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Original poster

I'd offer you a cup of tea but there's no milk

30 replies

TheLastNigel · 27/05/2019 09:45

I've been up since 2 am, insomnia and arthritis keeping me awake. I'm really knackered.
DP comes down at about 9 and says 'I'd offer you a cup of tea but there's no milk'

There is a Shop, open, a 4 minute drive away. Would it be unreasonable for me to think he would take it upon himself to go and get some milk?

He's now gone back to bed.

I'm feeling sorry for myself I think and prepared to be told so-but it's really pissed me off. I will go and get the sodding milk....

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 27/05/2019 09:49

Is there any reason he can't go and get milk?
If not, it would be a kind gesture if he got up and went out to get some.

endofthelinefinally · 27/05/2019 09:50

Why has he gone back to bed?

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 27/05/2019 09:52

Buy some milk for your tea. Then hide the carton at the back of the fridge. Do not share it op..

Doubtoftheordinary · 27/05/2019 09:56

Could you not just have said, "Oh do you mind going to get some from the shop please? I've had a really bad night and I'd love a cup of tea" That's what would happen in most houses, I imagine my house.

Original poster
TheLastNigel · 27/05/2019 09:57

No reason he can't go and get milk. I don't know why he's gone back to bed-we have nowhere to be today really so fair enough I suppose.
I realise that He's like this with a lot of stuff though-housework, planning stuff etc-all down to me unless I ask a few times for help-I think this may be one of those 'straw that breaks the camels back' situations for me however....
I can't decide if it's wilful lack of kindness or if he has a sort of disconnect about certain things-it just doesn't occur to him kind of thing? And I guess I've just got to decide if I can live with someone like that...

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLastNigel · 27/05/2019 09:59

He'd gone back upstairs before I could ask him to go to the shop...

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 27/05/2019 10:03

He isn't very thoughtful Sad.
Maybe a conversation could be had? Or have you already tried?

NoBaggyPants · 27/05/2019 10:05

Sorry OP, if you want milk then nip to the shop yourself. Yes it would be nice for him to go but you're not incapable.

I'm not unsympathetic, I've been up all night for similar reasons. Just don't expect others to run around after me.

XXVaginaAndAUterus · 27/05/2019 10:05

That was selfish of him. Flowers

Thequaffle · 27/05/2019 10:06

That’s not at all thoughtful. I know some might say he wanted to make you tea and that’s the thought that counts, but actually, in this situation, it’s the getting off your lazy arse and going to get the milk in (which we will both use I presume) that counts.

Hugs op, hope you feel better soon

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/05/2019 10:07

"And I guess I've just got to decide if I can live with someone like that..."

How long have you and he been together?.

How about deciding that no you cannot live with someone like this. I would also consider raising your relationship bar a lot higher going forward.

He is supremely selfish and is thinking only of his own self here. He also sees to see you as some sort of maid/housekeeper because you are carrying the vast majority of the mental load here. He did not go out because he did not want to.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 27/05/2019 10:12

That's quite selfish and thoughtless.
I only drink red milk with my coffee, the only milk left was blue. I was just about to make myself a coffee with the blue when DP said 'you don't like blue, I'll go shop to get you red'
I told him blue wouldn't kill me and I will pop shop later, but the thought was there.

Had I been up all night due to anything he wouldn't have even questioned it, he would have just gone!

Yes, I could go myself but if I had arthritis I can guarantee he would tell me to curl up on sofa and watch crap on tv to relax. He would not go back to bed.

While you are suffering from insomnia and arthritic pain, what is your DP doing to help you, to make your day to day life a little nicer and easier? I know it is only a cuppa, but those little things are important in a relationship!

FuriousVexation · 27/05/2019 10:20

He doesn't sound very kind.

I could kind of give him a pass if he sleeps heavily to the point where he didn't realise you'd been up all night and just assumed you'd only been awake about a half hour. But even then, I'd have assumed there would be a "shall I go or you, or shall we go together?"

If he's aware that you've been up since 2am with elevated pain levels then his behaviour really isn't acceptable.

Why did he come downstairs anyway? Would he normally take a cuppa back to bed? Did you have an argument last night - it kind of sounds a bit of a frosty atmosphere?

I'm sorry you're in pain and tired and not feeling taken care of. Flowers

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 27/05/2019 10:21

There's a reason married men and single women are happier than single men and married women - and here we have the reason why!

dudsville · 27/05/2019 10:21

Don't make this your battle ground. One of you needs to go for milk (and seriously, look around for anything else you might need).

