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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

'friend' claims DH sent her suggestive texts - wwyd

67 replies

chloechloeharris · 26/05/2019 19:28

long story so i'll try and keep it as precise as possible.

i have a friend who i've known for around 5 years through work. we had at one point a fairly tight knit friendship group of a few of us who worked together, which unfortunately fell apart due to her falling out with everyone in the group (bar me) over the years. it was all about silly little things (in my opinion) that got massively blown out of proportion, but resulted in me being the only one still in contact with her as i never saw a reason to not be.

everyone would always make jokes about her "fancying" me, due to the fact that she'd always causally make remarks about being "in love" with me and often subtly (and i thought subconsciously) copying me in terms of what i wore and that kind of thing. i thought nothing of it, she knew i was happily married and got on brilliantly with my DH.

anyway, last night i was at a party and whilst i was there i got talking to someone i knew who'd formerly been friends with her as well but, not surprisingly, also ended up falling out. she made an offhand remark about "not expecting you and her to still be close after the whole DH thing" and obviously i demanded to know what she'd meant. they looked taken aback and just kind of went "it's probably just another of her lies, it was ages ago" but eventually told them that this 'friend' had gone around telling people my DH had sent her 'innappropriate texts'.

i immediately texted my friend and brought this up, to which her response was "i can't remember exactly what but we were just chatting like normal and he kept making sexual innuendos" so obviously i called DH and told him to explain himself. he swore it was all lies and came to pick me up (i really didn't feel like staying longer) and let me check his phone. they barely spoke over text anyway and there were no texts of the nature she'd sent, and when i texted her this she claimed he must have deleted them and that it was years ago anyway so 'didn't matter'.

at this point i was obviously quite upset, so DH (who has never been unfaithful or given me a reason to believe that he has been) said he'd text her himself, his texts wouldn't deliver so he went to try on whatsapp and then fb message her but she'd blocked him on both - there is no reason for her to have done this as they'd never fallen out.

my other friends think she's lying as she has a habit of lying about a lot of things (she's falsely accused people of sexually assaulting her before for example) and i believe my DH but i still can't get what she's said out my head and i want to message her saying so but i'm not sure what to say.
any help or advice would be so gratefully received!

OP posts:
lyralalala · 26/05/2019 20:20

It sounds to me that she was hoping her words would get back to you via friends and cause trouble for you and your DH.

She sounds absolutely toxic and in your shoes I'd have nothing to do with her again.

PeoniesarePink · 26/05/2019 20:27

I'd message her asking for proof. If the messages were that important to her, she'd have kept them.

If she can't then I'd tell her to fuck the fuck off and never talk to her again.

Sarcelle · 26/05/2019 20:33

She is a complete fantasist. Ditch her fast. Believe your DH.

BumbleBeee69 · 26/05/2019 20:37

I'd message her asking for proof. If the messages were that important to her, she'd have kept them.

If she can't then I'd tell her to fuck the fuck off and never talk to her again.

This Flowers

ChristmasFluff · 26/05/2019 20:40

Proven lying liar acquaintance V up-to-now trustworthy partner.

Christ on a bike, I'm suspicious, but even I know the equation is massively skewed one way - for good reason.

Angelinthenightx · 26/05/2019 20:40

Trust your husband & leave her to her lies x

CheeseInACake · 26/05/2019 20:47

Step away from this lose cannon, in fact run away!! She is trouble, and you are a fool if you believe her given her track record.

NicoAndTheNiners · 26/05/2019 20:49

I agree that I think she'd still have the texts. I would keep such texts. In fact I never delete any texts. I have 2yo texts about random rubbish.

I think the lack of her her being able to produce them combined with her history for lying and dh never given you reason to doubt him would make me believe him and ditch her.

cosytoaster · 26/05/2019 20:59

99 times out of 100 I don't believe the DH on this type of thread, yours is the 1/100 when I do. Ditch your "friend".

chloechloeharris · 26/05/2019 21:11

okay, i've messaged her asking if she has proof and as yet no reply. you've all really helped to settle my mind, i did trust DH but once you've been cheated on i feel like there's always that niggling doubt...i'm resisting the urge to go ballistic on her.

