'friend' claims DH sent her suggestive texts - wwyd

[chloechloeharris]

long story so i'll try and keep it as precise as possible.

i have a friend who i've known for around 5 years through work. we had at one point a fairly tight knit friendship group of a few of us who worked together, which unfortunately fell apart due to her falling out with everyone in the group (bar me) over the years. it was all about silly little things (in my opinion) that got massively blown out of proportion, but resulted in me being the only one still in contact with her as i never saw a reason to not be.

everyone would always make jokes about her "fancying" me, due to the fact that she'd always causally make remarks about being "in love" with me and often subtly (and i thought subconsciously) copying me in terms of what i wore and that kind of thing. i thought nothing of it, she knew i was happily married and got on brilliantly with my DH.

anyway, last night i was at a party and whilst i was there i got talking to someone i knew who'd formerly been friends with her as well but, not surprisingly, also ended up falling out. she made an offhand remark about "not expecting you and her to still be close after the whole DH thing" and obviously i demanded to know what she'd meant. they looked taken aback and just kind of went "it's probably just another of her lies, it was ages ago" but eventually told them that this 'friend' had gone around telling people my DH had sent her 'innappropriate texts'.

i immediately texted my friend and brought this up, to which her response was "i can't remember exactly what but we were just chatting like normal and he kept making sexual innuendos" so obviously i called DH and told him to explain himself. he swore it was all lies and came to pick me up (i really didn't feel like staying longer) and let me check his phone. they barely spoke over text anyway and there were no texts of the nature she'd sent, and when i texted her this she claimed he must have deleted them and that it was years ago anyway so 'didn't matter'.

at this point i was obviously quite upset, so DH (who has never been unfaithful or given me a reason to believe that he has been) said he'd text her himself, his texts wouldn't deliver so he went to try on whatsapp and then fb message her but she'd blocked him on both - there is no reason for her to have done this as they'd never fallen out.

my other friends think she's lying as she has a habit of lying about a lot of things (she's falsely accused people of sexually assaulting her before for example) and i believe my DH but i still can't get what she's said out my head and i want to message her saying so but i'm not sure what to say.
any help or advice would be so gratefully received!

She sounds toxic. Well now you know why everyone fell out with her. Best to stay away. People know what shes about.

If you trust your DH then trust him. Step away from the madness and stop contacting this woman. Everyone else (that you count as friends so they can’t be that bad!) has fallen out with her for a reason.

That way lies madness. She is clearly deranged. Time for you to join the rest of the people she has fallen out with, sounds like a large club.

So you know she's falsely accused people of sexually abusing her in the past, but you 'saw no reason' to end your friendship...

I'm normally a bit "no smoke without fire", but this woman seems to be very mentally and socially unstable.

If your DH has never before given you cause to distrust him, I'd just drop her like a hot coal and give her allegations no further thought.

She's lying, ditch her ASAP

Ooft i don't believe her at all. The fact she's blocked him indicates it's lies and she's trying to avoid him confronting her..what a vicious bitch. I'd be struggling to not message her but you should rose above it and don't give her the reaction she seems to enjoy from people. Who knows where she'd post it, on her social media for instance and what she'd say.

I must be very old. Why did your husband have your friends phone number?

I'm also with your friends and husband. She sounds like a liar who seeks attention and stirs up trouble.

Focus on the people you know and trust.

heyd sorry i should have explained that better but didn't want to derail from the post - basically, she told me her ex had assaulted her, which my instinct obviously was to believe. she didn't admit it was a lie until a few months later when drunk to a mutual acquaintance of ours, who then told me, i asked her about it and she broke down in tears saying it was at a point in her life when she wasn't thinking straight and was very depressed and regrets it all etc - that obviously DOES NOT excuse it at all but she seemed genuinely remorseful. i feel stupid for believing her and i'd never condone someone lying about it and i made it very clear how unacceptable it was, which she agreed with...stupid me

NotSuch they were friends too through me (although obviously me and her were closer and they never really spent time together when i wasn't there). we often all used to spend time together at one of our houses or the pub etc

I think you'd know if you can trust you DH or not. And it seems she has issues around lying, and attention seeking for whatever reason..

But try to have higher standards when it comes to friends. You say she's falsely accused people, so more than one, of sexual assault.. But you continued a friendship with her?

She's a vicious, lying, attention-seeking famtasist.

Please trust your poor DH .

So this is a friend that consistently causes drama in other people’s lives, but she’s only a problem now she’s tried to cause drama in yours

She sounds like she should be texting a psychiatrist

Unless she has proof then I would keep trusting your DH and distance yourself from this crazy cow

I’d trust my husband over a “friend” who had a history of lying and causing trouble. Just cut her out of your life and forget about it

Liars lie and she's a compulsive liar. I wouldn't believe a word of it. If it were true, she would have told you at the time, instead she "confided" in all her friends so that it would make him look like a creep and you look like an idiot married to a creep.

That's what toxic liars like her do, lie to destroy the reputations of others and try to dismiss the sincerity of their relationships.

She's gone about it in the most shitty way, but she's done you a favour. Nobody needs that kind of person in their life and now you can cut her off with a clear conscience.

i should have cut her off after she admitted she'd lied and that was a stupid mistake of me not to. she is a past victim of SA, as am i, and i know how it fucks with your head afterwards - she gave me a whole "since [SA] i've found it hard to distinguish between what's normal and what isn't" etc

JuniFora yes that's what i was thinking - that she'd have told me at the time if it was true. i don't have any reason not to believe DH at all but i've been cheated on in the past and i have huge issues with trust, meaning it's kind of hitting harder than it should.

You can't be sure of anything she's told you.
She may not even be a SA victim.
She may have mirrored you to reel you into a codependent (though platonic) relationship with her.

OP, are you a bit of a "fixer"? A bit of a broken-puppy rescuer?

I also think that she's lying.

the way your DH responded seems 100% to back up his side of the story. Stick with him. He cares enough to pick you up and be concerned; he hasn't got defensive; and he's willing to give you free access to his phone. That's as much as you can expect from anyone.

I strongly suspect that the person at the party wanted you to know, so that you'd ditch the lying friend. She seems to not just fall out with people, but actively make enemies. Don't trust her.

@PicsInRed as much as i've been trying to work on not being...yes i am 😅

some of my friends who have fallen out with her have expressed similar doubts that she's not really a SA victim but i'd never want to accuse someone of making it up, especially as all the stuff she's described (which all happened before i knew her) is very violent and traumatic.

Wow, she's bonkers or a bitch, either way really dangerous to know. How many lives is she wrecking with her lies?

I think you should end this friendship OP - the sooner the better.