Single Life loneliness

[Danpitt]

This probably isn't the right place for a man to look for advice but i thought where else can i get an honest opinion.
I've been single six years and find it really hard to meet women.
Online dating has destroyed my confidence, I have gone nine months without a match on Tinder, get abuse when i send messages on Pof, I payed £120 for a year on match and got no replies or messages sent to me.
Should I give up now as I believe there must be something wrong with the way I look when everyone else I know gets multiple matches, dates and even sex without a problem.
I'm in my late 30's and 95% of my friends are married with kids and the other 5% are mentioned above.
I just feel so lonely and isolated, i even tried speed dating and never matched with nobody.
Is there anyway of getting a foot in the door without being judged on a photo?

I’ve never tried online dating so can’t help on that front. I’d recommend trying to meet someone through hobbies and interests. I’ve met guys through my hobbies who, if truth be told, I wouldn’t have wanted to meet up with based on a picture online. It was through working on shared projects, seeing how they behaved, finding out that they were kind, trustworthy, funny etc that I realised I was attracted to them based on getting to know their personality in a safe environment. I know it’s hard looking around you and seeing everyone is coupled up and wondering why you’re left alone. Think of something you’d enjoy doing where there might be some single people that you could get to know better.

Being on the other side when I have done OLD I would say it's sometimes shocking how bad some men's profiles are. Terrible ill judged photographs, peculiar profile text. It's like a lot of guys believe they don't need to make an effort - a sort of "take me as I am" stance - completely oblivious to the effort nearly all women will put into presenting themselves well. If you're not getting anything on OLD it's because you aren't prepared to put the effort into your profile. I bet your photos are some old tat you've just bunged up. Basically - try harder. Sorry - tough love - you need it.

Get a friend to help. There is probably some a lot of tweaking you can do on your profile.
I am agog at the profiles I read sometimes. Desperate/ annoyed/bad photos I could go on.

You need an outsider overhaul

No one is undateable. No one!

I saw one recently which said
I don’t want to date a psycho who isn’t over her fucking ex.

I mean

Some people just aren't photogenic. Some people don't express themselves very well in writing. You're better off doing it the old fashioned way, going out to pubs and clubs. But you do need to pay attention to personal grooming, OP. Watch your weight, wash your hair every day, wear nice smart casual clothes.

Have you asked a female friend for constructive feedback on your profile?

You get abuse when you send messages to people? How awful. People can be so cruel. I agree with what others have said, get yourself out there in the real world. New hobbies, clubs and classes. Nights out with mates and offer a drink and a dance to someone who catches your eye? If you don’t have confidence the fake it until you make it!

@Danpitt i genuinely feel it's hugely about confidence when meeting women. Firstly, for OLD, it can be quite soul destroying but I'd highly recommend the dating thread on the Relationships board. They are lovely people, men and women, all going through exactly what you are saying. I'm sure you'll get great advice there.

Referring back to confidence, I'm currently in the FWB situation with someone who I'd probably never class as attractive had I met him in a normal fashion. I might have even run away! I do get male attention a fair amount but just was wary as had come out of an abusive relationship. However we became friends online, he was so easy to talk to and fun, and we ended up casually seeing each other. You end up seeing past the looks and just enjoying the person themselves. And we have great fun together.

You've attributed your failures to your looks. I suggest this is a large part of the problem. Half of people have below-average looks...

Whatever the problem is, it won't be looks. Women are much better than men at seeing past looks, if a man has other things going for him.

Are you clean, and neat and tidy? Do you have a job? What have you said about your interests and how you spend your free time? Have you said anything about your ex partners? (Don't.) Have you described yourself as 'lonely", or said that you live with your mum, or had a whinge about women rejecting you/being shallow etc? (Obviously don't.) Are you being realistic in which women you are messaging?

Get a female friend/sister to check your profile. If you are genuinely getting no interest and hostile responses, then there is something off-putting in there, and (since you are male) it won't just be looks.