OP posts:
supersop60 · 26/05/2019 21:12

Another one here to say trust your DH.
Your friend is a liar and God knows what else.
You heard that she 'fancied you'? Perhaps she was trying to get you and your DH to split up so she could have you to herself.
Get rid of her.

ilikemethewayiam · 26/05/2019 21:14

Given that she fell out with everyone else then I would definitely suspect she Is a very unstable character! You seem like a kind empathetic person who has given her the benefit of the doubt in the past only to have it come back to bite you! Don’t let her do any further damage to Your relationship. Just tell her you can’t continue to be friends with her under the circumstances. Let her move on to someone else.

chloechloeharris · 26/05/2019 21:28

thank you all ❤️ she's replied and said she'll try and find the messages but she can't exactly recall when it was so "i might not be able to find them"

OP posts:
Doesitevenmatternow · 26/05/2019 22:11

Ok so let's say she is telling the truth (she's not but bear with me...):

She gets suggestive texts from friend's husband. She's a good friend so she ponders what is the right thing to do. What a dilemma. Tell the friend and let friend make up her own mind about dirtbag husband while risking shoot the messenger fallout? Or decide the husband was acting in an out of character way and it's not worth hurting friend over?

A not unusual dilemma. But what does this woman do? Not tell her friend but humiliate her by telling everybody else?

She then deletes the messages and when asked decides it's not a big deal. Why would it be for HER to decide if its a big deal if YOUR husband betrayed you.

Op whatever way you look at it (even take her obvious lies as truth) she is not a friend in any way whatsoever. Delete this toxic person from your life.

Your husband sounds entirely innocent to me.

BumbleBeee69 · 26/05/2019 22:11

there are no messages OP.. enjoy your evening and block her Flowers

chloechloeharris · 26/05/2019 22:50

Doesitevenmatternow yes! exactly what i was thinking!

update: she now can't find the messages, and will look on messenger or whatsapp in case she might have misremembered and they were sent there instead of over text Hmm

OP posts:
Beanzy78 · 26/05/2019 22:59

Omg your friend doesn't live in St.Neots does she?! I used to know someone like her, caused a whole lot of trouble and she admitted that she would get carried away with the truth.

Grumpelstilskin · 27/05/2019 02:10

I think you owe it to your DH and yourself to cut this toxic nutjob our of your life.

Itsnotahickey · 27/05/2019 02:34

If she does "find" messages, don't take them at face value, especially if they are screenshots. Very easy to fake if the motivation is there.

LellyMcKelly · 27/05/2019 05:51

Sounds like she has a lot of the symptoms of histrionic personality disorder (not saying she has it but she’s getting exactly the kind of reaction and drama she wants) Either way, unless your husband has given you any reason to distrust him, I’d believe him over her. It sounds like he’s on the level. Stay clear of her in future.

NotStayingIn · 27/05/2019 06:16

I had a ‘friend’ like this who also lied again and again, especially about male attention.

My boyfriend at the time had apparently hit on her, another friends boyfriend had. She has been sexually assaulted in the past and had had a previous ex who was now stalking her. (All lies in the end)

The noticeable thing with all the lies was that they almost all centred around men wanting her and pursuing her. Every man was obsessed with her, wanting her above their own partners and even going to extreme levels to have her.

Your friend sounds like a very self obsessed fantasist too. Flowers

Pizzaaddict · 27/05/2019 06:46

There are websites where you can create fake messenger chat logs. Bet you she suddenly “finds” them!

Pizzaaddict · 27/05/2019 06:50

A quick google found this: www.fakechatapp.com/ you can put whatever you want for messages, dates, times, names and pictures 😯

iMatter · 27/05/2019 06:54

Drop her.

She's a liar, she's trouble and will cause you more distress.

Your life will be better without her.

yorkshirecountrylass · 27/05/2019 07:01

"Dear Friend, I'll save you the trouble of looking for these non-existent messages. I have spoken at length with DH, which I'm sure you knew I would when you decided to accuse him of this. I have no reason to disbelieve what he has told me. We are both hurt that you have behaved like this and can now understand the reasons behind your reduced contact with others in the friendship group. DH has attempted to contact you directly to ask what this is all about, however, it seems he has been blocked. If his "messages" caused you enough distress to require you blocking him it seems strange that you have chosen to air this with the rest of the world rather than me. The only other presumption I can make is that you have realised that he would be devastated at your lies and would attempt to speak to you about them. I wish you the best of luck for the future, but will be joining DH in blocking your contact. Yours is a toxicity of a special kind and we do not have time nor space for that in our lives."

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