not yet divorced) they were married 20 years, she is the mother of his kids. One is 17, 11 and 6. When he sees them every other weekend he usually takes them away and they have a great time, as well as him taking them abroad twice this year too. He is a great dad and treats everyone so well, more so the kids which is a lovely side to him.

The ex still hasn't met anyone.... she asks him, (its been both Sundays in the last two weeks) to paint her face, cut the hedge and the likes and he is always there, sometimes they also go out for dinner with the kids as well as she cooks for him to which he normally says no. She has dated about 4 men since the split but nothing ends up coming from it. They both speak about meeting others and want each other to be happy as well with other people.

When he met someone 3 years ago, he really liked her and this new lady wanted him to get divorced so he started the procedure and it cost him loads, as his exes dad is a control freak he was getting in the way strangely enough which resulted in the divorce not going through. What is interesting is as soon as she found out about the new lady, she lost it and was really jealous as she thought he started to see her whilst they were married and separating at the end.... when it was actually 6 months after they split, he knew her before too as a friend and they dated for 1 year. however she soon moved on with someone else and had a baby with him as he didnt want anymore kids.

For me he says I will sort it this year, as I want to get married again and if that is what you wanted I would marry you...and its what I would want too with you.

I was pretty gutted he is still married but been separated for 5 years which isn't so bad.... but also annoyed she keeps on asking him to do jobs around the house however he sees the kids whilst he is there at home and they help and he just loves going over there to see them which is understandable.

However I feel I am falling for him and him me too and I really like him so not too sure what to think, as he does treat me well, sees me 3/4 times in the week, calls me a lot, texts and he is just adorable too.

I guess I have never met anyone with 3 kids before or separated with the ex around the corner?

Any thoughts? do I just wait until we have a talk again. I am just going through a break with ex and waiting on house to sell to which I am going to buy in a few months hopefully. This is my aim and he said he is more than happy to do it up with me and one day we can buy together or see what our next plans are after I have bought.

My annoyance is more the ex hasn't met anyone yet.....He said he has no feelings for her and no passion just wanted to settle down and have kids and he did that with her for 20 years to and she is a great mum. He never talks about her, she doesnt know about me yet but his kids do and his parents and friends all know about me too.

So hoping soon it will be out in the open and he will get divorced. Anyone been through something similar before?

Thanks for reading.

Hi overdrive, I am not too sure if she knows yet, I believe he told her he met someone he really liked and his kids knows last weekend, so it could be she is understanding he likes someone new as in myself....its just hard for me to get my head around with 3 kids as I dont have any and still married technically but separated 5 years, apparently she is really nice but their kids come first, which is understandable for sure.....

OH still not divorced after being separated over 15 years. We've been together 10, and have kids together and the ex has since had more kids too. They don't speak to each other anymore and have only when needed to, so I'm pretty sure there is no emotional connection. It's only when reading threads like this that I remember. We really must get it sorted out!

It would only cost about £500 now due to the time since separated, but I think they both have better things to spend their money on. I have thought about coughing up the cash myself, but have decided against it as it's not for me to sort out! We don't have any assets like a house that could be split in the event of the divorce (I think as it has been 15 years+ already that ship has legally sailed anyway), but it is something that needs sorting. When you have kids, there are always things that come up where the money could be better spent. Luckily I've never wanted a big white wedding (I see spending 20k+ on one as utter madness!) and I would just be getting married for the legal benefits, so I'm not too bothered about it, but I would like it sorted eventually. Maybe when civil partnerships come in for hetero couples we might pursue a divorce.

There is no reason why his ex can't do simple DIY. I think she's just getting the ex in because she can use it with a bargaining tool with the kids and save cash. I guess if she gets someone in, it's money taken away from the kids and on paper they may both still own the house, so just makes more sense that if he's able to fix it that he does it. He needs to maybe be more unavailable if it is causing a problem and take the kids out rather than see them there.

It is worth bearing in mind that he will always have a relationship with this lady due to the kids whether he is divorced or not. Will you be ok with that? Agree you should keep your distance a bit in these early stages too. Dictating about getting divorced and the time spent at the exes might get the exes back up and cause issues. He will always side with his kids. As he doesn't want children and you don't have any, is that going to be an issue too?

Kids do grow up eventually, so he will be less involved in time, but as the youngest is 6, you will probably have at least 10 years of regular contact.

Me and my ex have been separated for 4 years and still not divorced. Hoping get it sorted this year!

There are no lingering feelings and we both are in long term relationships. We just never got round to it and the cost is a major factor to be honest.

It took me years to get round to divorcing my first husband. I just couldnt be bothered. But my partner at the time was hurt that I didn't see it as a higher priority. I did it on line in the end with the five year separation rule.

Said partner after 14 years is now ex. And kids father. I wouldn't want him past my door step. Let alone doing jobs around the house. I realise that is my issue and not very healthy. But I want nothing to do with the lying cheating low life who sees supporting the children as optional. I hope in time I can be more grown up but right now it isn't going to happen.

My aunt and uncle were separated for a good 15 years before they actually got divorced. They were amicable and she has been in a LTR since they split. The only reason they ended up getting a divorce was so he could re-marry. I don't think they're is always a sinister reasons behind it and maybe they just haven't got around to it. He might just he apprehensive because of how her dad handled the situation before

I didn't divorce my ex husband until last year, we'd been separated 13 years. Both now in long term relationships, he also has another child. We just never got around to it. We get on well, he's one of my best friends. We help each other out, I even babysit his four year old. Neither my or his partner have any issues with our close relationship. I've known him since I was 17, so 23 years. He's like a brother.

I’ve been separated 15 years but still not divorced. We both went on to have other children and 10 year relationships with other people

I keep thinking about getting it sorted but it’s just another thing I’ll end up paying for

I think it's good sigh he's on friendly terms with the ex especially foe the kids, they are acting as good role models. Friends of mine have recently split, and they are trying to achieve this, maintain a friendship for the kids sake. It makes everything easier for everyone.

I do think he needs to tell her though and you need to reign in your jealousy. Hes told you there is nothing there and trying to ensure they have more distance will likely not end well for you.

I had been separated eight years before I got divorced. It wasn't really intentional, in fact I filed and got the decree nisi about 18 months after we split, but my solicitor didn't want me to make it absolute until we had sorted the former marital home (I was still living in it) and XH wouldn't come to mediation, never returned any paperwork, etc, and I just couldn't be bothered doing all the running and had better things to spend my limited funds on!
Finally sold the house last year and like a PP divorced online on the grounds of five years separation, it was very straightforward.