Yes, they told me there's nothing wrong with what's written or the photos.

Then they don't want to offend you. Because if there is nothing wrong with either then you'd get replies as that's all women have to go on!

But also, pick your sites carefully. The free ones seem to be about getting your leg over - in which case people are going to be more shallow in their choices.
A friend of mine has been using match recently and is coming to the same conclusion (several weeks of chatting and getting on well just stop after they realise she isn't putting out too soon!)

If you want to pm your profile to me. I can have a look from a strangers perspective.

Also are you contacting enough people. Everyone says it’s a numbers game. Which is true and you’ve just got to ignore the nasty people. They don’t know you, therefore their opinions are worth shit.

I also agree you should probably try and meet someone who shares the things you love. What are your hobbies?

I'm clean, I shower twice a day, I look after myself, I work full time and have my own place. Female friends have looked at my profile and said there's nothing wrong with it and just put what's going on with me down to shallow behaviour.
Even they're surprised how long I've been on my own.

I might think that you may be approaching the wrong kind of people? If they’re shallow.
Have you worked out what you really want from someone? Or are you going on looks alone ?

Forget the photo for a minute and tell us what your profile actually says please? There are lots of subtle things that men don't realise are off putting for women.

I am in a similar position (although much older than the OP - so dont try to match us) but woman.

I am convinced that Match lies when they say that someone has liked your profile - if they like you -why does every message get declined. Its too much of a coincidence.

POF - I see some terrible photo's on mens profiles - the most ofputting to me are those profiles which say nothing, or say just ask me. But saying that - I have loads of photos where I think I look my best - have a profile which says what I am looking for and still no interest.

Perhaps there should be a dating site for unattractive people :)

To the OP - join Meet Up and a few groups - you might meet someone as a friend first.

I think you should take up Justbreathing's kind offer, in case your friends are not being honest (or possibly not that bright if they think 30 something women on a dating sight are quick to write off decent, single, available men for "shallow" reasons).

You mentioned that speed dating didn't go well for you either. Did you feel you had had good chats? Did you like any of the women?

This is what the bio reads

I enjoy most things in life: cooking good food, running, cycling, keeping fit, nights out as well as nights in and spending time with my daughter is important to me.
I enjoy watching movies and TV Box Sets. Animal welfare is also important to me as is learning new things! I have an ambitious drive and want to achieve as much as I can in life.
Life is one big adventure and it would be great to start sharing it with someone.

I'm not going on looks alone and often look for similar interests.
Although, it's got to the point when I'm messaging everyone in the hope of a reply (I know that sounds desperate) just so I can get a foot in the door.

There’s nothing wrong with that as a profile but I’ll be honest, it’s the same as 90% of other profiles, so if the photos are blah, I’d pass on that. There’s just nothing that stands out to make you individual from every other guy on dating sites who like adventure, cycling, going out and staying in. And no spark of humour or anything unusual.

And don’t forget many women have just split up from men who liked box sets and going to the gym, because most men do. It just made me feel like, oh yeah, here’s another one, same as the last one.

I never online date it's awful , like a meat market and when I see the profiles on there it makes me absolutely cringe.
Blokes who are obviously naked, no top on, no imaginatinative profile, why would I want to date man who just says likes pubs and walks. So boring.
I've always met partners at either clubs I've gone to or through friends barbeques etc.
Might be worth getting out and about, rambling, hobby clubs, religious groups or whatever just to get the hang of being interesting around other people, do something outside of your comfort zone.
I tried naturism once and made loads of lovely, normal friends there.
Although I now prefer to live alone.

I agree that it sounds fine but a bit blah. What gets you excited? If you could visit anywhere on Earth, where would it be and why? What crazy thing do you want to learn/accomplish? Allow the reader to get more a sense of who you are, rather than just what you like to do.

When you message women, what is your opening salvo?