Your battle grounds should be few and on a more important topic.

EleanorReally · 27/05/2019 10:23

Can you not go to the shop?

Sakura7 · 27/05/2019 10:39

Bloody hell there are some overeactions here. He was probably just being a bit dozy, if you'd said "could you get some milk?" he probably would have. If you feel like a lot of things are left to you generally, have you actually talked to him about it?

Re: the wider housework, etc, in my experience a lot of men are just used to these things being done as their mother, and then partner, just take it on and they don't realise the effort behind it. Not excusing it, but sometimes it is the case that it doesn't occur to them rather than them being arseholes. The only way to resolve it is to actually talk with your DP about it.

The posts claiming he's the devil incarnate based on very limited information are totally OTT.

Original poster
TheLastNigel · 27/05/2019 10:40

He was aware I've been up a while yes.
He came down to let the dog out when she woke up-she was asleep on the end of the bed last night.
No argument last night.
I have been to the shop. Got the milk and of course some other bits whilst there. That's not really the issue-think it's more just the lack of either care or awareness around the need to be thoughtful as I am about him that's starting to bother me.

I've pointed out in the past that he needs to help a bit more around the house. He works longer hours than I do, and we live with my two DD's-I accept that I'm going to do more of the cooking/shopping/cleaning just on a practical level. But I'm not sure I should have to do all of it and ask him more than once to pick up a bit of the work?
When we've discussed it before his initial reaction is to be very defensive and then he improved for a few days before returning to the status quo.

I think it's really bothered me today because I feel a bit low anyway-medication needs altering I think for the arthritis.

I'm not especially princessy I don't think. Just would like to be treated as I treat him I suppose...

OP posts:
elpapadelapepa · 27/05/2019 11:54

Yes, OP, listen to your instincts, you know what's right.

I agree with you and I would expect people around me to show at least that degree of thoughtfulness and care, and I would show it to them in return.

Don't listen to all these people with low or zero expectations of the people around them, who are apparently happy to be treated like crap and presumably treat other people close to them like crap too. These are the cheeky fuckers of the world, the kind who take, take, take and think anyone who shows any decency or kindness is at best a deluded sucker and at worst a resource for them to bleed dry. They're always keen to justify themselves too! No doubt they'll be along in a second with all the usual worn-out excuses for shitty behaviour.

Basically, if you are not a CF yourself, you need to get away from CFs. Leave them to their cold, thoughtless bubbles of selfishness. And yes it is sometimes a seemingly trivial thing that shows their true colours, but once you see it, it changes they way you look at them, everything else falls into place,

I mean Jesus Christ, if someone's had a bad night and is in pain - popping to the shop for some milk and anything else they need is the bare minimum really!

Anyway I'm glad you got a cup of tea and I hope you have a better day today, but I think AttilaTheMeerkat is right.

PicsInRed · 27/05/2019 12:13

You're upset because you've realised that you will care for him when he's suck, but he won't do the same for you.

Did you know that women are LESS likely than usual to initiate divorce when their husband receives a cancer diagnosis, but men are MORE likely to? The conclusion taken was that women delayed divorcing to care for their husband, whilst men who would not otherwise have divorced skipped out like their arse was on fire.

You now know he's one of those men who you would expend huge energy caring for, if he is infirm in old age, but he is highly unlikely to return the favour.

Is this what your want for the rest of your life?

PicsInRed · 27/05/2019 12:14

*sick

Original poster
TheLastNigel · 27/05/2019 12:14

Thankyou all... lots to think about.

I was previously married to someone with a huge ego who was extremely selfish and manipulative. Not sure I have totally got the right idea about how I should be treated in a relationship really... can't tell if my expectations are too low or too high tbh... so this has been good food for thought.

OP posts:
Slugslasher · 27/05/2019 12:19

Caring and sharing. That’s it really. When it becomes ‘one sided’ then a discussions needs to be had.

Lordamighty · 27/05/2019 12:22

I’m not saying this to make you feel bad but in the same situation my DH would have immediately offered to go & get milk & anything else that was needed. It is common courtesy.

Fucklt · 27/05/2019 12:23

Did you say to him: ‘I’ve been up since 2am with insomnia and arthritis pain and could really do with a brew but don’t feel up to going to the shop myself’?

Or anything along those lines?

If not, you’re cross with him for not being a mind reader.

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